Pleased to Meet You/Chapter 13
Colonel Cointreau, resourceful as usual, hunted about the drawing room for a pin. As he expected, he found one eventually in the long blue damask window curtains. He stood trying to reattach the large golden epaulette to his shoulder when he was startled by a soft explosion. It came apparently from the great hall, a sudden popping sound followed by a faint whistling gasp. It was not unlike the fracture of an electric light bulb fallen from a height; but there are no electric lights in the Farniente Palace. He listened sharply. But nothing further happened, so he resumed his task, attempting to adjust the heavily fringed ornament at its proper angle. He had got it affixed, rather insecurely, when the sound came again, louder. This time there was discernible also a sort of strangled fizzing.
Hastily he crossed the room and flung open the door; on the very instant he was met point blank by a second repetition at close range. This time it was unmistakable: a sneeze, followed by a gulping sob. The mourner was Frau Quackenbush, weeping fluently.
"My dear lady," he cried aghast. "Vat can be loose, indeed? Lean on my arm, lean on de Dalmatian Navy dat have gonsoled so many unfortunate females. So, so; there, there."
He supported her tenderly to the sofa, where she sank heavily, carrying him with her. In spite of her beautiful silver gown Frau Quackenbush was a lamentable sight. Her eyes were bloodshot, glazed with tears; her nose red and swollen, her handsome features puffed with misery. She buried her face in her handkerchief.
"Ach, Himmel!" exclaimed the astounded man. "Speak, lady. You haf a pain? Mildred is sick? De gown too tight? Some calamity is too moch bust!"
She shook her head faintly, holding the handkerchief to her face, a small vinaigrette held limply in the other hand. Cointreau respectfully removed the handkerchief hand and pushed up the smelling salts under her nose. She sighed, and then was seized by another sharp convulsion. She trembled, shuddered, emitted a gargling groan and struggled for breath. The vinaigrette bottle clattered on the floor.
"Got save us! You feel easier?'ve must buck up, de gompany be soon here."
"I can't go through with it," she moaned faintly.
"Vat rascal have got you in dis gondition?" said the chivalrous Colonel. "Your osband, he is onkind? I call him out, I schpit him mit my sword.—No, Mildred gone to bed mit de sword. I play him a fatal jackpot.—Lady, lady, tell to me vat is wrong mit your bosoms."
"I can't tell you," she gasped. "It would offend you."
"Nodding ladies ever did could offend Cointreau," he declared soothingly. "Alvays I prepare for de vorst."
She shook her head, and mopped her eyes hopelessly.
"Is it de sorrows of our little contry dat bray upon your spirit? De difficulty of gonversations mit de Herr Bresident? I imblore you, Frau Quackenbush, be confidential in me. Ve be soch friends, ve dance, ve make insinuations. See, ve haf pretty gustom of Dlyria, vear a favour for friends. You brace up, not distress de Herr Bresident mit dese griefs, I gif you my trophy. Please, you vear it for me?"
He plucked the loosely pinned epaulette from his coat and offered it gallantly. With bleared eyes she could hardly see it, and recoiled with a choking cry.
"What is it, more goldenrod? Take it away, it's killing me! The whole house is full of it. Send upstairs for my atomizer, I'm suffocating."
A light broke upon the distracted Colonel. Like a man putting out a fire he leaped to his feet, rang the bell, then seized the bundles of goldenrod lavishly displayed in every vase and hurled them through the open door far across the terrace.
"It's my hay fever," said Frau Quackenbush in a strangled whisper. "Goldenrod is the one thing that absolutely kills me with asthma. I didn't know you had it in Europe."
She sank back against the cushions with another shattering sneeze.
"The maid said you got it for me as a special compliment," she murmured huskily. "So I didn't like to throw it out."
When Herr Guadeloupe and Nyla entered the salon a few minutes later, Frau Quackenbush was stretched, an imposing contour, on the couch. On his knees beside her the remorseful Colonel, uttering frantic endearments, was pumping the atomizer into her nose and throat.
"Tell me, dear lady, do de nostrils seem any happier?" he was asking solicitously. "Hosh!" he cautioned the horrified President. "I tink she revive. She breathe more freely. Open wide, ve spray out de pharynx. De pharynx, de larynx, and all de mucous membranes. She have a dreadful attack, unspeakable."
"Gott!" ejaculated the President. "An attack? Is it assassinations, ravishings? Ach, de Herr Ambassador add anoder million florins to de debt."
Frau Quackenbush struggled gamely to her feet.
"I'm better, Herr President," she said hoarsely. "Please don't be alarmed."
"She was very nearly ruined, but she improve," said the Colonel, medicating the air busily in various directions.
"You prefer ve cancel de guests?" asked Guadeloupe anxiously. "Perhaps Frau Quackenbush too sick for de dancings?" he added hopefully.
"No, please," she said. "I shall be all right in a moment. The Colonel saved me."
"But still I do not onderstand vat is happen," said the mystified President. "And how is dis?" he added, picking up the severed epaulette from the rug. "Signs of stroggle? Surely de age of ravishings is gone by?"
"Ve hope de age of ravishings never go by," said the Colonel charmingly. "Frau Quackenbush und I haf our liddle secrets. It is de old Farniente tradition. Hosh now, here come de Ambassador."
The footmen brought in candles, and a moment later Romsteck announced the first of the arriving guests.
"Herr Finance Minister Leutz, Frau Leutz," he shouted solemnly.
As the company gathered the Colonel devoted himself assiduously to Frau Quackenbush, and by the time dinner was served she was greatly improved and in excellent spirits.
Nyla went in to dinner on the Colonel's arm.
"Gene, I knew you could fix things somehow," she whispered gratefully. "What's become of your sword and the lovely red sash?"
"I gave them away," he said. "I'm giving away the whole outfit, bit by bit. Wear this for me." And he gave her the golden epaulette.