The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists
Most of the hands had by now lit their pipes, but there were a few who preferred chewing their tobacco. As they smoked or chewed they expectorated upon the floor or into the fire. Wantley was one of those who preferred chewing and he had been spitting upon the floor to such an extent that he was by this time partly surrounded by a kind of semicircular moat of dark brown spittle.
'I'm a Bush Baptist,' he shouted across the moat, 'and you all knows wot that is.'
This confession of faith caused a fresh outburst of hilarity, because of course everyone knew what a Bush Baptist was.
'If 'eaven's goin' to be full of sich swines as 'Unter,' observed Easton, 'I think I'd rather go to the other place.'
'If ever ole Misery does get into 'eaven.' said Philpot, ''e won't stop there very long. I reckon 'e'll be chucked out of it before 'e's been there a week, because 'e's sure to start pinchin' the jewels out of the other saints' crowns.'
'Well, if they won't 'ave 'im in 'eaven I'm sure I don't know wot's to become of 'im,' said Harlow with assumed concern,' because I don't believe 'e'd be allowed into 'ell, now.'
'Why not?' demanded Bundy. 'I should think it's just the bloody place for sich as 'im.'
'So it used to be at one time o' day, but they've changed all that now. They've 'ad a revolution down there; deposed the Devil, elected a parson as President, and started puttin' the fire out.'
'From what I hears of it,' continued Harlow when the laughter had ceased, ''ell is a bloody fine place to live in just now. There's underground railways and 'lectric trams, and at the corner of nearly every street there's a sort of pub where you can buy ice cream, lemon squash, four ale, and American cold drinks; and you're allowed to sit in a refrigerator for two hours for a tanner.'
'But puttin' all jokes aside,' said Philpot, 'I can't believe there's sich a place as 'ell. There may be some kind of punishment, but I don't believe it's a real fire.'
'Nor nobody else, what's got any sense,' replied Harlow, contemptuously.
'I believe as this world is 'ell,' said Crass, looking around with a philosophic expression. This opinion was echoed by most of the others, although Slyme remained silent and Owen laughed.
118
