CHARIVARIA.
"At every point," we read, "the Allies have made sensible progress." So different from the stupid progress made very occasionally by the enemy!
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We have been asked to recommend suitable Fiction for reading during the War. We have no hesitation in calling attention to the claims of the war news from Amsterdam and Rome.
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The Prussian Government has ordered that there shall be no public festivities on the occasion of the birthday of the Kaiser. This confirms the rumour that His Majesty now wishes that he had not been born.
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By the way, to show how far-reaching is the influence of a Prussian command even to-day, no public festivities will take place on the occasion referred to either in Belgium, France, Russia, Japan, Serbia, Montenegro, or Great Britain.
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Dr. Dernburg—and the expression is really not a bit too strong for him—has been telling an American audience that his countrymen really "love the French and the Belgians." At the risk of appearing ungrateful, however, our allies are saying that the Germans have such a subtle way of showing their love that they would rather be hated, please.
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"Germany," says the Cologne Gazette in an article on the food question, "has still at hand a very large supply of pigs." Even after the enormous number they have exported to Belgium.
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Meanwhile we are constantly assured that the food question causes no anxiety whatever in Germany. It certainly does seem, judging by the lies with which the Germans are fed, that these woderful people will be able to swallow anything.
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Lord Rosebery's appointment as Captain-General of the Royal Company of Scottish Archers has not escaped the notice of the alert German Press, and it is being pointed out in Berlin that we are so hard up in the matter of equipment for our army that bows and arrows are now being served out.
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The new corps which has just been formed with the title of the "Ju-Jitsu Corps" has, we are informed, no connection with the artistes who went to the Front to give entertainments for the troops.
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Both officers and men in certain towns are beginning to complain of the irksomeness of the constant salutes that have to be given when they walk abroad. Surely it should be possible to invent some simple little contrivance whereby a button is pressed and a mechanical hand does the rest?
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Suggested name for a regiment of Bantams—The Miniature Rifles.
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A peculiarly touching instance of patriotism has been brought to our notice. A London barber whose measurement are too puny to allow of his being accepted as a recruit has written to the War Office offering to barb some wire for them in his spare time.
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"Mr. Keir Hardie," says a bulletin, "was yesterday reported to be gradually improving." But we are afraid that this only refers to his health.
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An Englishman had suddenly to exercise all his tact the other day. He was in Kensington Gardens with a Belgian refugee. "What's that?" he asked, pointing to the Albert Memorial. The Englishman explained. "What, already a monument to our brave King!" cried the Belgian as he embraced his friend. The Englishman, with admirable reticence, said nothing.
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"A Turkish advance guard," says a telegram, "has occupied Tabriz." Very plucky of him, and his name ought to be published. Can it be dear old Turkish Reggie?
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The Vorwärts computes that the War is costing nine millions a day. Small wonder if, in these hard times, one or two countries look upon war as a luxury which they ought to try to get on without.
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"As there is every probability," we read, "that the child population of Kensington will decline in the future owing to the migration of families to the outer suburbs, the L.C.C. proposes to meet the present demand for a new school by building a 'short-life school,' one that will last but twenty years." The difficulty, of course, will be so to construct it that it will collapse gently on the last day of its twentieth year, and the problem threatens to tax to the utmost the ingenuity of our jerry-builders.
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WILLIAM THE GALLANT.
The Kaiser, by gifts of roses, has been trying to ingratiate himself with the Grand Duchess of Luxembourg, whose country he has invaded in defiance of treaty obligations.
During a "stormy scene" in Stirling School Board, Councillor Barker, according to The Glasgow Evening Times, "refused to withdraw, alleging that Mr. Reid taunted him on the streets as being an Alpine Purist." "Alpine purist" is a term of abuse with which Mr. Punch has never sullied his lips, though once he nearly referred to a very tedious bishop as a cis-Carpathian pedagogue.
