The History of the Adventures of Joseph Andrews and his Friend, Mr. Abraham Abrams/Book IV, Chapter XIV

CHAPTER XIV.

_Containing several curious night-adventures, in which Mr Adams fell

into many hair-breadth 'scapes, partly owing to his goodness, and partly

to his inadvertency._

About an hour after they had all separated (it being now past three in

the morning), beau Didapper, whose passion for Fanny permitted him not

to close his eyes, but had employed his imagination in contrivances how

to satisfy his desires, at last hit on a method by which he hoped to

effect it. He had ordered his servant to bring him word where Fanny lay,

and had received his information; he therefore arose, put on his

breeches and nightgown, and stole softly along the gallery which led to

her apartment; and, being come to the door, as he imagined it, he opened

it with the least noise possible and entered the chamber. A savour now

invaded his nostrils which he did not expect in the room of so sweet a

young creature, and which might have probably had no good effect on a

cooler lover. However, he groped out the bed with difficulty, for there

was not a glimpse of light, and, opening the curtains, he whispered in

Joseph's voice (for he was an excellent mimic), "Fanny, my angel! I am

come to inform thee that I have discovered the falsehood of the story we

last night heard. I am no longer thy brother, but the lover; nor will I

be delayed the enjoyment of thee one moment longer. You have sufficient

assurances of my constancy not to doubt my marrying you, and it would be

want of love to deny me the possession of thy charms."--So saying, he

disencumbered himself from the little clothes he had on, and, leaping

into bed, embraced his angel, as he conceived her, with great rapture.

If he was surprized at receiving no answer, he was no less pleased to

find his hug returned with equal ardour. He remained not long in this

sweet confusion; for both he and his paramour presently discovered their

error. Indeed it was no other than the accomplished Slipslop whom he had

engaged; but, though she immediately knew the person whom she had

mistaken for Joseph, he was at a loss to guess at the representative of

Fanny. He had so little seen or taken notice of this gentlewoman, that

light itself would have afforded him no assistance in his conjecture.

Beau Didapper no sooner had perceived his mistake than he attempted to

escape from the bed with much greater haste than he had made to it; but

the watchful Slipslop prevented him. For that prudent woman, being

disappointed of those delicious offerings which her fancy had promised

her pleasure, resolved to make an immediate sacrifice to her virtue.

Indeed she wanted an opportunity to heal some wounds, which her late

conduct had, she feared, given her reputation; and, as she had a

wonderful presence of mind, she conceived the person of the unfortunate

beau to be luckily thrown in her way to restore her lady's opinion of

her impregnable chastity. At that instant, therefore, when he offered to

leap from the bed, she caught fast hold of his shirt, at the same time

roaring out, "O thou villain! who hast attacked my chastity, and, I

believe, ruined me in my sleep; I will swear a rape against thee, I will

prosecute thee with the utmost vengeance." The beau attempted to get

loose, but she held him fast, and when he struggled she cried out

"Murder! murder! rape! robbery! ruin!" At which words, parson Adams, who

lay in the next chamber, wakeful, and meditating on the pedlar's

discovery, jumped out of bed, and, without staying to put a rag of

clothes on, hastened into the apartment whence the cries proceeded. He

made directly to the bed in the dark, where, laying hold of the beau's

skin (for Slipslop had torn his shirt almost off), and finding his skin

extremely soft, and hearing him in a low voice begging Slipslop to let

him go, he no longer doubted but this was the young woman in danger of

ravishing, and immediately falling on the bed, and laying hold on

Slipslop's chin, where he found a rough beard, his belief was confirmed;

he therefore rescued the beau, who presently made his escape, and then,

turning towards Slipslop, received such a cuff on his chops, that, his

wrath kindling instantly, he offered to return the favour so stoutly,

that had poor Slipslop received the fist, which in the dark passed by

her and fell on the pillow, she would most probably have given up the

ghost. Adams, missing his blow, fell directly on Slipslop, who cuffed

and scratched as well as she could; nor was he behindhand with her in

his endeavours, but happily the darkness of the night befriended her.

She then cried she was a woman; but Adams answered, she was rather the

devil, and if she was he would grapple with him; and, being again

irritated by another stroke on his chops, he gave her such a remembrance

in the guts, that she began to roar loud enough to be heard all over the

house. Adams then, seizing her by the hair (for her double-clout had

fallen off in the scuffle), pinned her head down to the bolster, and

then both called for lights together. The Lady Booby, who was as wakeful

as any of her guests, had been alarmed from the beginning; and, being a

woman of a bold spirit, she slipt on a nightgown, petticoat, and

slippers, and taking a candle, which always burnt in her chamber, in her

hand, she walked undauntedly to Slipslop's room; where she entered just

at the instant as Adams had discovered, by the two mountains which

Slipslop carried before her, that he was concerned with a female. He

then concluded her to be a witch, and said he fancied those breasts gave

suck to a legion of devils. Slipslop, seeing Lady Booby enter the room,

cried help! or I am ravished, with a most audible voice: and Adams,

perceiving the light, turned hastily, and saw the lady (as she did him)

just as she came to the feet of the bed; nor did her modesty, when she

found the naked condition of Adams, suffer her to approach farther. She

then began to revile the parson as the wickedest of all men, and

particularly railed at his impudence in chusing her house for the scene

of his debaucheries, and her own woman for the object of his bestiality.

Poor Adams had before discovered the countenance of his bedfellow, and,

now first recollecting he was naked, he was no less confounded than Lady

Booby herself, and immediately whipt under the bedclothes, whence the

chaste Slipslop endeavoured in vain to shut him out. Then putting forth

his head, on which, by way of ornament, he wore a flannel nightcap, he

protested his innocence, and asked ten thousand pardons of Mrs Slipslop

for the blows he had struck her, vowing he had mistaken her for a witch.

Lady Booby, then casting her eyes on the ground, observed something

sparkle with great lustre, which, when she had taken it up, appeared to

be a very fine pair of diamond buttons for the sleeves. A little farther

she saw lie the sleeve itself of a shirt with laced ruffles. "Heyday!"

says she, "what is the meaning of this?" "O, madam," says Slipslop, "I

don't know what hath happened, I have been so terrified. Here may have

been a dozen men in the room." "To whom belongs this laced shirt and

jewels?" says the lady. "Undoubtedly," cries the parson, "to the young

gentleman whom I mistook for a woman on coming into the room, whence

proceeded all the subsequent mistakes; for if I had suspected him for a

man, I would have seized him, had he been another Hercules, though,

indeed, he seems rather to resemble Hylas." He then gave an account of

the reason of his rising from bed, and the rest, till the lady came into

the room; at which, and the figures of Slipslop and her gallant, whose

heads only were visible at the opposite corners of the bed, she could

not refrain from laughter; nor did Slipslop persist in accusing the

parson of any motions towards a rape. The lady therefore desired him to

return to his bed as soon as she was departed, and then ordering

Slipslop to rise and attend her in her own room, she returned herself

thither. When she was gone, Adams renewed his petitions for pardon to

Mrs Slipslop, who, with a most Christian temper, not only forgave, but

began to move with much courtesy towards him, which he taking as a hint

to begin, immediately quitted the bed, and made the best of his way

towards his own; but unluckily, instead of turning to the right, he

turned to the left, and went to the apartment where Fanny lay, who (as

the reader may remember) had not slept a wink the preceding night, and

who was so hagged out with what had happened to her in the day, that,

notwithstanding all thoughts of her Joseph, she was fallen into so

profound a sleep, that all the noise in the adjoining room had not been

able to disturb her. Adams groped out the bed, and, turning the clothes

down softly, a custom Mrs Adams had long accustomed him to, crept in,

and deposited his carcase on the bed-post, a place which that good woman

had always assigned him.

As the cat or lap-dog of some lovely nymph, for whom ten thousand lovers

languish, lies quietly by the side of the charming maid, and, ignorant

of the scene of delight on which they repose, meditates the future

capture of a mouse, or surprisal of a plate of bread and butter: so

Adams lay by the side of Fanny, ignorant of the paradise to which he was

so near; nor could the emanation of sweets which flowed from her breath

overpower the fumes of tobacco which played in the parson's nostrils.

And now sleep had not overtaken the good man, when Joseph, who had

secretly appointed Fanny to come to her at the break of day, rapped

softly at the chamber-door, which when he had repeated twice, Adams

cryed, "Come in, whoever you are." Joseph thought he had mistaken the

door, though she had given him the most exact directions; however,

knowing his friend's voice, he opened it, and saw some female vestments

lying on a chair. Fanny waking at the same instant, and stretching out

her hand on Adams's beard, she cried out,--"O heavens! where am I?"

"Bless me! where am I?" said the parson. Then Fanny screamed, Adams

leapt out of bed, and Joseph stood, as the tragedians call it, like the

statue of Surprize. "How came she into my room?" cryed Adams. "How came

you into hers?" cryed Joseph, in an astonishment. "I know nothing of the

matter," answered Adams, "but that she is a vestal for me. As I am a

Christian, I know not whether she is a man or woman. He is an infidel

who doth not believe in witchcraft. They as surely exist now as in the

days of Saul. My clothes are bewitched away too, and Fanny's brought

into their place." For he still insisted he was in his own apartment;

but Fanny denied it vehemently, and said his attempting to persuade

Joseph of such a falsehood convinced her of his wicked designs. "How!"

said Joseph in a rage, "hath he offered any rudeness to you?" She

answered--She could not accuse him of any more than villanously stealing

to bed to her, which she thought rudeness sufficient, and what no man

would do without a wicked intention.

Joseph's great opinion of Adams was not easily to be staggered, and when

he heard from Fanny that no harm had happened he grew a little cooler;

yet still he was confounded, and, as he knew the house, and that the

women's apartments were on this side Mrs Slipslop's room, and the men's

on the other, he was convinced that he was in Fanny's chamber. Assuring

Adams therefore of this truth, he begged him to give some account how he

came there. Adams then, standing in his shirt, which did not offend

Fanny, as the curtains of the bed were drawn, related all that had

happened; and when he had ended Joseph told him,--It was plain he had

mistaken by turning to the right instead of the left. "Odso!" cries

Adams, "that's true: as sure as sixpence, you have hit on the very

thing." He then traversed the room, rubbing his hands, and begged

Fanny's pardon, assuring her he did not know whether she was man or

woman. That innocent creature firmly believing all he said, told him she

was no longer angry, and begged Joseph to conduct him into his own

apartment, where he should stay himself till she had put her clothes on.

Joseph and Adams accordingly departed, and the latter soon was convinced

of the mistake he had committed; however, whilst he was dressing

himself, he often asserted he believed in the power of witchcraft

notwithstanding, and did not see how a Christian could deny it.