Punch/Volume 147/Issue 3810/The Inquisition
Dear Sir,—Henry Anderson, who is an applicant for my temporarily vacant situation as working gardener, assistant hedger and ditcher and superintending odd man (single-handed), has referred me to you as to his character and qualifications, stating that he was in your employment—I gather some nine years ago—for a time. You will therefore, I trust, forgive me if I take the liberty of asking you to be good enough to answer the following questions concerning him and his wife. He calls himself twenty-five, married, with no family.
(1) Was he in your employment?
(2) When?
(3) Is he twenty-five?
(4) Is he married?
(5) Has he no family?
(6) Is he strictly sober? (These word are to be taken quite literally.)
(7) His wife ditto?
(8) Is he decent and morally respectable, careful in his habits and guarded in his language?
(9) His wife ditto?
(10) Is he honest and reliable?
(11) His wife ditto, and not one to answer back?
(12) Are they both used to the country, contented in their sphere, interested in rural surroundings, fond of children, fond of animals, fond of fruit?
(13) Is he strong and healthy, neither shortsighted nor deaf? (I have suffered much from both.)
(14) His wife ditto, and always tidy?
(15) Does he stammer? (I have been greatly inconvenienced by this.)
(16) His wife ditto?
(17) Does he squint? (This has often been a trial to me.)
(18) His wife ditto?
(19) Is lie active, industrious, enthusiastic and an early riser, good-natured, equable and obliging?
(20) His wife ditto, and no gossip?
(21) Is he a heavy smoker?
(22) His wife ditto?
(23) Is he well up to the culture of vegetables, the upraising of flowers and the education of fruit, both outside and under glass?
(21) Is he capable of feeding hens, driving a motor, overhauling a pianola, carving or waiting at table if required?
(25) To what Church do they belong? What are their favourite recreations? Do they sing in the choir? if so, is he tenor or baritone; his wife ditto?
(26) Are they on good terms with each other, and no domestic bickering?
(27) What wages did you pay him?
(28) Why (on earth) did you part with him?
An immediate answer will greatly oblige. I enclose an addressed envelope.
I am, Your obedient Servant,
Julius Pitherby.
Letter II.
Myself to Julius Pitherby, Esq.,
Manor Grange, Pimhaven.
Dear Sir,—I thank you for your letter. The answers to questions (1), (2), (25), (27) and (28) are in the affirmative. With regard to the others you have, no doubt unwittingly, put me in rather a dilemma. You see, Anderson left my service when he was sixteen and I have not heard of him since, though it is true that I did see his father (who belongs to this neighbourhood) on the roof of the church one day last month. I might make shots at them, of course, but I dare say it is better to leave it. I am interested to learn that Henry is married.
I am,
Yours faithfully, &c.
Letter III.
Myself to Henry Anderson,
c/o Ezekiel Anderson, Slater, Crashie, Howe.
My Dear Henry,—I do not think if I were you I should accept Mr. Julius Pitherby's offer of a job. Your marriage may, of course, have been—I hope it was—the occasion of your turning over a new leaf. Still, I doubt if you are quite the paragon he is looking for, and I am afraid that you may find him a little inquisitive.
I am,
Yours faithfully, &c.