ing amusing words . . . my novels . . . not of cosmic importance, hardly . . .
[Then self -reassuringly]
but there is a public to cherish them, evidently . . . and I can write! . . . more than one can say of these modern sex-yahoos! . . . I must start work tomorrow . . . I’d like to use the Professor in a novel sometime . . . and his wife . . . seems impossible she’s been dead six years . . . so aggressively his wife! . . . poor Professor! now it’s Nina who bosses him . . . but that’s different . . . she has bossed me, too, ever since she was a baby . . . she’s a woman now . . . known love and death . . . Gordon brought down in flames . . . two days before the armistice . . . what fiendish irony! . . . his wonderful athlete’s body . . . her lover . . . charred bones in a cage of twisted steel . . . no wonder she broke down . . . Mother said she’s become quite queer lately . . . Mother seemed jealous of my concern . . . why have I never fallen in love with Nina? . . . could I? . . . that way . . . used to dance her on my knee . . . sit her on my lap . . . even now she’d never think anything about it . . . but sometimes the scent of her hair and skin . . . like a dreamy drug . . . dreamy! . . . there’s the rub! . . . all dreams with me! . . . my sex life among the phantoms! . . .
[He grins torturedly]
Why? . . . oh, this digging in gets nowhere . . . to the devil with sex! . . . our impotent pose of today to beat the loud drum on fornication! . . . boasters . . . eunuchs parading with the phallus! . . . giving themselves away . . . whom do they fool? . . . not even themselves ! . . .
[His face suddenly full of an intense pain and disgust]
Ugh! . . . always that memory! . . . why can’t I ever forget? . . . as sickeningly clear as if it were yes-
