Punch/Volume 147/Issue 3824/The Double Mystery

by A. A. Milne

"THE DOUBLE MYSTERY."

Act I.

Scene: The house of Judge Hallers. Also of Mr. Arthur Bourchier; that is to say, The Garrick.

Doctor Ferrier (professionally). Now tell me the symptoms. Where do you feel the pain?

Judge Hallers. At the back of the head. I've never been myself since I fell off my bicycle. My memory goes.

Ferrier. Ah, I know what you want. Open your mouth. (Inserts thermometer.) This will cure you... Good heavens, he's swallowed it!

Hallers. There you are, that's what I mean. I thought it was asparagus for the moment. Haven't you another one on you?

Ferrier. Tut, tut, this is very singular. (Makes another effort to grapple with it.) What books have you been reading lately?

Hallers. One about Dual Personality. It's all rubbish.

Ferrier (quoting from the programme with an air of profound knowledge). Cases showing prevalence of this mental disorder are to be found everywhere. (Gets up.) Well, well, I will come round to-morrow with another thermometer. Good night.

[Exit.

Hallers. Dual personality—nonsense! (A spasm seizes him. He scowls at the audience, ties a muffler round his neck and loses his identity.) Gr-r-r-r! Waugh-waugh! Gr-r-r-r-r! Przemysl!

[Exit growling.

Act II.

Scene: "The Lame Duck" café, a horrible haunt of depravity.

Poulard (the Proprietor, to bearded customer). Yes, Sir?

L.-B. Customer. H'sh! (Removes portion of beard.) I am Inspector Heidegg!

Poulard. Fried egg?

Inspector (annoyed). Heidegg. (Replaces beard.) A gang of desperate desperados, headed by the ruffianly ruffian whom they call The Baron, will be here to-night. I shall be hiding under the counter. Ten men and two dachshunds surround the house. If you betray me your licence will not be worth a moment's purchase.

[He dives under the counter. Poulard, rather upset, goes out and kicks the waiter.

Enter the gang of desperados, male and female. A scene of horrible debauchery ensues.

Charlier (revelling recklessly). Small lemonade, waiter.

Picard (with abandoned gaiety). A dry biscuit and a glass of milk.

Jacquot (letting himself go). Dash, bother, hang, bust!

Picard (to Merlin). Why don't you revel?

Merlin (giving Suzanne a nudge). What-ho!

[Relapses into silence again.

Picard (gaily). A song! a song!

Charlier (in an agonised whisper). You fool, none of us can sing!

Picard. What about the girl who sang the recruiting song before the play began? Isn't she behind the scenes still? (Cracking his biscuit.) Well, let's have a dance anyway. We must make the thing go. Waiter, another glass of milk.

Enter Judge Hallers in scowl and muffler.

Charlie (enthusiastically). Ha! The Baron!

Hallers. I mean business to-night, boys. Look at this! (He produces a dagger and a pistol.)

Charlier. What a man!

[He throws away his pea-shooter in disgust. Jacquot, who has just begun to strop a fish-knife, realizes that he has been outdone in devilry, and gives it back to the waiter. Picard replaces his knotted handkerchief.

Hallers. Yes, boys, I've got a crib for you to crack to-night. It's Judge Hallers' house. (A loud bumping noise is heard from the direction of the counter.) What's that?

It is Inspector Heidegg. (Raising his head incautiously, in order to catch his first sight of the notorious Baron, he has struck the top of his skull against the counter and is now lying stunned.)

All. A spy!

Hallers. Bring him out... Ha! Who is he? Is that his own beard or Clarkson's?

Charlier. It's a police inspector in a false beard!

Mr. Bourchier (contemptuously). A real artist would have grown a beard. (Producing his knife.) He must die.

(There is a loud noise without.)

Noise without. Open! Bang-bang. Open! Bow-wow, bow-wow.

[It is the police and the two dachshunds.

Hallers. Quick! The trap-door

[They escape as the dachshunds enter.

Last Act.

Scene: Next morning at Judge Hallers.

Dr. Ferrier. Good morning, Judge. I've come with that other thermometer. I have ventured to tie a piece of string to it, so that in case the—er—temperature goes down again——— But what's happened here? You seem all upset.

Hallers. Burglary. I dropped asleep at my desk here last night, and when I wake up I find that a criminal called The Baron and two accomplices have burgled my house. The Baron escaped, but Heidegg caught the others.

Ferrier. Extraordinary thing. What theatres have you been to lately?

Hallers. Only the Garrick. (Enter Heidegg.) Well, anything fresh to report, Inspector?

Heidegg. Yes, Judge. The prisoners say that you are The Baron. But they say you had a muffler on last night. That might account for our dachshunds missing the scent.

Hallers. Good heavens, what do you make of this, Doctor?

Ferrier (picking up programme). Cases showing prevalence of this mental disorder———

Hallers. You mean I am a dual personality! (Covers his face with his hands.)

Ferrier. Come, come, control yourself.

Hallers (calmly). It is all right; I am my own man—I mean my own two men again. What shall I do?

Ferrier. You must wrestle with your second self. I will hypnotise you. (He glares at him.)

Hallers (after a long pause). Well, why don't you begin?

Ferrier. You ass, I'm doing it all the time. This is the latest way... There! Now then, wrestle!

[A terrible struggle ensues. After what seems about half an hour the Judge, panting heavily, gets The Baron metaphorically down on the mat, and———

Ferrier. Time! (Replacing his watch.) That will do for to-day. But continue the treatment every morning—say for half an hour before the bath. Good day to you.

Hallers. Wait a moment; you can't go like this. We must have a proper curtain. Ah, here's my fiancée. Would you——— Thank you!

[The Doctor leads her to the Judge, who embraces her.

Curtain.

A. A. M.

 

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