Punch/Volume 147/Issue 3828/The Docthor's War Speech
Martin Cassidy told it to me. He was there, and he saw the boys form fours when they marched to the station the next day. There were seventeen of them, and he said he'd never forget it.
"'Twas the Docthor's war speech that did ut," said Martin. "He had thim all in Micky's shebeen—sure they'd have been there annyhow—and the Docthor had volunteeerd himself; why not?
"Yes, the women and childer were admitted. Wouldn't they be wantin' to know the way of it? Av coorse.
"You'd not keep them out annyway. 'This the whole of Ballymurky that was there that night.
"'Twas an o-ration the Docthor gave thim. Ye could have heard a pin drip. Isn't it mesilf that would be away there now, if they'd let me? Didn't Patsy Doolan have to sit on me head to keep me from gettin' into the thrain with thim?
"'Sure the King knows ye've been drawin' the ould-age pension this two years,' sez he. 'Won't he have it down in his note-book?' sez he; 'and you wanten to pass for thirty. Gwan,' sez he,"
Old Martin applied a piece of glowing turf to his pipe and sucked audibly before continuing.
"Don't I remimber ivery wurrd the Docthor shpoke," said Martin slowly—"och, the way he had with him.
"'The Kaiser is it?' sez he. 'What would ye be askin' for betther?' sez he. ''Tis this way and that way wid the Kaiser,' sez he, 'and he'll not be aisy till he's wiped Ballymurky off the map, so he would. And the German Emperor is as bad,' sez he. 'It's Bairrlin or Ballymurky, boys, so it is,' sez he; 'just that.
"'Is ut have the Germans over here in Ballymurky ye would?' sez he. 'Sure 'tis not butthermilk and praties they'd be contint with, Doolan, me boy,' sez he; 'faith 'tis your pig they'd be afther atin. And 'tis not you the Kaiser would be decoratin' with an iron cross; 'tis more like a lick of his shtick ye'd be afther getting, Doolan—and the thrubble ye've taken with the rarin' of the crayther. Och, ye could nivver look the pig in the face again if ye shtayed.'"
Martin subsided a while to show me Doolan's pig, which was taking the air outside. "And that," he remarked, "is corrosive ividence of what I'm tellin' ye." The pig grunted his compliments, and Martin continued.
"'Wait till I tell ye what they did at Louvain,' sez the Doc. 'Whist now, till ye hear this,' sez he.
"'Och, 'twas black murther they did there, the villians! The currse of Crummle seize thim,' sez he. 'Arrah! hould yoursilf in, you there, Conlan,' sez he; 'go aisy, now,' sez he; 'sure they'll do worse here. 'Tis not satisfied with Louvain they'll be, Shamus; 'tis knockin' your cabin about your ears ye'll have them—and what will hersilf say to that?' sez he; 'sure, 'twill be the best vintilated cabin in Ireland, so it will.'
"'Is ut the German Emperor ye would have sittin' shmokin' his pipe in your cabin and fryin' sausages in your best pan, without so much as by your lave, and you waitin' on him, Mrs. Murphy?'
"'Sure, ye know it is not, Docthor dear,' sez she.
"'Drivin up and down the street in your side-car he'd be, Patsy Burrke, him and his ginerals, till your horse dropped dead on him, and divil a bit he'd care.
"I'm lookin' at you there, Larry,' sez the Docthor. 'Tis waitin' for Molly to say the wurrd ye are, Larry, me boy: but sure 'tis yourself that'll say the wurrd now. Och, 'tis fallin' over herself Molly will be to see ye in your rigimintals.
"'Ballymurky, is ut? Arrah ye'll not know Ballymurky afther the Kaiser has done with it. Isn't it changing the name of the dear old place that he'll be afther?
"'First-class he'd be thravellin', no less, with the boots of him on the sate, and him without a ticket; and 'tis Rothenberg would be the name on the station, bad cess to him!
"'Rothenberg! d'ye hear that, Casey? And you a railway porther. Isn't Kitchener an Irishman, good luck to him, and isn't he lookin' for ye all to go? Isn't the Tsar of Russia himself goin' to Berlin, and won't he be lookin' for ye there, Micky? What'll he think if ye are not there to meet him? "So Micky didn't come," he'll say; "what's come over him?" he'll say. "Sure he's not the boy I thought he was," he'll say. Just that. And you there, Micky, ye divil, all the time. Ye'd have the laugh on him thin, Micky, so ye would.
"'"Begorra!" he'll say, looking round, "sure the whole of Ballymurky's here." And why not? Bedad 'tis not the first time that Ballymurky's been on the spree.
"'The Kaiser is ut, boys,' sez the Docthor. 'Arrah have done with ye,' sez he. 'Sure there won't be anny Kaiser worth mintioning afther Ballymurky's finished wid him...'
"Be this and be that I'm thinkin' the same too," said Old Martin Cassidy, as he relighted his pipe.