Poems (Hoffman)/How Perrim Treated the Girls
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HOW PERRIM TREATED THE GIRLS
The boys said Perrim was "rattled."
The girls said: "He's awful, oh dear!"
The men said: "He's surely half-witted."
And the ladies said: "Yes, it is clear
The young man is very peculiar,
Not over-well balanced, we fear."
Poor Perrim, the world had decided
That he was peculiarly queer.
The girls said: "He's awful, oh dear!"
The men said: "He's surely half-witted."
And the ladies said: "Yes, it is clear
The young man is very peculiar,
Not over-well balanced, we fear."
Poor Perrim, the world had decided
That he was peculiarly queer.
And why? He was gifted with language,
His speeches were lengthy and loud,
He invented new words on occasions
Of which Webster might have been proud,
"My forefathers and my foremothers,"
He shouted—the giggle-heads bowed;
When he mentioned, "dry land and dry water"
There was not a dry eye in the crowd.
His speeches were lengthy and loud,
He invented new words on occasions
Of which Webster might have been proud,
"My forefathers and my foremothers,"
He shouted—the giggle-heads bowed;
When he mentioned, "dry land and dry water"
There was not a dry eye in the crowd.
The young people gave a dime social
With coffee and cake and ice-cream,
And Perrim prepared to attend it
Being overly fond of the theme.
To take some young lady to supper,
Ah! this was the crown of the dream,
But alas! very often things are not
So easily done as they seem.
With coffee and cake and ice-cream,
And Perrim prepared to attend it
Being overly fond of the theme.
To take some young lady to supper,
Ah! this was the crown of the dream,
But alas! very often things are not
So easily done as they seem.
He asked a young lady in ribbons
Who looked most alluringly sweet
She answered with modest demeanor:
"So sorry, but promised to meet
A friend, in such haste," the girl next her
Answered him: "She never did eat."
Though Perrim was still bent on treating
He did not intend to retreat.
Who looked most alluringly sweet
She answered with modest demeanor:
"So sorry, but promised to meet
A friend, in such haste," the girl next her
Answered him: "She never did eat."
Though Perrim was still bent on treating
He did not intend to retreat.
The next one thought ice-cream was "horrid,"
And laughed showing two rows of pearls,
And one had a terrible headache
And pressed her gloved hand to her curls,
But though they all openly snubbed him
He was none the less fond of the girls;
And laughed showing two rows of pearls,
And one had a terrible headache
And pressed her gloved hand to her curls,
But though they all openly snubbed him
He was none the less fond of the girls;
So as each smiling girl with her escort
Departed to bounties below
Perrim pondered and proved as he pondered
That his odd brain at least was not slow
As alone, but with manner triumphant
To supper he hastened to go—
"Two dozen ice-creams," was his order
And the maidens who sold it said: " Oh!"
Departed to bounties below
Perrim pondered and proved as he pondered
That his odd brain at least was not slow
As alone, but with manner triumphant
To supper he hastened to go—
"Two dozen ice-creams," was his order
And the maidens who sold it said: " Oh!"
Then softly he stepped up behind her
The girl who had been in such haste
As she sat with her beau at the table
All radiant in ribbons and lace,
Her half-eaten dish quick removing
He set a full dish in its place
And stood there, her ice-cream devouring
With a triumphant grin on his face.
The girl who had been in such haste
As she sat with her beau at the table
All radiant in ribbons and lace,
Her half-eaten dish quick removing
He set a full dish in its place
And stood there, her ice-cream devouring
With a triumphant grin on his face.
And the maiden who lived without eating
And the one who was (strange to recall)
Now eating the cream she detested
Brave Perrim, he conquered them all
"Till with his ice-cream were provided
Two-thirds of the girls in the hall.
And the one who was (strange to recall)
Now eating the cream she detested
Brave Perrim, he conquered them all
"Till with his ice-cream were provided
Two-thirds of the girls in the hall.
The young men glared angrily at him
As gaily he gobbled his theft
And the girls, why of course, the girls giggled
As he swallowed the cream they had left,
And on "the dry land or dry water"
Had such a sight never been seen
By his "forefathers" or his "foremothers"
And some beside Perrim looked green.
The thing was a dreadful enigma
But one fact was plain in its whirls
The boys had all treated Perrim
And Perrim had treated the girls.
As gaily he gobbled his theft
And the girls, why of course, the girls giggled
As he swallowed the cream they had left,
And on "the dry land or dry water"
Had such a sight never been seen
By his "forefathers" or his "foremothers"
And some beside Perrim looked green.
The thing was a dreadful enigma
But one fact was plain in its whirls
The boys had all treated Perrim
And Perrim had treated the girls.