Punch/Volume 147/Issue 3822/The Last Line
II.
I have said that our motto is "Soldier and Civilian Too." That is our strength and our weakness; our weakness because it leaves us a little uncertain as to how we stand in matters of discipline.
I happened to be Corporal of the Guard the other evening—a delightful position. For the first time I had a little authority. True I sometimes give the man next to me a prod in the wind and whisper, "Form fours, idiot," but it is an unofficial prod, designed to save him from the official fury. Now for the first time I was in power, with the whole strength of military law behind me. So of course I got busy. As soon as the first guard had been set, and the rest of them, with their distinguished corporal and commonplace sergeant, were in the guard tent, I let meself go.
"Now then, my lad," I said to one, "look alive. Just clear this tent a bit, and then fetch some straw for my bed to-night. When you've done that, I'll think of something else for you. We've all got to work these days. Bustle up."
Without looking up from the paper he was straining his eyes to read, he murmured lazily, "Oh, go and boil your head," and bent still lower over the news. The others sniggered.
For a moment I was taken aback. Then I saw that there was only one dignified thing to do. I went out and consulted my solicitor.
"James," I said, as soon as I had found him, "I desire your advice. Free," I added as an afterthought.
"Go on," said James, sitting up and putting the tips of his fingers together.
"It is like this. I am Corporal of the Guard." James looked impressed. "Corporal of the Guard," I repeated; "a responsible position. Practically the whole safety of the camp depends upon me. In the interests of that safety I found it necessary to give some orders just now. The reply I received was, 'Go and boil your head.' What ought I to do?"
James was thoughtful for a little.
"It depends," he said at last.
"How depends?" I asked indignantly. "He told me to go and boil my———"
"Exactly. So that it depends on who told you. If it was the Sergeant of the Guard whom you accidentally addressed———"
"Help!" I murmured, struck by a horrible fear.
"In that case," went on James, "it would be your duty to obey orders. Obtaining a large saucepan of fresh water, you would heat it to, approximately, 212 degrees Fahrenheit, at which point bubbles would begin to appear upon the surface of the pan. Then, immersing the head until the countenance assumed a ripe beetroot colour, you would return it to the Sergeant of the Guard, salute, and ask him if he had any further instructions to give you... No," added James, "I think I am wrong there. It would not be necessary for you to salute. Only commissioned officers are saluted in the British Army."
I had been thinking furiously while James was speaking.
"It wasn't the sergeant," I said eagerly. "I'm sure it wasn't. I noticed him particularly when we were forming up. No, James, it was an ordinary private."
"In that case the position is more complicated. On the whole I think it would be your duty to convene a court-martial and have the fellow shot."
I looked at my watch.
"How long does it take to convene a court-martial?" I asked. "I've never that convened one before."
"What matter the time!" said James grandly. "The mills may grind slowly, but they grind exceeding small."
"Quite so. But in about an hour and a quarter the guard is changed; and if, as is probably, the man who insulted me is then on guard himself, he will have the rifle. And if he has the rifle, I don't quite see how we are going to shoot him."
"You mean he mightn't give it up?"
"Yes. It would be rank insubordination, I admit, but in the circumstances one would not be surprised at his attitude."
"That is a good point," said James. "It had escaped me." He was silent again. "There's another thing, too, I was forgetting," added. "If he were shot, his wife might possibly object and make a fuss. The affair would very likely get into the papers—you know what the Press is. It might give the Corps a bad name."
We were both silent for a little.
"Suppose," I said, "the death penalty were not enforced, and he were merely given three days in cells?"
"But he has to get back to his work on Monday."
"True. Really, it's very hard to see how discipline can be maintained. I almost wish now that I wasn't a temporary noncommissioned officer. As a private one simply has the time of one's life, telling corporals all day long to go and boil their heads. I wish I were a private again."
"There's one thing you can do," said James. "You can report him to the Sergeant of the Guard."
"And what's the good of that?"
"Only that it's probably your duty," said James austerely. "And I should think it's also your duty to get back to the guard-tent as soon as possible."
I rose with dignity.
"I do not consult my solicitor simply to be told my duty," I said stuffly. "All I want to know if, Can I bring an action against him?"
"No," said James.
"In that case I will return. Good evening."
I went back to the guard-tent. The mutineer was still reading, but now there was a light to read by. He looked up as I came in. I had had that uneasy feeling all along, and now I knew. It was the Sergeant.
I saluted. It may be wrong, as James says, but a salute or two thrown in can't do any harm.
"May I speak to you, Sergeant?" I said respectfully, yet with an air which implied that the Germans were upon us and that the news must be kept from the others.
We went outside together.
"Awfully sorry," I said; "it was rather dark. I'm an ass."
"My dear man, that's all right," he said. "By the way you'd better see about getting some straw in. I've got to see the Adjutant." He went off, and I returned to the tent.
"I want one of you to help me get some straw," I said mildly.
Three of them jumped up at once. "You stay here," they said, "we'll get it."
So there you are; there's nothing wrong with the discipline. At the same time if it were necessary to shoot anybody, I am not quite sure how we should proceed.