I could not stand the contempt I met with every where. Now I intruded upon them, and it afforded me a malicious satisfaction to drive them away by my appearance: It gave me a pleasure, because I had nothing farther to lose, and nobody to care for; I had no farther occasion for the least good quality, because nobody believed I had one left; the whole world was open to me, and perhaps I should have been able to recover the character of an honest man in a distant province, however I had no courage to assume even the mask of honesty; despair and disgrace had forced these sentiments upon me, and I persuaded myself that every sense of honor was useless to me, since I had no claim to the smallest share of it. If my vanity and pride had maintained their dominion over me, I certainly should have put an end to my existence; I did not know myself what my intentions were, I wanted to do mischief so much I knew: I wished to deserve my"fate.
