Poems (Taggart)/Some Account of the Author by Herself
SOME ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR.
WRITTEN BY HERSELF.
During infancy and childhood I was the subject of emaciating disease, and suffered much from pain and debility; but, when health permitted, I occasionally attended school, during the summer season only, from my sixth to my ninth year, and six or eight weeks, several years afterwards, to study geography and grammar. My knowledge of writing and arithmetic was acquired at home, as also that of grammar and geography with the above mentioned exception. I had likewise some opportunity, which was sedulously improved, of attending to the interesting study of astronomy, natural and civil history, and of reading the works of esteemed authors on important subjects; but have been chiefly debarred, by sickness and indigence, from the advantages of education, for which, during childhood and youth, I longed with an intensity of desire, that was acutely painful. But for many years past I have resignedly acquiesced in the allotments of Providence; believing assuredly, that all things are ordered in infinite mercy, and that the decrees of the all-wise Creator are righteous altogether.
From the earliest time I can recollect, I was, though not melancholy, of a meditative and retired habit, and found much more amusement in yielding my mind to a pleasing train of fancy, and in forming stories and scenes according to my inclination, than in the plays, in which the children with whom I associated took delight. And during the whole of my childhood and youth, previous to my incurable illness, I derived incomparably more entertainment and delight from these mental reveries, and in silently contemplating the beauties and wonders of the visible creation, than in associating with my youthful companions; though I was not averse to society, especially that in which I could find a congenial spirit, and such I highly enjoyed. My favorite amusements were invariably found, when health permitted, in viewing and admiring the varied and soul-filling works of the great Creator; in listening to the music of the winds and waves with an ineffable and indefinable delight; in reading books that were instructive and interesting; in pursuing, without interruption, a pleasing train of thought; and in the elysian scenes of fancy. My employments were chiefly of a domestic kind, and my inclinations and habits those of activity and industry. I had never the most remote and vague apprehension, that my mental capacities, even if cultivated, were competent for productive efforts; with few exceptions, it was not till several years after the commencement of excruciating illness, that my thoughts and feelings were committed to paper, in the form of poetry; and the sole cause of the production of many little pieces, since that period, was, that in them my mind found some small relief from the pressure of incessant suffering, though, from the prevalence of bodily languor, it was possible to derive only transient amusement from thus occupying my thoughts;—if longer persisted in, partial faintness and an insupportable agony of the brain ensued.
I was frequently, during childhood, the subject of religious impressions, especially when hearing or reading of the love of Christ, the depravity of the human heart, and the happiness or misery of a future state. But these impressions were fleeting; and it was not till my eighteenth year, that any abiding seriousness was produced in my mind; when I became deeply impressed with the supreme excellence and importance of religion, and greatly desirous that my dark and alienated mind might be enlightened by the Spirit of Truth, and brought into a sacred nearness to the Saviour of sinners,—that my soul might be renovated, and entirely conformed to the holy will of God, and that I might live a devoted and useful life. And for a short time I believed I had experienced, in part, what I so anxiously desired; but I have never derived that peace and consolation from religion, which Christians in general enjoy, and which it is so amply adequate to afford. But if I have not been the subject of renovating grace, and of those holy illuminations, that are essential to the divine life, it is my earnest and supreme desire that I yet may be, and that my soul, in life and in death, may be entirely resigned and conformed to the righteous will of the all-wise God and Saviour. But, though I have failed of obtaining that enjoyment and holy delight, which the principles of religion in ordinary cases afford, yet through a series of the deepest afflictions they have been my sole support. When in the bloom of youth, with a high relish for the tranquil and delightful amusements of ,early life, and an ardent desire of improvement, I was at once deprived of every earthly enjoyment and of almost all that could render life tolerable,—doomed to the endurance of perpetual bodily anguish,—and, while writhing upon the bed of languishing, deprived even of the sweet and soothing influence of balmy sleep, the all-important support and restorative of exhausted and decaying nature. In the midst of these deplorable calamities, a firm belief in the doctrines of the Gospel has sustained my spirit, and endued my soul with strength to bear, with a measure of composure and resignation, these long-protracted and inconceivable sufferings.
But in order to give a more explicit account of the nature and progress of this afflictive dispensation, I must revert to the period of its commencement, which was that of my existence; from which, and during infancy and childhood, I was so extremely sickly, that my parents had no hope of my attaining mature years; and though blessed, from my sixth year, with a degree of strength that enabled me occasionally to attend school, and afterwards to engage in active employment, yet my slender constitution was frequently assailed by disease, from my birth to my nineteenth year. Shortly after this period, I was seized with a more serious and alarming illness, than any with which I had hitherto been exercised, and in the progress of which my life was for many weeks despaired of. But after my being reduced to the brink of the grave, and enduring excruciating pain and excessive weakness for more than three months, it yielded to superior medical skill; and I so far recovered strength as to walk a few steps and frequently to ride abroad, though not without a great increase of pain, an almost maddening agony of the brain, and a total deprivation of sleep for three or four nights and days successively.
From this time a complication of the most painful and debilitating chronic diseases ensued, and have continued to prey upon my frail system during the subsequent period of my life,—from which no permanent relief could be obtained, either through medicine or the most judicious regimen,—natural sleep having been withheld to an almost, if not altogether unparalleled degree, from the first serious illness throughout the twelve subsequent years. This unnatural deprivation has caused the greatest debility, and an agonizing painfulness and susceptibility of the whole system, which I think can neither be described nor conceived. After the expiration of a little more than three years from the above mentioned illness, the greater part of which period I was able to sit up two or three hours in a day, and frequently rode, supported in a carriage, a short distance, though as before observed, not without great increase of pain, and total watchfulness for many succeeding nights,—I was again attacked with a still more acutely painful and dangerous malady, from which, recovery for several weeks seemed highly improbable, when this most alarming complaint again yielded to medical skill, and life continued, though strength has never more returned. And in what agony, in what excruciating tortures, and restless languishing the greater part of the last nine years has been passed, it is believed by my parents that language is inadequate to describe or the human mind to conceive. During both the former and latter period of these long-protracted and uncompromising diseases, every expedient that has been resorted to, with the blissful hope of recovery, has proved, not only ineffectual to produce the desired result, but has, invariably, greatly aggravated and increased my complicated complaints; from which it has been impossible to obtain the smallest degree of relief that could render life supportable, and preserve the scorching brain from phrensy, without the constant use of the most powerful anodynes.