The History of the Adventures of Joseph Andrews and his Friend, Mr. Abraham Abrams/Book I, Chapter VIII

CHAPTER VIII.

_In which, after some very fine writing, the history goes on, and

relates the interview between the lady and Joseph; where the latter hath

set an example which we despair of seeing followed by his sex in this

vicious age._

Now the rake Hesperus had called for his breeches, and, having well

rubbed his drowsy eyes, prepared to dress himself for all night; by

whose example his brother rakes on earth likewise leave those beds in

which they had slept away the day. Now Thetis, the good housewife, began

to put on the pot, in order to regale the good man Phoebus after his

daily labours were over. In vulgar language, it was in the evening when

Joseph attended his lady's orders.

But as it becomes us to preserve the character of this lady, who is the

heroine of our tale; and as we have naturally a wonderful tenderness for

that beautiful part of the human species called the fair sex; before we

discover too much of her frailty to our reader, it will be proper to

give him a lively idea of the vast temptation, which overcame all the

efforts of a modest and virtuous mind; and then we humbly hope his good

nature will rather pity than condemn the imperfection of human virtue.

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Nay, the ladies themselves will, we hope, be induced, by considering the

uncommon variety of charms which united in this young man's person, to

bridle their rampant passion for chastity, and be at least as mild as

their violent modesty and virtue will permit them, in censuring the

conduct of a woman who, perhaps, was in her own disposition as chaste

as those pure and sanctified virgins who, after a life innocently spent

in the gaieties of the town, begin about fifty to attend twice _per

diem_ at the polite churches and chapels, to return thanks for the grace

which preserved them formerly amongst beaus from temptations perhaps

less powerful than what now attacked the Lady Booby.

Mr Joseph Andrews was now in the one-and-twentieth year of his age. He

was of the highest degree of middle stature; his limbs were put together

with great elegance, and no less strength; his legs and thighs were

formed in the exactest proportion; his shoulders were broad and brawny,

but yet his arm hung so easily, that he had all the symptoms of strength

without the least clumsiness. His hair was of a nut-brown colour, and

was displayed in wanton ringlets down his back; his forehead was high,

his eyes dark, and as full of sweetness as of fire; his nose a little

inclined to the Roman; his teeth white and even; his lips full, red, and

soft; his beard was only rough on his chin and upper lip; but his

cheeks, in which his blood glowed, were overspread with a thick down;

his countenance had a tenderness joined with a sensibility

inexpressible. Add to this the most perfect neatness in his dress, and

an air which, to those who have not seen many noblemen, would give an

idea of nobility.

Such was the person who now appeared before the lady. She viewed him

some time in silence, and twice or thrice before she spake changed her

mind as to the manner in which she should begin. At length she said to

him, "Joseph, I am sorry to hear such complaints against you: I am told

you behave so rudely to the maids, that they cannot do their business in

quiet; I mean those who are not wicked enough to hearken to your

solicitations. As to others, they may, perhaps, not call you rude; for

there are wicked sluts who make one ashamed of one's own sex, and are as

ready to admit any nauseous familiarity as fellows to offer it: nay,

there are such in my family, but they shall not stay in it; that

impudent trollop who is with child by you is discharged by this time."

As a person who is struck through the heart with a thunderbolt looks

extremely surprised, nay, and perhaps is so too--thus the poor Joseph

received the false accusation of his mistress; he blushed and looked

confounded, which she misinterpreted to be symptoms of his guilt, and

thus went on:--

"Come hither, Joseph: another mistress might discard you for these

offences; but I have a compassion for your youth, and if I could be

certain you would be no more guilty--Consider, child," laying her hand

carelessly upon his, "you are a handsome young fellow, and might do

better; you might make your fortune." "Madam," said Joseph, "I do assure

your ladyship I don't know whether any maid in the house is man or

woman." "Oh fie! Joseph," answered the lady, "don't commit another crime

in denying the truth. I could pardon the first; but I hate a lyar."

"Madam," cries Joseph, "I hope your ladyship will not be offended at my

asserting my innocence; for, by all that is sacred, I have never offered

more than kissing." "Kissing!" said the lady, with great discomposure of

countenance, and more redness in her cheeks than anger in her eyes; "do

you call that no crime? Kissing, Joseph, is as a prologue to a play. Can

I believe a young fellow of your age and complexion will be content with

kissing? No, Joseph, there is no woman who grants that but will grant

more; and I am deceived greatly in you if you would not put her closely

to it. What would you think, Joseph, if I admitted you to kiss me?"

Joseph replied he would sooner die than have any such thought. "And

yet, Joseph," returned she, "ladies have admitted their footmen to such

familiarities; and footmen, I confess to you, much less deserving them;

fellows without half your charms--for such might almost excuse the

crime. Tell me therefore, Joseph, if I should admit you to such freedom,

what would you think of me?--tell me freely." "Madam," said Joseph, "I

should think your ladyship condescended a great deal below yourself."

"Pugh!" said she; "that I am to answer to myself: but would not you

insist on more? Would you be contented with a kiss? Would not your

inclinations be all on fire rather by such a favour?" "Madam," said

Joseph, "if they were, I hope I should be able to controul them, without

suffering them to get the better of my virtue." You have heard, reader,

poets talk of the statue of Surprize; you have heard likewise, or else

you have heard very little, how Surprize made one of the sons of Croesus

speak, though he was dumb. You have seen the faces, in the

eighteen-penny gallery, when, through the trap-door, to soft or no

music, Mr. Bridgewater, Mr. William Mills, or some other of ghostly

appearance, hath ascended, with a face all pale with powder, and a shirt

all bloody with ribbons;--but from none of these, nor from Phidias or

Praxiteles, if they should return to life--no, not from the inimitable

pencil of my friend Hogarth, could you receive such an idea of surprize

as would have entered in at your eyes had they beheld the Lady Booby

when those last words issued out from the lips of Joseph. "Your virtue!"

said the lady, recovering after a silence of two minutes; "I shall never

survive it. Your virtue!--intolerable confidence! Have you the assurance

to pretend, that when a lady demeans herself to throw aside the rules of

decency, in order to honour you with the highest favour in her power,

your virtue should resist her inclination? that, when she had conquered

her own virtue, she should find an obstruction in yours?" "Madam," said

Joseph, "I can't see why her having no virtue should be a reason against

my having any; or why, because I am a man, or because I am poor, my

virtue must be subservient to her pleasures." "I am out of patience,"

cries the lady: "did ever mortal hear of a man's virtue? Did ever the

greatest or the gravest men pretend to any of this kind? Will

magistrates who punish lewdness, or parsons who preach against it, make

any scruple of committing it? And can a boy, a stripling, have the

confidence to talk of his virtue?" "Madam," says Joseph, "that boy is

the brother of Pamela, and would be ashamed that the chastity of his

family, which is preserved in her, should be stained in him. If there

are such men as your ladyship mentions, I am sorry for it; and I wish

they had an opportunity of reading over those letters which my father

hath sent me of my sister Pamela's; nor do I doubt but such an example

would amend them." "You impudent villain!" cries the lady in a rage; "do

you insult me with the follies of my relation, who hath exposed himself

all over the country upon your sister's account? a little vixen, whom I

have always wondered my late Lady Booby ever kept in her house. Sirrah!

get out of my sight, and prepare to set out this night; for I will order

you your wages immediately, and you shall be stripped and turned away."

"Madam," says Joseph, "I am sorry I have offended your ladyship, I am

sure I never intended it." "Yes, sirrah," cries she, "you have had the

vanity to misconstrue the little innocent freedom I took, in order to

try whether what I had heard was true. O' my conscience, you have had

the assurance to imagine I was fond of you myself." Joseph answered, he

had only spoke out of tenderness for his virtue; at which words she

flew into a violent passion, and refusing to hear more, ordered him

instantly to leave the room.

He was no sooner gone than she burst forth into the following

exclamation:--"Whither doth this violent passion hurry us? What

meannesses do we submit to from its impulse! Wisely we resist its first

and least approaches; for it is then only we can assure ourselves the

victory. No woman could ever safely say, so far only will I go. Have I

not exposed myself to the refusal of my footman? I cannot bear the

reflection." Upon which she applied herself to the bell, and rung it

with infinite more violence than was necessary--the faithful Slipslop

attending near at hand: to say the truth, she had conceived a suspicion

at her last interview with her mistress, and had waited ever since in

the antechamber, having carefully applied her ears to the keyhole during

the whole time that the preceding conversation passed between Joseph

and the lady.