Irish would-be Recruit. "Beg parson, Captain, but the man in there won't let me go to fight because of me eye."
Captain. "Have you ever been in the Army?"
Would-be Recruit. "I have, sorr."
Captain. "What regiment?"
Would-be Recruit. "Me brother was in the Leisters."
(A few suggested official communiqués, respectfully offered to the authorities in Paris.)
Monday.
Enemy, towards Lassigny, made attack,
But after suffering heavy loss withdrew.
We have made progress near to Berry-au-Bac,
And on our right wing there is nothing new.
Tuesday.
Near the Argonne we had a slight reverse
(Though what the Germans said is quite untrue).
Along the Meuse things seem a little worse,
But on our right wing there is nothing new.
Wednesday.
We gather that sensational reports
Announced the fall of Antwerp ere 'twas due;
There's still resistance in some Antwerp forts,
And on our right wing there is nothing new.
Thursday.
Our left is making progress, and it looks
(For the straight line is getting very skew)
As if our forces might surround von Kluck's.
Meantime, on right wing there is nothing new.
Friday.
Fighting in centre; German loss immense;
Our casualties, it seems, were very few.
All up the left wing Germans very dense;
May they remain so! Right wing, nothing new.
Saturday.
In some few places we have given ground;
In several others we have broken through.
Our left is still by way of working round,
And on our right wing there is nothing new.
Sunday.
On our left wing the state of things remains
Unaltered, on a general review.
Our losses in the centre match our gains,
And on our right wing there is nothing new.
L'Envoi.
So it goes on. But there may come a day
When Wilhelm's cheek assumes a different hue,
And bulletins are rounded off this way:—
"And on the right wing there is something now."
The prisoner, who was said to be an Indian barrister's window, was placed on the floor of the Court."—Edinburgh Evening Dispatch.
The prisoner would have looked better in the roof as a skylight.
