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Study of a lady who, during a Zeppelin scare, has fled to the cellar and thinks that, after all, it was a cowardly thing to do.
THE TOURIST.
To winter abroad I've suppressed,
Well knowing my limited savings
Would last but a fortnight at best;
In vain have the posters adjured me
To sojourn in Monte or Rome,
In vain has Herr Baedeker lured me...
I have wintered at home.
Suggest—and I jump at the chance—
I should widen my mental horizon
By touring through Belgium and France;
They hint at abundance of shooting
With guns that are Government made,
Till the minor excitements of Tooting
Are cast in the shade.
By leaders of courage and skill;
Free bedding and board are provided;
Expenses are little, or nil;
A welcome delightfully hearty,
And sport that at least is unique,
Await every man of the party...
We leave in a week.
Expect me in London by May
(Unless a stray bullet or splinter
Should lead to a trifling delay);
From rumours—of which there are plenty—
I gather the fun will begin
At Calais, whence, Deo volente,
We tramp to Berlin.
NEW METHODS OF FRIGHTFULNESS
["The Siberians have refused to have their beards cut, saying that the shagginess frightens the Germans." No doubt the adaptable enemy will not be behindhand in this method of warfare.]
The Frighten-em-to-Death's-Head Hussars, in their brilliant charge yesterday, were greatly aided by the fact that, before going into action, they had burnt-corked their faces. The effect upon the moral of the enemy was disastrous, the terrified troops flying in confusion.
The 1914 conscripts, who, as is well known, have yet to go into action, must not be supposed to be lying idle; they are being rendered irresistible by a severe training in the use of the grimace, which is likely to take the place of the bayonet as a means of clearing enemy trenches. The Crown Prince himself has frequently given instruction to the troops, although, in the interests of the men, it has been found necessary for the demonstrations to be carried on through sheets of smoked glass.
Krupps have largely abandoned the manufacture of big guns, and have now laid down plant for the construction of five million masks of a hideousness without parallel. Samples tested by the Black Pomeranians prove that any one of these masks has the power to drive a force of a thousand men into instant and complete insensibility.
With regard to the new crop reports, it must be remembered that fields hitherto intended for the growing of wheat and barley have, under a new order from the Imperial War Department, been planted with roots for the manufacture of the terrifying turnip-ghosts now required by the German army.
