“I cannot look back on the unhappy event without suffering the most painful sensations, not only as respects the deed itself, but also as regards a sort of unhappy destiny, and not as a casual occurrence. God forbid that I should for a moment dare to arraign, or even to call in question, the justice of an everlasting Providence: but, if ever fate preponderated the action of an individual, or hurried him to a crisis, some unknown power, with cruel and desperate sway, tyrannized on that lamented day over the affections of my heart, and dashed its calm placidity with the tumultuous waves of violence and rage.
“I must claim the indulgence of this honourable court for occupying so much of its valuable time, if I have deviated from the subject before them: but when they recollect the very critical situation in which I am placed, I hope they will be ready to pity and forgive the wanderings of the mind. I shall beg leave to call the attention of the court to the testimonies I shall advance to prove the general calmness and indulgence of my temper towards every one in public and private. I have more particularly at this time to lament the death of my much respected friend and commander. Captain Edward Rushworth, as also the absence of Admiral Dixon from this country; but yet I trust I shall still be able, from the testimony of Captains Trollope and Braimer, and another officer in the court[1], and of many of my messmates and brother officers – and what must tend still more to convince this honourable court of the extent of my clemency, as it respects my conduct to those placed under my command, together with my other depositions, the leading men of the Griffon are also ready to bear testimony. I trust the warm and artless effusions of their manly and unsophisticated hearts, will sufficiently convince this honourable court, of the repugnance of my nature to the act, and that nothing but the irritating conduct of the deceased could have made me outstep the bounds of reason and justice.
“A seeming obedience returned the blade unpolluted to its sheath, when an unexpected recurrence of the offence, under aggravated circumstances, overwhelmed at once my discretion and my judgment, and drove me on to commit the horrid deed with which I stand arraigned at the bar of this honourable court. When I turn my thoughts towards the melancholy catastrophe, the retrospect is agonizing in the extreme; but I look forward to whatever may be the result of this court-martial, with becoming deference and resignation, which can only proceed from a conscience void of the offence of a wilful guilt, and assisted by the Divine Power, I feel supported by the confidence of ever having acted on humane and honourable principles. I know myself incapable of committing an ill action, and am horror-struck at the magnitude of this.
“I trust there is not a spectator in this court, who does not believe these emotions to be the genuine inmates of my breast. If there be any amongst- ↑ Captain Francis William Austen, under whom he had previously served in the St. Albans 64.
