Punch/Volume 147/Issue 3832/Mails for a Mailed Fist
[The rumours of an invasion of this country, which have been prevalent during the last few days, are presumably responsible for these letters addressed to the Kaiser, which have been intercepted.]
Kind Sir,—Should your troops land in this neighbourhood, would you please ask them not to fire off guns between 3 and 4 p.m., as during that hour I have my afternoon rest, and I do not sleep very well.
Yours truly,
Wilhelmina Timmins.
Sir,—Hearing that you are thinking of sending over an army, we have formed a small Reception Committee to provide for its comfort, and knowing how concerned you are for the welfare of your troops we think you will be glad to learn that complete arrangements have been made for conveying them to, and accommodating them at, a salubrious spot called Tipperary, immediately on their arrival.
(Signed) J. Pusher, Secretary, Eastern and Home Counties Resorts Association.
Professor Burgess-Brown, the well-known swimming expert, presents his compliments. He would be pleased to call at Kiel Harbour (or other appointed place) in order to teach the art of natation to German soldiers who may, after arrival in England, suddenly find themselves deprived of their troopships when wishing to return.
Dear Sir,—We hear that a number of your friends are coming to England, and shall accordingly welcome an enquiry for our advice, which is always at the disposal of the travelling public. We do not know whether you propose personally to come over, but we should certainly recommend this course, as by travelling via and English port you could get a boat direct to St. Helena and thus save the wearisome changing to which you might be exposed in sailing from the Continent.
Yours obediently,
The World Tours, Limited.
Dear Sir,—I don't think there is much use in your troops landing. In this county alone there are two hundred and ninety-five more scouts than there were in August, and they are still coming in. Of course come if you like, but don't say I didn't warn you.
Yours,
T. Smith, Patrol Leader.
Sir,—Hearing that your troops are thinking of visiting the above town, we should be glad to take you, in small or large groups. We understand that your excursion will be only a half-day one, but we have facilities for the immediate development of negatives.
Yours obediently,
George Gelatine Jones.
Warning! To the Kaiser.
From the Huntsman of the Bungay Foxhounds.
Send your men over if you like. Let them turn their guns on all our ancient buildings, destroy crops, blow up bridges; but mind, if one of your Huns raises a rifle to any Norfolk or Suffolk fox, there will be trouble of a serious kind.