The Hind and Panther Transvers'd to the Story of the Country-Mouse and the City-Mouse/Dialogue
THE
HIND
AND THE
PANTHER,
Transvers'd to the Story of the Country
and the City-Mouse.
Bayes. Johnson. Smith.
Johnson.HAH! my old friend Mr. Bayes, What lucky Chance has thrown me upon you? Dear Rogue let me embrace thee.
Bayes, Hold, at your Peril, Sir, stand off, and come not within my Sword's Point: For if you are not come over to the Royal party, Pref. p. 1.I expect neither fair war, nor fair quarter from you.
Johns.How, draw upon your Friend, and assault your old Acquaintance? O' my Conscience, my intentions were Honourable.
Bayes.Conscience! Ay, ay, I know the Deceit of that Word well enough:Pref. ib. Let me have the Marks of your Conscience before I trust it; for if it be not of the same stamp with mine, Gad I may be knockt down for all your fair promises.
Smith.Nay, prithee Bayes, what damn'd Villany hast thou been about, that thou'rt under these Apprehensions? Upon my Honour I'm thy Friend; yet thou lookest as sneaking and frighted as a Dog that has been worrying Sheep.
Pref. ib.Bayes,Ay Sir, The Nation is in too high a Ferment for me to expect any Mercy, or I'gad, to trust any Body.
Smith.But why this to us, my Old Friend, who you know never trouble our Heads with National Concerns, till the third Bottle has taught us as much of Politicks as the next does of Religion?
Bayes.Ah! Gentlemen, leave this Prophaneness, I am alter'd since you saw me, and cannot bear this loose Talk now; Mr. Johnson, you are a Man of Parts, let me desire you to read the Guide of Controversy; and Mr. Smith, I would recommend to you the Considerations on the Council of Trent,Page 5. and so Gentlemen your humble Servant.—Good life be now my Task.
Johns.Nay, Faith, we won't part so: Believe us, we are both your Friends; let us step to the Rose for one quarter of an Hour, and talk over old Stories.
Bayes.I ever took you to be Men of Honour, and for your sakes I will transgress as far as one Pint.
Johns.Well, Mr. Bayes, many a merry Bout have we had in this House, and shall have again, I hope: Come, what Wine are you for?
Bayes.Gentlemen, do you as you please, for my part he shall bring me a single Pint of any thing.
Smith.How so, Mr. Bayes, have you lost your Pallat? you have been more curious.
Bayes.True, I have so; but Senses must be starv'd, that the Soul may be gratified.Page 21. Men of your Kidney make the Senses the supream Judge, and therefore bribe 'em high, but we have laid both the Use and Pleasure of 'em aside.
Smith.What, is not there good Eating and Drinking on both sides? You make the Separation greater than I thought it.
Bayes.No, no, whenever you see a Fat Rosie-colour'd Fellow,Ibid. take it from me, he is either a Protestant or a Turk.
Johns.At that rate, Mr. Bayes, one might suspect your Conversion; methinks thou hast as much the Face of an Heretick as ever I saw.
Bayes.Such was I, such by Nature still I am. Pag. 5.But I hope e'er long I shall have drawn this pamper'd Paunch fitter for the straight Gate.
Smith.Sure, Sir, you are in ill hands, your Confessor gives you more severe Rules than he practices; for not long ago a Fat Friar was thought a true Character.
Bayes.Things were misrepresented to me: I confess I have been unfortunate in some of my Writings: but since you have put me upon that Subject, I'll show you a thing I have in my Pocket shall wipe off all that, or I am mistaken.
Smith.Come, now thou art like thy self again. Here's the King's Health to thee—Communicate.
Bayes.Well, Gentlemen, here it is, and I'll be bold to say, the exactest Piece the World ever saw, a Non Pareillo I'faith. But I must bespeak your Pardons if it reflects any thing upon your Perswasion.
Johns.Use your Liberty, Sir, you know we are no Bigots.
Bayes.Why then you shall see me lay the Reformation on its Back, I'gad, and justifie our Religion by way of Fable.
Johns.An apt Contrivance indeed! What do you make a Fable of your Religion?
Bayes.Ay I'gad, and without Morals too; for I tread in no Man's Steps; and to show you how far I can out-do any thing that ever was writ in this kind, I have taken Horace's Design, but I'gad, have so out-done him, you shall be asham'd for your Old Friend. You remember in him the Story of the Country Mouse, and the City-Mouse; what a plain simple thing it is, it has no more Life and Spirit in it, I'gad, than a Hobby-horse; and his Mice talk so meanly, such common stuff, so like meer Mice, that I wonder it has pleas'd the World so long. But now will I undeceive Mankind, and teach 'em to heighten, and elevate a Fable. I'll bring you in the very same Mice disputing the Depth of Philosophy, searching into the Fundamentals of Religion, quoting Texts, Fathers, Councils, and all that, I'gad, as you shall see either of 'em could easily make an Ass of a Country Vicar. Now whereas Horace keeps to the dry naked History, I have more Copiousness than to do that, I'gad. Here, I draw you general Characters, and describe all the Beasts of the Creation; there, I launch out into long Digressions, and leave my Mice for twenty Pages together; then I fall into Raptures, and make the finest Soliloquies, as would ravish you. Won't this do, think you?
Johns.Faith, Sir, I don't well conceive you; all this about two Mice?
Bayes.Ay, why not? is it not great and Heroical? But come, you'll understand it better when you hear it; and pray be as severe as you can, I'gad I defie all Criticks. Thus it begins:
Pag. i.Fed on soft Cheese, and o'er the Dairy rang'd;
Without, unspotted; innocent within,
She fear'd no danger, for she knew no Ginn.
Johns.Methinks Mr. Bayes, soft Cheese is a little too coarse Diet for an immortal Mouse; were there any necessity for her eating, you should have consulted Homer for some Cœlestial Provision.
Bayes.Faith, Gentlemen, I did so; but indeed I have not the Latin one, which I have mark'd by me, and could not readily find it in the Original.
Yet had She oft been scar'd by bloody ClawsPag. 1.
Of winged Owls, and stern Grimalkins Paws
Aim'd at her destin'd Head, which made her fly,Pag. 2.
Tho' She was doom'd to Death, and fated not to dye.
Smith.How came She that fear'd no Danger in the Line before, to be scar'd in this, Mr. Bayes?
Bayes.Why then you may have it chas'd if you will; for I hope a Man may run away without being afraid, mayn't he?
Johns.But pray give me leave; how was She doom'd to Death, if She was fated not to die; are not Doom and Fate, much the same thing?
Bayes.Nay Gentlemen, if you question my Skill in the Language, I'm your humble Servant; the Rogues the Criticks, that will allow me nothing else, give me that; sure I that made the Word, know best what I meant by it: I assure you, doom'd and fated, are quite different things.
Smith.Faith, Mr. Bayes, if you were doom'd to be hang'd, whatever you were fated to, 'twould give you but small Comfort.
Bayes.Never trouble your head with that, Mr. Smith, mind the Business in hand.
Not so her young; their Linsy-woolsy Line,Pag. 2.
Was Hero's make, half humane, half Divine.
Smith.Certainly these Hero's, half Humane, half Divine, have very little of the Mouse their Mother.
Bayes.Gadsokers! Mr. Johnson, does your Friend think I mean nothing but a Mouse by all this? I tell thee, Man, I mean a Church, and these young Gentlemen her Sons, signifie Priests, Martyrs and Confessors, that were hang'd in Oats's Plot. There's an excellent Latin Sentence, which I had a mind to bring in, Sanguis Martyrum semen Ecclesiæ, and I think I have not wrong'd it in the Translation.
Of these a slaughter'd Army lay in Blood,
Pag. 2.Whose sanguine Seed encreas'd the sacred Brood;
She multipli'd by these, now rang'd alone,
Pag. 3.And wander'd in the Kingdoms once her own.
Smith.Was She alone when the sacred Brood was encreased?
Bayes.Why thy Head's running on the Mouse again; but I hope a Church may be alone, tho' the Members be encreased, mayn't it?
Johns.Certainly Mr. Bayes, a Church which is a diffusive Body of Men, can much less be said to be alone.
Bayes.But are you really of that Opinion? Take it from me, Mr. Johnson, you are wrong; however to oblige you, I'll clap in some Simile or other, about the Children of Israel, and it shall do.
Smith.Will you pardon me one Word more, Mr. Bayes? What could the Mouse (for I suppose you mean her now) do more than range in the Kingdoms, when they were her own?
Bayes.Do! Why She reign'd; had a Diadem, Scepter and Ball, till they depos'd her.
Smith.Now her Sons are so encreas'd, She may try t'other pull for't.
Bayes.I'gad, and so She may before I have done with Her; it has cost me some pains to clear Her Title. Well, but Mum for that, Mr. Smith.
Pag. 3.For they made tame, disdain'd Her company;
They grin'd, She in a fright tript o're the Green,
For She was lov'd, where-ever She was seen.
Johns.Well said little Bayes, I'faith the Critick must have a great deal of leisure, that attacks those Verses.
Bayes.I'gad, I'll warrant him, whoe're he is, offendet solido; but I go on.
The Independent Beast.———
Smith.Who is that Mr. Bayes?
Bayes.Why a Bear: Pox, is not that obvious enough?
———In groans Her hate exprest.
Which I'gad, is very natural to that Animal. Well! there's for the Independent: Now the Quaker; what do you think I call him?
Smith.Why, A Bull, for ought I know.
Bayes.A Bull! O Lord! A Bull! no, no, a Hare, a quaking Hare. ——— Armarillis, because She wears Armour, 'tis the same Figure; and I am proud to say it, Mr. Johnson, no Man knows how to pun in Heroics but my self. Well, you shall hear.
She thought, and reason good, the quaking Hare
Her cruel Foe, because She would not swear, Pag. 3.
And had profess'd neutrality.
Johns.A shrewd Reason that, Mr. Bayes; but what Wars were there?
Bayes.Wars! why there had been bloody Wars, tho' they were pretty well reconcil'd now. Yet to bring in two or three such fine things as these, I do'nt tell you the Lyon's Peace was proclaim'd till fifty Pages after, tho' 'twas really done before I had finish'd my Poem.
Next Her, the Buffoon Ape his body bent, Pag. 3.
And paid at Church a Courtier's complement.
That Gauls somewhere; I'gad I can't leave it off, tho' I were cudgel'd every Day for it.
Pag. 4.The brisl'd Baptist Boar, impure as he.
Smith.As who?
Bayes.As the Courtier, let 'em e'en take it as they will, I'gad, I seldom come amongst 'em.
Pag. 10.The Wolf with Belly-gaunt his rough Crest rears,
And pricks up. ——— Now, in one Word, will I abuse the whole Party most damnably ——— and pricks up. ——— I'gad, I am sure you'll Laugh ——— his predestinating Ears. Prethee Mr. Johnson, remember little Bayes, when next you see a Presbyterian, and take notice if he has not Predestination in the Shape of his Ear: I have studied Men so long. I'll undertake to know an Arminian, by the setting of his Wig.
His predestinating Ears. I'gad, there's ne'er a Presbyterian shall dare to show his Head without a Border: I'll put 'em to that Expence.
Smith.Pray Mr. Bayes, if any of 'em should come over to the Royal Party, would their Ears alter?
Bayes.Would they? Ay, I'gad, they would shed their Fanatical Lugs, and have just such well-turn'd Ears as I have; mind this Ear, this is a true Roman Ear, mine are much chang'd for the better within this two Years.
Smith.Then if ever the Party should chance to fail, you might lose 'em, for what may change, may fall.
Bayes.Mind, mind Pag. 11.These fiery Zuinglius, meagre Calvin bred.
Smith.Those, I suppose, are some Out-Landish Beasts, Mr. Bayes.
Bayes.Beasts; a good Mistake! Why they were the chief Reformers, but here I put 'em in so bad Company because they were Enemies to my Mouse, and anon when I am warm'd, I'gad you shall hear me call 'em Doctors, Captains, Horses and Horsemen in the very same Breath.Pag. 35. You shall hear how I go on now,
Pag. 11.When opening Earth made way for all to pass.
Johns.For all, Mr. Bayes?
Bayes.Yes, They were all lost there, but some of 'em were thrown up again at the Leman-Lake: as a Catholick Queen sunk at Charing-Cross, and rose again at Queenhithe.
Pag. 11.If ever they were stow'd in Noah's Ark.
Here I put a Quære, Whether there were any Socinians before the Flood, which I'm not very well satisfied in? I have been lately apt to believe that the World was drown'd for that Heresy; which among Friends made me leave it.
Pag. 12.In Fenny Holland, and in Fruitful Tweed.
Now to write something new and out of the way, to elevate and surprize, and all that, I fetch, you see this Quickning Fire from the Bottom of Bogs and Rivers.
Johns.Why, Faith, that's as ingenious a Contrivance as the Virtuoso's making a Burning-Glass of Ice.
Bayes.Why was there ever any such thing? Let me perish if ever I heard of it. The Fancy was sheer new to me; and I thought no Man had reconcil'd those Elements but my self. Well Gentlemen! Thus far I have followed Antiquity, and as Homer has numbred his Ships, so I have rang'd my Beasts. Here is my Boar and my Bear, and my Fox, and my Wolf, and the rest of 'em all against my poor Mouse. Now what do you think I do with all these?
Smith.Faith I don't know, I suppose you make 'em fight.
Bayes.Fight! I'gad I'd as soon make 'em Dance. No, I do no earthly thing with 'em, nothing at all, I'gad: I think they have play'd their Parts sufficiently already; I have walk'd 'em out, show'd 'em to the Company, and rais'd your Expectation. And now whilst you hope to see 'em bated, and are dreaming of Blood and Battels, they sculk off, and you hear no more of 'em.
Smith.Why, Faith, Mr. Bayes, now you have been at such Expence in setting forth their Characters, it had been too much to have gone through with 'em.
Bayes.I'gad so it had: And then I'll tell you another thing, 'tis not every one that reads a Poem through. And therefore I fill the first part with Flowers, Figures, fine Language, and all that; and then I'gad sink by degrees, till at last I write but little better than other People. And whereas most Authors creep servilely after the Old Fellows, and strive to grow upon their Readers; I take another Course, I bring in all my Characters together, and let 'em see I could go on with 'em; but I'gad, I won't.
Johns.Could go on with 'em Mr. Bayes! there's no Body doubts that; You have a most particular Genius that way.
Bayes.Oh! Dear Sir, You are mighty obliging: But I must needs say at a Fable or an Emblem I think no Man comes near me, indeed I have studied it more than any Man. Did you ever take notice, Mr. Johnson, of a little thing that has taken mightily about Town, a Cat with a Top-knot?
Johns.Faith, Sir, 'tis mighty pretty, I saw it at the Coffee-House.
Bayes.'Tis a Trifle hardly worth owning; I was t'other Day at Will's throwing out something of that Nature; and I'gad, the hint was taken, and out came that Picture; indeed the poor Fellow was so civil to present me with a dozen of 'em for my Friends, I think I have one here in my Pocket; would you please to accept it Mr Johnson?
Johns.Really 'tis very ingenious.
Bayes.Oh Lord! Nothing at all, I could design twenty of 'em in an Hour, if I had but witty Fellows about me to draw 'em. I was proffer'd a Pension to go into Holland, and contrive their Emblems. But hang 'em, they are dull Rogues, and would spoil my Invention. But come, Gentlemen, let us return to our Business, and here I'll give you a delicate Description of a Man.
Smith.But how does that come in?
Bayes.Come in? very naturally. I was talking of a Wolf and that supposes a Wood, and then I clap an Epithet to't, and call it a Celtic Wood: Now when I was there, I could not help thinking of the French Persecution, and I'gad from all these Thoughts I took occasion to rail at the French King, and show that he was not of the same make with other Men, which thus I prove.
The Divine Blacksmith in th' Abyss of Light,Pag. 15.
Yawning and lolling with a careless beat,
Struck out the mute Creation at a Heat.
But he work'd hard to Hammer out our Souls,
He blew the Bellows, and stir'd up the Coals;
Long time he thought and could not on a sudden
Knead up with unskim'd Milk this Reas'ning Pudding:Pag. 16.
Tender, and mild within its Bag it lay
Confessing still the softness of its Clay,
And kind as Milk-Maids on their Wedding-Day.
Till Pride of Empire, Lust, and hot Desire
Did over-boil him, like too great a Fire,
And understanding grown, misunderstood,
Burn'd Him to th' Pot, and sour'd his curdled Blood.
Johns.But sure this is a little prophane, Mr. Bayes.
Bayes.Not at all: Do's not Virgil bring in his God Vulcan working at the Anvil?
Johns.Ay Sir, but never thought his Hands the fittest to make a Pudding.
Bayes.Why do you imagine Him an Earthly dirty Blacksmith? 'Gad you make it prophane indeed. I'll tell you there's as much difference betwixt 'em, I'gad, as betwixt my Man and Milton's. But now, Gentlemen, the Plot thickens, here comes my t'other Mouse, the City Mouse.
Page 19.A spotted Mouse, the prettiest next the White,
Ah! were her Spots wash'd out, as pretty quite,
Pag. 23.With Phylacteries on her Forehead spread,
Pag. 22.Crozier in Hand, and Mitre on her Head.
Three Steeples Argent on her Sable Shield,Pag. 84.
Liv'd in the City, and disdain'd the Field.
Johns.This is a glorious Mouse indeed! but, as you have dress'd her, we don't know whether she be Jew, Papist or Protestant.
Bayes.Let me embrace you, Mr. Johnson, for that; you take it right. She is a meer Babel of Religions, and therefore she's a spotted Mouse here, and will be a Mule presently. But to go on.
This Princess ———
Smith.What Princess, Mr. Bayes?
Bayes.Why this Mouse, for I forgot to tell you, an Old Lyon made a Left Hand Marriage with her Mother,Pag. 20. and begot on her Body Elizabeth Schism, who was married to Timothy Sacriledg, and had Issue Graceless Heresy. Who all give the same Coat with their Mother, Three Steeples Argent, as I told you before.
Was least Deform'd, because Reform'd the least.
There's De and Re as good I'gad as ever was.
Pag. 22.Mistook the Bliss of Heaven for Bacchinals above,
And grub'd the Thorns beneath our tender Feet,
To make the Paths of Paradise more sweet.
There's a Jolly Mouse for you, let me see any Body else that can shew you such another. Here now have I one damnable severe reflecting Line, but I want a Rhime to it, can you help me Mr. Johnson.
Humbly content to be despis'd at Home,
Johns.Which is too narrow Infamy for some.
Bayes.Sir, I thank you, now I can go on with it.
Pag. 63.Where Winds can carry, and where Waves can rowl.
Johns.But does not this reflect upon some of your Friends, Mr. Bayes?
Bayes.'Tis no matter for that, let me alone to bring my self off. I'll tell you, lately I writ a damn'd Libel on a whole Party, sheer Point and Satyr all through, I'gad. Call'd 'em Rogues, Dogs, and all the Names I could think of, but with an exceeding deal of Wit; that I must needs say. Now it happen'd before I could finish this Piece, the Scheme of Affairs was altered, and those People were no longer Beasts: Here was a Plunge now: Should I lose my Labour, or Libel my Friend? 'Tis not every Body's Talent to find a Salvo for this: But what do I but write a smooth delicate Preface, wherein I tell them that the Satyr was not intended to them, and this did the Business.
Smith.But if it was not intended to them against whom it was writ, certainly it had no meaning at all.
Bayes.Poh! There's the Trick on't. Poor Fools, they took it, and were satisfied: And yet it maul'd 'em damnably I'gad.
Smith.Why Faith, Mr. Bayes, there's this very Contrivance in the Preface to Dear Joys Jests.
Bayes.What a Devil, do you think that I'd steal from such an Author? Or ever read it?
Smith.I can't tell, but you sometimes read as bad. I have heard you quote Reynard the Fox.
Bayes.Why there's it now; take it from me, Mr. Smith, there is as good Morality, and as sound Precepts, in the Delectable History of Reynard the Fox, as in any Book I know, except Seneca. Pray tell me where in any other Author could I have found so pretty a Name for a Wolf as Isgrim? But prithee, Mr. Smith, give me no more trouble, and let me go on with my Mouse.
Pag. 29.Levee's and Couchee's past without resort.
There's Court Language for you; nothing gives a Verse so fine a turn as an Air of good Breeding.
Smith.But methinks the Levee's and Couchee's of a Mouse are too great, especially when she is walking from Court to the cooler Shades.
Bayes.I'gad now have you forgot what I told you that she was a Princess. But pray mind; here the two Mice meet.
Pag. 16.Beheld from far the common watering Place,
Nor durst approach
Smith.Methinks, Mr. Bayes, this Mouse is strangely alter'd, since she fear'd no Danger.
Bayes.Godsokers! Why no more she does not yet fear either Man or Beast: But, poor Creature, she's afraid of the Water, for she could not swim, as you see by this.
Pag. 30.The Soveraign Lyon had her fear no more.
But besides, 'tis above thirty Pages off that I told you she fear'd no Danger; and I'gad if you will have no Variation of the Character, you must have the same thing over and over again; 'tis the Beauty of Writing to strike you still with something new. Well, but to proceed.
Pag. 30.Good Lord, how she admir'd her Heavenly Hiew!
Here now to show you I am Master of all Stiles, I let my self down from the Majesty of Virgil, to the Sweetness of Ovid.
Good Lord, how she admir'd her Heavenly Hiew! What more easie and familiar! I writ this Line for the Ladies: The little Rogues will be so fond of me to find I can yet be so tender. I hate such a rough unhewen Fellow as Milton, that a Man must sweat to read Him; I'gad you may run over this and be almost asleep.
So far to see Her, did invite her Home.
There's a pretty Name now for the Spotted Mouse, the Viceroy!
Smith.But pray why d'e call her so?
Bayes.Why! Because it sounds prettily: I'll call her the Crown-General Pag. 55.presently if I've a mind to it. Well.
Pag. 31.To smoak a Pipe, and o're a sober Pot
Discourse of Oates and Bedloe, and the Plot.
She made a Court'sy, like a Civil Dame,
And, being much a Gentlewoman, came.
Well, Gentlemen, here's my first part finish'd, and I think I have kept my Word with you, and given it the Majestick turn of Heroick Poesy. The rest being matter of Dispute, I had not such frequent occasion for the Magnificence of Verse, tho' I'gad they speak very well. And I have heard Men, and considerable Men too, talk the very same things, a great deal worse.
Johns.Nay, without doubt, Mr. Bayes, they have received no small advantage from the smoothness of your Numbers.
Bayes.Ay, ay, I can do't, if I list: though you must not think I have been so dull as to mind these things my self, but 'tis the advantage of our Coffee-house, that from their Talk one may write a very good Polemical Discourse, without ever troubling one's Head with the Books of Controversie. For I can take the slightest of their Arguments, and clap 'em pertly into four Verses, which shall stare any London Divine in the Face. Indeed your knotty Reasonings with a long Train of Majors and Minors, and the Devil and all, are too barbarous for my Stile; but I'gad, I can flourish better with one of these twinkling Arguments, than the best of 'em can fight with t'other. But we return to our Mouse, and now I've brought 'em together, let 'em 'en speak for themselves, which they will do extreamly well, or I'm mistaken: and pray observe, Gentlemen, if in one you don't find all the Delicacy of a luxurious City-Mouse, and in the other all the plain simplicity of a sober serious Matron.
Pag. 32.Methinks your Tiff is sour, your Cates meer stuff.
There, did not I tell you she'd be nice?
And the Weed worse than e're Tom. I———s took.
Smith.I did not hear she had a Spotted Muff before.
Bayes.Why no more she has not now: but she has a Skin that might make a Spotted Muff. There's a pretty Figure now unknown to the Ancients. † Poeta Loquitur.And eat with me at Groleau's, smoak at Will's.
What Wretch would nibble on a Hanging-shelf,
When at Pontack's he may Regale himself?
Or to the House of cleanly Renish go;
Or that at Charing-Cross, or that in Channel-Row?
Do you mark me now? I would by this represent the Vanity of a Town-Fop, who pretends to be acquainted at all those good Houses, though perhaps he ne'er was in 'em. But heark! she goes on.
Champain our Liquor, and Ragousts our Meat.
Then hand in hand we'll go to Court, dear Cuz,
To visit Bishop Martin, and King Buz.
With Evening Wheels we'll drive about the Park,
Finish at Locket's, and reel home i'th' Dark.
Break clattering Windows, and demolish Doors
Of English Manufactures———Pimps, and Whores!
Johns.Methinks a Pimp or a Whore, is an odd sort of a Manufacture, Mr. Bayes.
Bayes.I call 'em so, to give the Parliament a hint not to suffer so many of 'em to be exported, to the decay of Trade at home.
From Hermits Cell, the Female Proselyte.
Oh! with what ease we follow such a Guide,
Where Souls are starv'd, and Senses gratifi'd.
Now would not you think she's going? but I'gad, you're mistaken; you shall hear a long Argument about Infallibility, before she stirs yet.
† Poeta Loquitur.And eat with me at Groleau's, smoak at Will's.
What Wretch would nibble on a Hanging-shelf,
When at Pontack's he may Regale himself?
Or to the House of cleanly Renish go;
Or that at Charing-Cross, or that in Channel-Row?
Do you mark me now? I would by this represent the Vanity of a Town-Fop, who pretends to be acquainted at all those good Houses, though perhaps he ne'er was in 'em. But heark! she goes on.
Champain our Liquor, and Ragousts our Meat.
Then hand in hand we'll go to Court, dear Cuz,
To visit Bishop Martin, and King Buz.
With Evening Wheels we'll drive about the Park,
Finish at Locket's, and reel home i'th' Dark.
Break clattering Windows, and demolish Doors
Of English Manufactures———Pimps, and Whores!
Johns.Methinks a Pimp or a Whore, is an odd sort of a Manufacture, Mr. Bayes.
Bayes.I call 'em so, to give the Parliament a hint not to suffer so many of 'em to be exported, to the decay of Trade at home.
From Hermits Cell, the Female Proselyte.
Oh! with what ease we follow such a Guide,
Where Souls are starv'd, and Senses gratifi'd.
Now would not you think she's going? but I'gad, you're mistaken; you shall hear a long Argument about Infallibility, before she stirs yet.
Bayes.Every Jot, I'gad, or rather better. Well, she can do it two ways,Page. 37. either about Emission or Reception of Light, or else about Epsom-waters, but I think the last is most familiar; therefore speak, my pretty one.
As though 'tis controverted in the School,
If Waters pass by Urine or by Stool.
Shall we who are Philosophers, thence gather
From this Dissention that they work by neither.
And I'gad, she's in the right on't; but mind now, she comes upon her swop!
All this I did, your Arguments to try.
And I'gad, if they had been never so good, this next Line confutes 'em.
Pag. 24.Hear, and be dumb, thou Wretch, that Guide am I.
There's a Surprize for you now! How sneakingly t'other looks? Was not that pretty now, to make her ask for a Guide first, and then tell her she was one? Who could have thought that this little Mouse had the Pope and a whole General Council in her Belly? Now Dapple had nothing to say to this; and therefore you'll see she grows peevish.
Pag. 102.Come leave your Cracking Tricks, and as they say,
Use not, that Barber that trims time, delay
Which I'gad is new, and my own.
I've Eyes as well as you to find the way.
Then on they jogg'd, and since an Hour of Talk
Might cut a Banter on the tedious Walk;
As I remember said the sober Mouse,
I've heard much talk of the Wits Coffee-House.
Thither, says Brindle, thou shalt go, and see
Priests sipping Coffee, Sparks and Poets Tea;
Here rugged Freeze, there Quality well drest,
These baffling the Grand-Seigniour; those the Test.
And hear shrew'd Guesses made, and Reasons given,
Pag. 111.That humane Laws were never made in Heaven.
But above all, what shall oblige thy Sight,
And fill thy Eye-Balls with a vast Delight;
Is the Poetic Judge of sacred Wit,
Who do's i' th' Darkness of his Glory sit.
Pag. 28.And as the Moon who first receives the Light,
With which she makes these neither Regions bright;
So does he shine, reflecting from afar,
The Rays he borrow'd from a better Star:
For rules which from Corneille and Rapin flow,
Admir'd by all the scribling Herd below.
From French Tradition while he does dispence,
Unerring Truths, 'tis Schism, a damn'd Offence,
To question his, or trust your private Sense.
Hah! Is not that right, Mr. Johnson? Gad forgive me he is fast asleep! Oh the damn'd Stupidity of this Age! asleep! Well, Sir, Since you'r so drousy, your humble Servant.
Johns.Nay, Pray Mr. Bayes, Faith I heard you all the while. The White Mouse.
Bayes.The White Mouse! ay, ay, I thought how you heard me. Your Servant, Sir, your Servant.
Johns.Nay, Dear Bayes, Faith I beg thy Pardon, I was up late last Night, Prithee lend me a little Snuff, and go on.
Bayes.Go on! Pox, I don't know where I was, well I'll begin. Here, mind, now they are both come to Town.
But now at Peccadille they arrive,
And taking Coach, t'wards Temple-Bar they drive;
But at St. Clement's Church, eat out the Back;
And slipping through the Palsgrave, bilkt poor Hack.
There's the Utile which ought to be in all Poetry, Many a Young Templer will save his Shilling by this Stratagem of my Mice.
Smith.Why, will any Young Templer eat out the Back of a Coach?
Bayes.No, I'gad, but you'll grant it is mighty natural for a Mouse.
Thence to the Devil, and ask'd if Chanticleer,
Of Clergy kind, or Counsellour Chough was there; Pag. 133.
Or Mr. Dove, a Pigeon of Renown,
By his high Crop, and corny Gizzard known, Pag. 126.
Or Sister Partlet, with the Hooded Head;Pag. 130.
No, Sir. She's hooted hence, said Will, and fled.
Why so? Because she would not pray a-Bed.
Johns. aside.'Sdeath! Who can keep awake at such Stuff? Pray, Mr. Bayes, lend me your Box again.
Bayes.Mr. Johnson, How d'e like that Box? Pray take notice of it, 'twas given me by a Person of Honour for looking over a Paper of Verses; and indeed I put in all the Lines that were worth any thing in the whole Poem. Well, but where were we? Oh! Here they are, just going up Stairs into the Apollo; from whence my White takes occasion to talk very well of Tradition.
Thus to the place where Johnson sat we climb,
Leaning on the same Rail that guided him;
And whilst we thus on equal Helps rely,
Our Wit must be as true, our Thoughts as high.
Pag. 45.For as an Author happily compares
Tradition to a well-fixt pair of Stairs,
So this the Scala Sancta we believe,
By which his Traditive Genius we receive.
Thus every step I take my Spirits soar,
And I grow more a Wit, and more, and more.
There's Humour! Is not that the liveliest Image in the World of a Mouse's going up a pair of Stairs. More a Wit, and more and more?
Smith.Mr. Bayes, I beg your Pardon heartily, I must be rude, I have a particular Engagement at this time, and I see you are not near an end yet.
Bayes.Godsokers! Sure you won't serve me so: All my finest Descriptions and best Discourse is yet to come.
Smith.Troth, Sir, if 'twere not an Extraordinary concern I could not leave you.
Bayes.Well; but you shall take a little more, and here I'll pass over two dainty Episodes of Swallows, Swifts, Chickens, and Buzzards.
Johns.I know not why they should come in, except to make yours the longest Fable that ever was told.
Bayes.Why, the Excellence of a Fable is in the Length of it. Æsop indeed, like a Slave as he was, made little, short, simple Stories, with a dry Moral at the end of 'em; and could not form any Noble Design. But here I give you Fable upon Fable; and after you are satisfied with Beasts in the first Course, serve you up a delicate Dish of Fowl for the second; now I was at all this pains to abuse one particular Person; for I'gad I'll tell you what a Trick he serv'd me. I was once translating a very good French Author,Varillas. but being something long about it, as you know a Man is not always in the Humour; What does this Jack do, but puts out an Answer to my Friend before I had half finished the Translation: so there was three whole Months lost upon his Account. But, I think, I have my Revenge on him sufficiently, for I let all the World know, that he is a tall, broad back'd, lusty Fellow,Pag. 137. of a Brown Complexion, fair Behaviour, a Fluent Tongue, and taking amongst the Women; and to top it all that he's much a Scholar, more a Wit, and owns but two Sacraments. Don't you think this Fellow will hang himself? But besides, I have so nickt his Character in a Name as will make you split. I call him—I'gad I won't tell you unless you remember what I said of him.
Smith.Why, that he was much a Scholar, and more a Wit ———
Bayes.Right; and his name is Buzzard, ha! ha! ha.
Johns.Very proper indeed, Sir.
Bayes.Nay, I have a farther fetch in it yet than perhaps you imagine; for his true Name begins with a B, which makes me slily contrive him this, to begin with the same Letter: There's a pretty Device, Mr. Johnson; I learn'd it, I must needs confess, from that ingenious Sport, I love my Love with an A, because she's Amiable; and if you could but get a Knot of merry Fellows together, you should see how little Bayes would top 'em all at it, I'gad.
Smith.Well, but good Faith, Mr. Bayes, I must leave you, I am half an hour past my time.
Bayes.Well, I've done, I've done. Here are eight hundred Verses upon a rainy Night, and a Birds-Nest; and here's three hundred more, Translated from two Paris Gazettes, in which the Spotted Mouse gives an account of the Treaty of Peace between the Czars of Muscovy, and the Emperour, which is a piece of News. White does not believe, and this is her Answer. I am resolv'd you shall hear it, for in it I have taken occasion to prove Oral Tradition better than Scripture. Now you must know, 'tis sincerely my Opinion, that it had been better for the World, if we ne'er had any Bibles at all.
E'er that Gazette was printed, said the White,
Our Robin told another Story quite;
This Oral Truth more safely I believ'd,
My Ears cannot, your Eyes may be deceiv'd.
By word of Mouth unerring Maxims flow,
And Preaching's best, if understood, or no.
Pag. 3.Words I confess bound by, and trip so light,
We have not time to take a steady sight;
Yet fleeting thus are plainer than when writ,
To long Examination they submit.
Hard things———Mr. Smith, if these two Lines don't recompence your stay, ne'er trust John Bayes again.
Hard things at the first Blush are clear and full,
Pag. 15.God mends at second thoughts, but Man grows dull.
I'gad, I judge of all Men by my self, 'tis so with me, I never strove to be very exact in any thing but I spoil'd it.
Smith.But allowing your Character to be true, is it not a little too severe?
Bayes.'Tis no matter for that, these general Reflections are daring, and savour most of a Noble Genius, that spares neither Friend nor Foe.
Johns.Are you never afraid of a drubbing for that daring of your Noble Genius?
Bayes.Afraid! Why, Lord, you make so much of a Beating, I'gad 'tis no more to me than a Flea biting. No, No, if I can but be witty upon 'em, let 'em 'en lay on, I'faith, I'll ne'er baulk my Fancy to save my Carkass. Well, but we must dispatch, Mr. Smith.
Thus did they merrily carouse all day,
And like the gaudy Fly their Wings display;
And sip the Sweets, and bask in great Apollo's ray.
Well there's an end of the Entertainment; and Mr. Smith, if your Affairs would have permitted, you would have heard the best Bill of Fare that ever was serv'd up in Heroicks: But here follows a Dispute shall recommend it self, I'll say nothing for it. For Dapple, who you must know was a Protestant, all this while trusts her own Judgment, and foolishly dislikes the Wine; upon which our Innocent does so run her down, that she has not one word to say for her self, but what I put in her Mouth; and I'gad, you may imagine they won't be very good ones, for she has disoblig'd me, like an Ingrate.
Sirrah, says Brindle, Thou hast brought us Wine,
Sour to my Tast, and to my Eyes unfine.
Says Will, all Gentlemen like it, ah! says White,
What is approv'd by them must needs be right.
'Tis true, I thought it bad, but if the House Pag. 38.
Commend it, I submit, a private Mouse.
Mind that, mind the Decorum, and Defference, which our Mouse pays to the Company.
Nor to their Catholic Consent oppose
My erring Judgment, and reforming Nose.
Ah! ah! there she has nick't her, that's up to the Hilts, I'gad, and you shall see Dapple resents it.
Why, what a Devil shan't I trust my Eyes?
Must I drink Stum because the Rascal lyes?
And palms upon us Catholic Consent,
To give sophisticated Brewings vent.
Pag. 5.Says White, What ancient Evidence can sway,
If you must Argue thus and not obey?
Drawers must be trusted, through whose hands convey'd,
You take the Liquor, or you spoil, the Trade.
For sure those Honest Fellows have no knack
Of putting off stum'd Claret for Pontack.
How long, alas! would the poor Vintner last,
If all that drink must judge, and every Guest
Be allowed to have an understanding Tast?
Thus she: Nor could the Panther well inlarge,
With weak defence, against so strong a Charge.
There I call her a Panther, because she's spotted, which is such a Blot to the Reformation, as I warrant 'em they will never claw off, I'gad.
But with a weary Yawn that shew'd her Pride,
Said, Spotless was a Villain, and she lyed.
White saw her canker'd Malice at that Word,
And said her Prayers, and drew her Delphic Sword.
T'other cry'd Murther, and her Rage restrain'd:
And thus her passive Character maintain'd.
But now alas!———
Mr. Johnson, Pray mind me this; Mr. Smith, I'll ask you to stay no longer, for this that follows is so engaging; hear me but two Lines, I'gad, and go away afterwards if you can.
But now, alas, I grieve, I grieve to tell
What sad Mischance these pretty things befel
These Birds of Beasts.———
There's a tender Expression, Birds of Beasts: 'tis the greatest Affront that you can put upon any Bird, to call it, Beast of a Bird:Pag. 129. and a Beast is so fond of being call'd a Bird, as you can't imagine.
These Birds of Beasts, these learned Reas'ning Mice,
Were separated, banish'd in a trice.
Who would be learned for their sakes, who wise?
Ay, who indeed? There's a Pathos, I'gad, Gentlemen, if that won't move you, nothing will, I can assure you: But here's the sad thing I was afraid of.
The Constable alarm'd by this Noise,
Enter'd the Room, directed by the Voice,
And speaking to the Watch, with Head aside, Pag. 135.
Said, Desperate Cures must be to desperate Ills apply'd.
These Gentlemen, for so their Fate decrees,
Can ne'er enjoy at once the But and Peace. Pag. 115.
When each have separated Interests of their own, Pag. 144.
Two Mice are one too many for a Town.
By Schism they are torn; and therefore, Brother,
Look you to one, and I'll secure the t'other.
Now whither Dapple did to Bridewell go, Pag. 98.
Or in the Stocks all Night her Finger blow,
Or in the Compter lay, concerns not us to know.
But the immortal Matron, spotless White,
Forgetting Dapple's Rudeness, Malice, Spight,
Look'd kindly back, and wept, and said, Good Night.
Pag. 145.Ten thousand Watchmen waited on this Mouse,
With Bills, and Halberds, to her Country-House.
This last Contrivance I had from a judicious Author, that makes Ten thousand Angels wait upon his Hind, and she asleep too, I'gad.———
Johns.Come, let's see what we have to pay.
Bayes.What a Pox, are you in such hast? You han't told me how you like it.
Johns.Oh, extreamly well. Here, Drawer.
FINIS.