Punch/Volume 147/Issue 3822/Another Scrap of Paper
["The Times" of October 1st vouches for the following Army Order issued by the German Kaiser on August 19th: "It is my Royal and Imperial Command that you concentrate your energies, for the immediate present, upon one single purpose, and that is that you address all your skill and all the valour of my soldiers to exterminate first the treacherous English and walk over General French's contemptible little Army."]
Wilhelm, I do not know your whereabouts.
The gods elude us. When we would detect your
Earthly address, 'tis veiled in misty doubts
Of devious conjecture.
At Nancy, in a moist trench, I am told
That you performed an unrehearsed lustration;
That there you linger, having caught a cold,
Followed by inflammation.
Others assert that your asbestos hut,
Conveyed (with you inside) to Polish regions,
Promises to afford a likely butt
To Russia's wingéd legions.
But, whether this or that (or both) be true,
Or merely tales of which we have the air full,
In any case I say, "O Wilhelm, do,
Do, if you can, be careful!"
For if, by evil chance, upon your head,
Your precious head, some impious shell alighted,
I should regard my dearest hopes as dead,
My occupation blighted.
I want to save you for another scene,
Having perused a certain Manifesto
That stimulates an itching, very keen,
In every Briton's best toe—
An Order issued to your Army's flower,
Giving instructions most precise and stringent
For the immediate wiping out of our
"Contemptible" contingent.
Well, that's a reason why I'd see you spared;
So take no risks, but rather heed my warning,
Because I have a little plan prepared
For Potsdam, one fine morning.
I see you, ringed about with conquering foes—
See you, in penitential robe (with taper),
Invited to assume a bending pose
And eat that scrap of paper!