The Pastor in his Closet/Saturday
SATURDAY.
O God, I have trodden through the paths of another week; I have come to the last day of the week; Thy mercy has carried me to this hour. If I have done any good, it has been through the operation of Thy grace; and for the evil that I have done I have not been visited with any great judgment, nor given over unto death. I am yet in the land of the living; the living shall praise Thee, Lord; with a most thankful spirit do I kneel before Thee, Father of spirits, for I have provoked Thee every day, and Thou hast had mercy upon me.
And now I desire to make this a day of recollection; of remembrance of sins, of confession, and of repentance, that so I may be prepared for to-morrow's feast, that joy may come in the morning, the joy of worshipping Thee with a prepared spirit.
Make me to see my sins, Lord, with clear eyes, without dissembling; take from me all self-deceit, ignorance of myself, blindness, self-love, partiality, unwise tenderness, all love of vain excuses, palliations, defences of myself. Make me to feel a true godly sorrow for what I have done amiss.
I have indeed done wickedly; many sins of this past week rise to remembrance, sins of omission, neglects of duty, or hurryings over of duty, formality in prayer, too little prayer, want of fervent love for my people's souls, lingering affection for the world, harsh uncharitable words, frivolous conversation, vain ambitious thoughts, much selfishness, unreality in speaking of religion, defects of temper, over-much thought of worldly affairs, thus have I transgressed before Thee; other sins are there besides these, which I myself am ignorant of, for who can tell all the courses of his thoughts, or note down, or know, or remember all his faults. The thoughts even of an hour cannot be numbered, neither the evil of all that multitude of imaginations known. “Who can tell how oft he offendeth? O cleanse Thou me from my secret faults.”
Father of mercies, of all these my trespasses, known and unknown, wilful, or done through ignorance, in thought, in word, in action, the lesser and the greater, of all kinds and of all degrees, I do repent, I do desire fully, thoroughly to repent. Deepen my repentance, if it be too short; lengthen it, if it be too short and hurried; darken my own view of myself, if I incline too much to favour myself.
All that I can do is to repent; that which I have done I cannot undo; that which I have said I cannot unsay; but I can confess the sinfulness of the deed or of the word, I can pray for mercy; this is all; this will I do; I am Thy debtor; I fall down at Thy feet and worship Thee, and pray for the forgiveness of my debts.
Accept my repentance, heavenly Father, for Thy dear Son's sake. Wipe out of Thy book of remembrance all my faults; blot them out, that they appear not against me on the day of judgment; drown them and cover them in the blood of the Lamb; let His blood hide them. how my whole soul and spirit would blush with an overwhelming shame, if all that I have done in all my life, all the thoughts, motives, desires, passions, evil actions, were to be revealed even to a man like myself! How then can I bear the judgment, Thy penetrating light, the light of Thy countenance! How can I stand before Thee, Thou great God, Thou most pure and most holy God! How can I, a wretched sinner, a most miserable sinner all my days, behold all the misdeeds of my life revealed before Thee and the great company of Thy angels, and before quick and dead! How could I bear my own self, when all this my most sinful life should be uncovered, even to the most secret and the most shameful parts.
God, for Thy mercy's sake forgive me all my sins; “do away mine offences;” take away this multitude of witnesses that witness against me. I do very greatly, very justly dread the revelation of the last day, the revelation of myself, except Thou dost forgive me! My hope is in Thy mercy, yea, all my hope; else I shall not be able to look up, else I shall pray the mountains to fall on me and the hills to cover me; else I know not how I shall be able to bear my own soul; I shall be intolerable to myself.
But, Lord, I do hope in Thee; increase in me this good and blessed hope.
“The blood of Jesus Christ cleanseth us from all sin.” “Lord, I believe, help Thou mine unbelief.”
Lord, I repent; help Thou mine impenitence, and forgive the insufficiency of my grief.
This day indeed, the last of the week, ought to remind me of the last day of my life, of the day of my death, of the day of judgment. As this week ends, so must my life; these hurrying weeks bring it to an end; the end is at hand. I must soon come to the great mystery of death, and feel it, and know what it is. O great mystery of death, how can it be understood now! This house must be dissolved, this my very body, all this most wonderful frame in which only I have known life. I have known no other manner of life than this; I cannot understand life without this body, nor the change when body and soul shall be again joined for ever. And yet the last use and motions of these my present limbs, of tongue, eye, heart, hands, and other members, the last sight of this world, of all this scene where I have lived, the last dawn, and last sunset, and last aspect of men as they are now, the last of all these things is at hand. I cannot escape from death, nor shrink from it; but this I can do by Thy grace, God, I can prepare myself for mine end. I can now think of the day of death, that I may learn to prepare.
I know not, Lord, the number of my days; I know not how I shall die, whether I shall have a great trial at the last, or a short sickness, or a sudden death. I beseech Thee make this my ignorance stir me up to the more intense watchfulness. “Watch and pray,” this is Thine own word. May I have strength to fulfil that word to the uttermost; let not that day come upon me unawares; let me be prepared for the coming of the thief, with my “loins girded” and my “lights burning.” Grant that I may watch and pray to the end; the nearer draws the end, so much the more may I watch; as every day is a step towards death, so ought it to be a step towards the kingdom of heaven. As I may die any day, so every fresh day is a gain to my soul. It were a fearful thing after having preached to others to be myself “a castaway;” to have had Thy words so long in my mouth and yet to be cast out of Thy presence; to have spoken so much of the kingdom of heaven and yet not to enter it; to have warned men of hell and yet to be cast therein; to have been an ambassador of Christ with an embassage of peace, and yet not to go into my Lord's palace; to have spoken the word of peace and yet to lose peace; to have preached Christ and yet to lose Christ. save me from perdition in the last day, “lest that by any means, when I have preached to others, I myself should be a castaway.” Christ have mercy on me.
O save me from perdition on the last day; Christ have mercy on me, when Thou comest to judgment; in judgment remember mercy; remember me on the day of judgment. Thou desirest not that any should perish; save me from perishing. Grant that I may be finally numbered among the saints. “Whom have I in heaven but Thee, and there is none upon earth that I desire in comparison of Thee.” I desire to behold Thy glory, to obtain eternal redemption, to be received up into Thine own kingdom. Draw me towards Thyself, direct my goings in the way, lead me towards Thy kingdom; I commend myself to Thy mercy; cast me not out of Thy presence.
Remember also all this my flock on the day of judgment, for they are Thy people, the sheep of Thy pasture, bought, holy Jesus, by Thy blood. Spare both the shepherd and the sheep, and have pity on us, have great pity on us. Enable us to go through all the mysteries that meet us when we pass out of this world with a firm trust in Thee. Enable us to stand before Thee on the day of judgment with a good hope. Thou hast loved us, Father, with a great love. By all manifestations of divine love, all mercies, providences, instances of long-suffering, gifts of the Spirit, blood of Christ, intercessions of Christ, guardianship of angels, by all this love past and present I pray Thee continue forth Thy loving-kindness. As Thou hast loved us in times past, as Thou art merciful unto us at this present time, so shew forth Thy love on the last day. On the last day look upon us, though we be sinners; strengthen us in that hour, when Thou raisest us from our graves, when we see Thee, most mighty God, in Thy own Majesty; when we are gathered together before Thy throne, all the multitudes of quick and dead, the whole earth, all the families of the earth, all the generations of men, that have ever been, then, O God, lift up Thy face upon us in such love that we may be able to bear the light of Thy countenance. In faith, in faith I now pray unto Thee. I believe in Thee, Father, and Thee, Son, and Thee, Holy Ghost, One God, though Thou art a mystery unto me, though I am a mystery unto myself. I commend myself and all that are mine in most profound humility into Thy hands, kneeling upon the earth, bowing myself to the earth; “into Thy hands I commend my spirit,” and the spirits of all those whom Thou hast given me. Do unto us what seemeth Thee good. We are Thine, Father. Deliver us in the hour of death and in the day of judgment; deliver us from the place of hell and from eternal death, through the precious blood of our Saviour Jesus Christ. Amen. Amen.
