A Panorama of Idiots
By Major Owen Hatteras
IDIOTS who believed that the late war would put an end to war, and establish democracy all over the world. Idiots who argue that the place for women is in the home, and that they are degraded by spending three minutes in a polling-booth every year. Idiots who believe that they will burn in hell if they kiss their sisters-in-law on this earth. Idiots who read the editorials in newspapers. Idiots who swallowed all of the Woodrow rubbish, and are now down with political cholera morbus. Idiots who think that their stenographers are crazy to marry them. Idiots who read the serials in the fashionable-adultery magazines. Idiots who were astounded when it was discovered that a great many baseball players were crooks. Idiots who serve on juries and believe the perjury of both sides. Idiots ambitious to go to Congress and hear the cloak-room jokes of Uncle Joe Cannon. Idiots who believe that Prohibition will do us all good. Idiots who regard Blasco Ibañez as a more dignified literary artist than Dr. Berthold Baer. Idiots who boast that they have never been in Brooklyn. Idiots who advocate vegetarianism, the New Thought, the initiative and referendum, the Single Tax, birth control and the Plumb plan. Idiots who wear sanitary underwear. Idiots who have never heard of Remy de Gourmont, Ludwig Thoma or Max Reger. Idiots who devour H. G. Wells. Idiots who invest their money through curb-brokers. Idiots who believe in any medical man who wears whiskers. Idiots who love Baltimore, and believe that it is beautiful. Idiots who are afraid to make love to their own wives. Idiots who believe that their souls are immortal. Idiots who subscribe to funds to help the Armenians and are then indignant when it turns out that the money has been spent to paint Constantinople red. Idiots who drink out of the glasses at soda-fountains, but regard it as dirty to chew tobacco. Idiots who long to get away from the city, and to settle down upon some little place out in New Jersey. Idiots who crowd into Baptist tabernacles on Sunday morning to hear other idiots demolish Darwin and Huxley. Idiots who buy books explaining the Einstein theory. Idiots who take up collections on ocean liners. Idiots who read books on sex hygiene. Idiots who shave twice a day. Idiots who march in parades carrying little American flags. Idiots who can’t find their tickets on railway trains. Idiots who laugh when a poor Follies girl falls on the stage and bumps her tights. Idiots who stop to listen to brass bands. Now and then an idiot safely caged in Matteawan, where all the rest belong.
