Punch/Volume 147/Issue 3815/Answers to Correspondents
"For Nuts."—The origin of this curious phrase to indicate incompetence in any pursuit or pastime—e.g., "He can't play for nuts," etc.—is obscure; but its antiquity is incontestable. Thus one of the fragments of Ennius runs: "Nucibus non ludere possum." Perhaps the most plausible theory is that which views the phrase as a heritage from our simian ancestors, among whom nuts were the common medium of exchange. On this assumption a monkey—whether gorilla, chimpanzee, baboon or or orangutan—who was described as unable to do anything "for nuts," i.e., for pecuniary remuneration, was obviously inefficient. Another explanation, which we believe is supported by Mr. Eustace Miles, scouts the notion of an an ancient origin of the phrase and fixes the terminus a quo by the recent introduction of vegetarian diet. Nuts being a prime staple of the votaries of this cult, a person who cannot do anything "for nuts" means, by implication, a carnivorous savage who is incapable of progress. Lastly, there remains the ingenious solution that the phrase as commonly employed involves a misspelling. It ought to be "four nuts," and playing four nuts was an ancient but simple game, which may be connected with the cognate phrase about knowing or not knowing "how many beans make five."
Polly Perkins: Was She a Real Person?—A careful search in the registers of Paddington in the early and mid-Victorian period reveals so many Mary Perkinses as to render the task of identification peculiarly difficult. It will be remembered, however, that the heroine of the famous ballad is described as not only "little," but "pretty;" indeed, she is spoken of as being "as beautiful as a butterfly and as proud as a queen." So far, however, these clues to her appearance have yielded no solid results. The representatives of the famous family of brewers have been unable to throw any light on the subject, and an application to the managing director of the London and General Omnibus Company has also proved unproductive (Polly Perkins "married the conductor of a twopenny 'bus.") Her brilliant appearance suggests a possible relationship with Dr. Perkins, the famous pioneer of the aniline dye industry; but this, as well as the theory that she was a descendant of Perkin Warbeck, is mere surmise.
The First Man who ate an Oyster—The most widely circulated account of this feat is that which ascribes it to the notorious Roman epicure Publius Esurius Gulo, who was nicknamed Bellipotens from the rotundity of his figure. According tot he account given in the Gastronomica of Voracius Bulbo (ii. 18) Gulo was always making daring experiments, and, when bathing at Baiae on a very hot day, and seeing a bivalve which had rashly opened its jaws in the sun, he dexterously inserted a stone and conveyed the contents to his mouth on the point of the pin of his fibula. He was subsequently created a proconsul by Nero. The only drawback connected with this account is the fact that oysters were recognised as delicacies in Rome at least a hundred years before Nero. It is right to add the the genuineness of Bulbo's Gastronomica has been seriously impugned, the best authorities (including Francatelli) being convinced that the treatise was the work of a sixteenth-century farceur who belonged to the royal house of Paphlagonia.
Parlour Pathos, Specimens of.—The best speciments of this interesting emotional product are to be found in the words of Royalty Ballads. A good instance is to be found in the following choice quatrain:—
Nature cases not whence or how,
Nature asks not why;
'Tis enough that thou are thou,
And that I am I
Comparative Couplets.—The correct form of this literary disease is as follows:—
A chair without a leg
Is like a hen without an egg.
But it is emphatically not to be encouraged, as excessive indulgence in the habit has been known to lead to the break-up of happy homes.
Names of Golf Clubs.—The latest addition to the list is, so far as we are aware, the "Sammy," but efforts are being made to induce the St. Andrews authorities to sanction the "Biffy," a combination of the jigger and the baffy, and the "Duncher," a powerful weapon for extricating the ball out of rushes, tar and other viscous lies.
The Juggins Family.—This family claims descent from Joskin ap Gwyggan, the last native prince who rules in Dwffryn. The earlier lines in the descent are doubtful. The various families claiming to spring from Joskin adopted different patronymics in the fifteenth and succeeding centuries, amongst which may be noted Joskins, Gherkin, Guggenheimer, and Gaga.