For ball-room partners; so far well—
I still was young, and who could tell
How soon some dangler might declare.
None did—I almost felt despair—
Especially when I was told
Kindly—I looked by no means old!
I gave up balls, and turned devout,
And followed clergymen about
To bible meetings, infant schools,
Conforming to the strictest rules;
But 'twould not do—none of them popped
Therefore that line in time I dropped.
I then turned blue-stocking, and read
Even when reposing on by bed;
As much I'm sure I crammed, more too,
Than Cantabs or Oxonians do
When plucking stands before their eyes,
Or academic honour lies
Within their grasp—but all was vain
A matrimonial prize to gain.
My every plan seemed to miscarry—
So I declared I'd never marry!
I dare say people said "sour grapes"—
And hinted at my "leading apes"—
But I pretended quite to scorn,
All of the male sex ever born.
And for companion — wanting that—
I took a sleek, plump, green-eyed cat.
About this time some quirk of law,
In an old uncle's will, some flaw
My coffers filled with stores of gold,
And I was courted as of old.
Though fully forty years had flown
Over my head, I did not own
To more than thirty-two or three;
None flatly contradicted me.
To parties now once more I went—
To me bouquets once more were sent—
And I resolved once more on this—
To drop the odious name of …. Miss.
Fatal resolve. A wooer came,
With high aristocratic name,
He was third cousin to some duke,
And had a most distingué look,
Dark bushy hair—a slight moustache—
Waltzed well-rode well—but had no cash.
He praised my eyes—he praised my smile—
He knew fall well how to beguile
A trusting heart—at last at last—
The question came! The die was cast!
Flurried and fainting, I said "Yes."
He did not stop my head to press,
But forthwith to his lawyer flew.
The settlements with him he drew,
And I had but the deed to sign
Which took from me all that was mine!
I had not time, just then, for thought;
There were new dresses to be bought,
And orange-flowers, and wedding cake,
And bridal gifts to send and take;
My head went whirling round and round—
Then came the day—what was that sound?
By some mistake the death-bell tolled
Instead of marriage bells—how cold
And frightened I became! That bell—
I knew not them—but—'twas the knell
Of all my comfort here below!
My honeymoon? Heigh-ho—heigh-ho!
Twas passed in bitterness and gall,
My bridegroom let the mask soon fall,
Confessed he only sought my pelf,
Nor cared a straw for me myself.
I sobbed, and I was called "old fool"—
I smiled, and I was told "to cool
My antiquated love." I knew
That recklessly my husband threw
My wealth away—yet not a pound
Its way into my pocket found.
Neglected—jeered at—stinted—cheated—
This is the way that I've been treated.
Oh ye! who spinsters have remained
Till a certain age has been attained,
Be warned by my experience!
If ye have any common sense,
Stick still to single-blessedness,
Nor madly rush on wretchedness.
You'll lose your money, if you're wealthy—
Be made a sick muse, if you're healthy—
Be laughed at by your dearest friends—
And nothing get to make amends.
Like me, you'll ask, with many a sigh—
"Why did I marry—why, oh why?"
