The Pearl/Volume 17

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The Pearl
Printed for the Society of Vice
Volume 17
575856The Pearl — Volume 17Printed for the Society of Vice

My Grandmother's Tale or May's Account of Her Introduction to the Art of Love.[edit]

From an unsophisticated Manuscript found amongst the old lady's papers, after her death, supposed to have been written about A.D. 1797.

"My dear father," said the young man, "we have the back part of the coach to ourselves and the guard is sitting with the coachman, so we are quite private here. Would it not be a good opportunity for letting this young lady look at your reverend prick?"

"Most certainly, my son," replied the clergyman, unbuttoning his trousers. "I am always ready to please the ladies."

So he pulled out his noble tool, fondly stroking it. "There, Miss, there is something for a man to be proud of, and I am proud to have such a father."

"I hope you may have just such another someday," I said.

"Thank you, my dear," said he, "I will show you what I have at present."

And he exhibited his own prick. I told him it was as big as he had any reason to expect, and he quite agreed with me and then regretted the fact that our being outside the coach would prevent his father and himself from looking at anything I would like to show them. "But," continued he, "the coach will stop to change horses in a few minutes' time, and then the passengers generally get down and go inside the inn for half-an-hour for refreshments. But my father, the rector, is well known to the landlord and we will ask for a private room and take our refreshments there; and then, Miss Susan, you will have the wished-for opportunity."

By the time he had finished speaking we arrived at the Royal George, and the parson and his son helped me down from the coach, and I soon found myself in an upstairs parlour with them. They told me their journey terminated there, as they had to drive in a gig to their home, five miles distant, and they both begged me to lose no time.

I replied: "I am in your hands, gentlemen! Only don't harm me."

They promised they would not, and the father then raised my clothes, called his son's attention to my white thighs and the pouting lips of my cunt.

Both father and son kissed and sucked it for a few minutes and then the father insisted on his son having a fuck before he had one.

By the time each had finished, the horn blew the warning to get ready. So hastily swallowing a glass of wine, I arranged my clothes and bade them good-bye.

They accompanied me to the coach and this time I was able to get inside, there being one place vacant, and the parson kindly paying the difference in fare.

With mutual farewells the coach started again and I looked at my fellow passengers and found one who appeared young, the other two being grey-haired gentlemen.

They all accosted me very politely and hoped we should have a pleasant journey together.

The young man enquired how far I was going and when I replied to Edinburgh, he expressed his pleasure that we should be going to the same city.

"What a fortunate circumstance," said he, "that you were not travelling by this coach last week."

"How so?"

"Because the notorious Dick Turpin and his gang stopped the coach just a little way from here and robbed the passengers, and used the ladies very cruelly."

"Oh! how you frighten me! Do tell me all about it," said I. The elderly gentleman opposite now spoke and said:

"I can give you the correct account, for I was one of the passengers and one of the victims; I may say."

"Oh, do tell me if there is any danger of Dick Turpin coming again today?" I asked.

"Not the slightest, " said the old gentleman, "and that is the reason why I am travelling again so soon. Besides, I am armed with my horse-pistols."

"Oh," said I, "don't show them to me, I am so terribly frightened! But tell me about the villains."

The old gentleman continued: "It was just about three in the afternoon when, as we were bowling along, as we are now, I heard several horsemen ride up on each side of the coach and call to the coachman to stop or he should be shot. And two shots were fired at him, and one wounded him, the other broke the lamp.

"Of course the coach was stopped and the robbers then called: 'Stand out and deliver your money and valuables, or you are all dead men.'

"There must have been ten or twelve men - some on foot, and some on horseback.

"I should mention that the inside of the coach was occupied by some girls going to York to school. There were four besides their mistress and outside there were four more girls - that makes nine ladies, and there were six men passengers besides the coachman and guard.

"I should say that two of the misses were my grandchildren, aged about thirteen and fourteen.

"Well, the villains first looked inside the coach and made the madame give up her gold watch and rings, then they made us men come down and stand in the road while they searched our pockets, one man standing with the muzzle of a pistol pressed close to my forehead while he searched my pockets.

"When this was done, they abused us for giving them so much trouble for so little money and declared they would be revenged on the women for it.

"I begged them to spare my poor grandchildren.

"'Point them out,' said one of the villains.

"I did so, thinking that he was going to listen to my requests, but no; to my surprise he tied their hands behind them and then lifted up their clothes and threw them over their heads, exposing their bodies from the waist downwards!

"I rushed forward to replace their clothing when two of the villains caught hold of me and tied my hands behind my back, and then to my indignation, they actually cut open my breeches in front and pulled out my prick."

"Horrible!" I exclaimed.

"Monstrous," said the young man.

"Yes," continued the old man, "and that is not all. There is something more horrible to tell."

"Oh, do tell," said I.

"Pray," said the young man, "continue."

"Well, the villains made me kneel down and kiss the slits of my two granddaughters and made me suck them and push in my tongue! Then they uncovered the poor girls' faces, and tying their clothes tight under their arms, ordered them to suck my cock! In vain they and I protested. A loaded pistol fired off close to our ears was the warning of what our fate should be if we disobeyed. So first one and then the other dear girl went through the task. And the villains made me say the sucking was pleasant!"

"And what did you say?"

"Of course I told the truth, that the sucking gave me pleasure."

"And what became of the other men who were passengers?"

"Oh, they were made to suck the slits of the schoolgirls and to submit to have their pricks sucked in turn."

"And how did the school-madame fare?"

"Oh, the villains grossly insulted her by examining her cunt, and telling her she was too old to allow them to give her any pleasure of that kind, so they cut a bunch of twigs from the bushes and forced her on all fours, bared her backside and gave her a good flogging."

"Do you mean to state that all these outrages took place on the high-turnpike road?"

"Well, yes, that is to say, close to it, for there was a piece of turf or grass-land rather wide at the side of the road at this place. In fact, there were a few trees and bushes growing there."

"Did no person pass in travelling along the road, while this took place, for it must have taken some time?"

"Yes, it took an hour or more, but a farmer with his wife riding behind on a pillion, and one wagon loaded with hay; accompanied by the wagoner, were all that passed by during the time. Part of the hay was unloaded to serve for beds on which to extend the unfortunate lady-passengers and the farmer was compelled to fuck his wife in public."

"Did Dick Turpin take part in these outrages?"

"No, he told his men to fuck any way they took a fancy to, but he kept watch most of the time and gave the necessary directions to his men so that several of them kept watch in turn, while the others committed these outrages on their victims."

"Do you mean to say that the ten schoolgirls were all raped and their maidenheads taken?"

"Certainly; if they had any to lose! They were all fucked before my eyes."

"How did it all end?"

"Oh, after a while Captain Dick said: 'That's enough for this time, boys. Mount and away!' And so they rode off leaving all the victims tied and bound until some passer-by should come and relieve them. Of course we called for help directly after our tormentors had left us and in half-an-hour some foot passengers and also the returning mail-coach came by and released our bonds and we all made the best of our ways to our destinations."

The young man now spoke. "It is all quite true, Miss, I assure you; I was one of the passengers by the down-mail on that occasion and I saw the condition of the ten schoolgirls as described by our friend here. They were all tied to trees with their arms behind them, and their clothing raised and tied close to their shoulders so as to expose their bellies and all below.

"I could not help being delighted with the sight, although of course I pitied the poor things, and I delayed helping to release them in order to have a good view of their naked charms. I was much amused at the remarks of a worthy tradesman and his wife who were also looking at those schoolgirls. The wife spoke sharply: 'Well, Mr. Jones, I am ashamed of you to stand staring like a stuck pig at those naked shameless young hussies. Why don't they put their dresses down?'

"'Well, my dear,' said her husband, 'they have their hands tied behind their backs and can't help themselves, and as to my looking at them, my excuse is I never saw such a sight before! Why, there are ten naked bellies for me to look at and four have hardly any hair on their slits and the others all have black hair on them, but one, and she...'

"Here his wife angrily interposed: 'You have made good use of your eyes for these few minutes, Mr. Jones; I must say I am astonished at you, a married man and the father of six girls and four boys, so to demean yourself! Why don't you shut your eyes until this disgraceful exhibition is over?'

"'No, Mrs. Jones, I am not going to close my eyes! I may be called as a witness against the villains if ever they are caught, and if I shut my eyes how am I to describe to the jury the cruel state in which the girls are left?'

"'Well,' said his wife, 'had you not better try and catch those villains?'

"'No, my dear, my duty does not lie in that direction.'

"'Nor your inclination either,' retorted his wife, 'for evidently you prefer the safer course of feasting your eyes on these poor girls' nakedness.'

"'Well, my dear, you know I am always delighted to look at yours but you so seldom allow me to do so.'

'"I should think not, indeed,' said Mrs. Jones, 'and that reminds me that last Sunday I saw you take two of our daughters on your knee and I think you had your hands under their clothes!'

"'Nonsense! Mrs. Jones, only a little play and romping, for my girls are very fond of their old father; besides it is a father's duty to see if his girls' underclothes are clean and in the fashion.'

"'Now, Mr. Jones, do be quiet. What right has a man to be troubling himself about his girls' clothing?'

"'Why what I buy and pay for with my own money I have the right to examine, and you know I should never have married you if I had not examined you first!'

"'For shame, Mr. Jones, to speak about that here in the open air where anyone might overhear you!'

"'Now Mary Ann, dear, will you untie these poor girls' clothes from their necks and help me undo their hands?'

"So I then offered my assistance to several of the girls and helped to put their clothing down over their bellies, taking care to touch much of their naked bodies in doing so, and getting my hand on each of their bellies in the performance of this duty.

"I ought to mention that the place where these outrages took place was a kind of valley between two hills, and where a house was not in sight for many miles. It was up a lane through this valley that the highway-men came on horseback to do their unlawful work, and when they had completed it they went away down the valley again."

At this moment as the young man finished his account the coach gave a lurch forward, probably from the coachman suddenly whipping up the horses; however, I found myself flung against the elderly man sitting opposite me and he caught me firmly in his arms and kissed me, saying: "God bless me, Miss, don't be frightened, come to my arms, I'll take care of you."

I replied I could not help it and then felt a hand passing up my thighs from behind, and another hand patting my bottom.

I cried out: "Oh, this conduct is most shameful gentlemen, do leave a poor girl alone!"

"Why, what's the matter, my dear?" said the young man.

"Nobody is touching you," growled the old gentleman.

"Well, my dear, I am kissing you," said the one on whom I had been thrown.

"I know that," I replied, "but more than that has been done to me."

"Well," said he, "I am a magistrate and my name is Squire Johnson, and if you will sit by my side and make your complaint you shall have justice done to you."

The other elderly-looking gentleman said: "Well, Squire Johnson you have known me for years as the parson of the parish and my name is the Rev. Mr. Scarlett and I expect you to take my oath against any other person's."

The young gentleman now spoke: "Oh, I am a medical student going home from college. My name is Charley Stuart and I am sure to fall in love with every pretty girl I see, especially such an angel as this!" giving me a most loving look.

"Now, then," said Squire Johnson, "if you, Miss, will give us your name we will proceed."

I replied: "My name is Susan Gardiner and I charge Parson Scarlett and Charley Stuart with touching my naked body."

Squire Johnson wrote this down in his pocket-book and then said: "Miss Susan, you say you charge these gentlemen with an indecent assault! Please state the particulars."

I did so, saying the Parson put his hand on my bottom, "when the coach by that sudden jerk threw me into your arms and you kissed me. The other gentleman, called Charley Stuart, put one of his hands between my thighs, very high up, at the same time."

Squire Johnson.- "Now Parson, what is your reply to those charges?"

Parson.- "Oh, I saw the young lady's petticoats disarranged and I tried to replace them."

Squire J.- "And you, Charley Stuart?"

CHARLEY.- "Oh, I plead guilty and promise not to do it again until the next time."

Squire J.- "Gentlemen, from your replies I am quite satisfied that you are both guilty of the offence charged against you; and my sentence is that you each pay Miss Susan immediately the sum of half-a-crown, that you each beg her pardon and that you each offer to show her your pricks. Come, Parson, you first, out of respect of your cloth, as you are in holy orders."

Parson.- "Never did I hear a more impartial and righteous sentence."

So he paid me the half-crown at once and pulled out his tool; it was short and thick with an enormous red head.

Charley said: "See Miss Susan, I offer you this half-crown for the sweet kisses you gave me. Here, balanced on the head of my prick and it is cheap enough."

And Squire J.- "Now, Miss Susan, I offer you this half-crown, and as it is now four o'clock, before the coach will stop, I propose that you should give us some entertainment - and answer all our questions truthfully."

Parson.- "Also obey us in all our wishes."

Charley.- "And Miss Susan, if you do, you shall be paid a guinea from me."

Squire.- "And another from me."

Parson.- "And I will give another, that will make three golden guineas! Think, what a lot of money!"

Dear May, do not blame me for acceding to their wishes. I knew I was completely in their power, and then the presents of the guineas! It seemed riches indeed to me, who had never possessed more than a few shillings at one time in my life.

So I dried my tears and taking up the three half-crowns, said: "Do not harm me, good gentlemen! I will agree to your proposals and trust to your honour, as I am only a girl entirely at your mercy, but I should vastly like three guineas."

"A very sensible good girl," said the Parson.

"You are an angel," said Charley.

Parson.- "I will ask Miss Susan if she has any hair on her little slit?"

"Yes," I replied.

Squire.- "What colour?"

"Light red."

"Did you ever allow a man to look at your cunt?" said Charley.


Parson.- "And suck it, I'll be bound?"

Charley. - " And kiss it?"


Squire.- "Then Miss Susan shall be laid across the laps of two of us, and the other shall kiss and suck her pretty cunny."

"Agreed!" they all cried.

And this was done in succession, until all three had had their turn. To do this my petticoats and smock were raised so as to expose to view my thighs and belly. Then each gentleman knelt on the floor of the coach and kissed and sucked my cunny.

The Parson asked: "How much time, Squire, do we have before the coach stops?"

"Three hours."

The Parson then said: "That will be ample time for Miss Susan to strip herself naked, and to let us enjoy looking at her charms in the nude state."

"Yes," said the Squire, "plenty of time."

I replied that I should take cold.

"No, I'll take care of that," said Charley. "I will keep you warm. I will give you brandy from this bottle."

"But I shall be seen by passers-by," again I objected.

But the Parson and Squire agreed to keep the curtain of the coach-windows drawn down, sufficient to prevent all chance of anyone seeing me.

"Now," said Charley, "I will be your lady's-maid and disrobe you."

He then took off my bonnet and shawl, then my frock stays and petticoats. I begged hard to be allowed to retain my smock, but all in vain as the Parson said it would interfere with the full view of my naked body; besides, he said: "Eve was naked in the Garden of Eden, so there's Scripture for you, Miss Susan."

I was praised for the whiteness and firmness of my skin, and my shape was much admired.

Two of them sat on one seat of the coach and one on the other, with their knees as close to one another as possible, and on this broad lap I was laid and rolled over and over, their hands roving over my back, shoulders and bosom, belly and bottom, in succession, one pointing out to the other some attraction that he specially admired.

My mouth and both hands were next occupied with three pricks at once, and I was obliged to change from one to the other, until each had his prick sucked.

Next I was seated between two of them on the edge of the seat. Then they raised my legs higher than my head, and told me to jut my belly well forward. This had the effect of exposing my bottom-hole as well as my cunny. Then one gentleman would fuck me in this position and then the others would change places, until all three had fucked me. But I will say, they all withdrew their pricks before spending and spouted their sperm over my belly, as it was solemnly promised by them all that there should be no risk of getting me with a child.

By the time they managed to get a couple of fucks each, the time came for me to resume my clothing, which I was thankful to do. And I was only decently dressed when the guard's horn warned us the coach was about to stop.

I was glad to learn we had to stop one hour for dinner, but was amused at Charley telling the chambermaid I was his wife, and so accompanying me up to the bedroom where he actually produced the pot from under the bed and made me sit down and do my pee, while he, lying at full length on the floor with his head close to my belly, watched the waterfall, as he called it.

Then he went down the stairs with me to the dinner-table, where we all did justice to the repast and had some good wine.

My companions were all very attentive to my wants and paid my score between them.

We then resumed our places in the coach as before, the coachman telling us we should have another four hours without stopping at all.

I noticed the Parson and Squire soon felt the efforts of their wine and good feeding, for they were soon sound asleep and snoring.

Charley said he was glad of that as now he could have me all to himself. So we first had a mutual prick-and-cunt-sucking match, each trying to hold back the juice of love as long as possible.

Next, sitting in Charley's lap with his tool ensconced in my cunny, I gently rode up and down, till he was compelled to withdraw and spend all over my belly.

We tired ourselves out with our varied loving encounters and at last we both fell asleep and were only aroused by the guard's horn announcing our arrival at our destination in Edinburgh.

My uncle was waiting for me at the inn and after thanking my travelling companions for their polite attentions, I took my uncle's arm and walked with him to his home.

My uncle kept talking all the way and enquired the name of my late companions.

I answered truthfully and he was pleased to think I had been in such good respectable society: "For," said he, "now a-days there are so many villains about that a young girl might be ruined before she knew her danger."

I mentally resolved to act the part of an innocent girl in dear uncle's presence and also I determined to put in practice the instructions of Charley Stuart, who, being a medical student, told me many things about a woman's private parts that I did not know before. One thing he told me was to get a lump of alum and push it up in my cunny and keep it then all night. It would act as an astringent and make it as tight as a virgin's cunny. And he also advised me to use a solution of alum in water with a female syringe as often during the day as was convenient.

Dear May, I advise you to do the same. When you send a messenger to buy the alum you can say it is for a sore throat or to use in dyeing - as it is used for both those purposes. Only, dear May, let me give you a caution - don't let the piece of alum be very large, for I will tell you what a fright I had.

One night I put a lump as large as a hen's egg up my cunny and in the morning I could not get it out! It had caused such a contraction of the inside folds of my cunny that I could barely insert the tip of my finger so you may imagine m dilemma. At last I thought: "Why of course, hot water will dissolve it." So I sat over the bidet for nearly an hour an bathed my poor cunny with warm water and it gradually dissolved some of the alum, and I was none the worse for my fright.

Well, to resume, Uncle and I came at last to his house which was a bookseller's shop with rooms for residence over the shop and a milliner's shop on one side, and a dressmaker's shop on the other, while opposite was an inn called "The Royal Standard," and next door to that was a board-school for young ladies.

I mention these details because Uncle called my attention to them, saying they were all his best customers.

On arriving at Uncle's house he took me upstairs and introduced me to the housekeeper, who was going to leave to get married the following week, and I was to take her place in Uncle's household.

She took me to a comfortable bedroom, and kissing me, praised my good looks and enquired if I would like a bath after my long journey.

I replied it was the one thing I was longing for. So she opened a door leading from my bedroom and showed me the bath, saying she would be back in half-an-hour to help me dress and get ready for dinner.

Oh, May, how I enjoyed that cold bath! I splashed and dashed the water all over my naked body and took the opportunity of removing the alum Charley had considerately slipped into my cunny in the coach, for, said he, who knows how soon you may have to pass for a virgin?

I had just finished my washing and stepped out of the bath and was seated on a stool drying myself when the door opened and in came the housekeeper, Jemima, and rushing up to me, exclaimed: "Oh, Miss Susan, please stand before this pier- glass for a moment!"

I did so and found it was as tall as myself and reflected my figure as large as life.

Jemima now began to rub me with a towel, all the time praising my skin, my back, my belly, and my thighs, in such a loud voice that I began to fancy she intended someone in the next room to hear. However, I kept my thoughts to myself and only said: "Make haste, Jemima, and help me dress for I want my supper so badly."

At last she was obliged to leave off her rubbings and she brought me a clean smock and petticoat which she helped to put on. Then I sat on a low stool and drew on clean white stockings; but Jemima would help put on a new pair of garters, which fastened with a silver clasp. I was so pleased with them that I jumped up and stood before the mirror to admire my garters, and of course had to raise my smock rather high to do so.

"Those garters are a present from your uncle," said Jemima, "you will not forget to thank him presently."

"Of course I shall thank him," I said.

Jemima now put on me a very low-necked blue frock.

"And this also is your uncle's present," said she.

"Oh; what a dear, kind uncle he is! How much I love him already," I replied.

"Well," said Jemima, "now go down to supper and tell him so."

On entering the room downstairs I found supper on the table and Uncle in his dressing-gown and slippers sitting by a bright fire.

(To be continued.)

Drawing-Room Passe Temps.[edit]

Gent - Have you tried the new medicated paper for the water-closet?

Lady - It is so dreadfully expensive.

Gent - No, really I know a place where you can buy six packets for ten-and-sixpence.

Lady - It is so deliciously soft, I cannot think how I could have put up with old newspapers.

Gent - May I send you half a dozen?

Lady - Thanks very much.

Gent - What a very disagreeable smell, I think our vis-a-vis must have farted.

Lady - No, it's that conceited thing on your left. I saw her cough behind her hand and pull her dress out.

Gent - You must forgive me but, do you know, I thought at first it was you.

Lady - Oh, you naughty satirical man.

Gent - What a troublesome complaint is piles!

Lady - Yes, poor mama and my sisters have them shockingly.

Gent - And you, come now, confess.

Lady - No, indeed, and indeed.

Gent - Not a little bit?

Lady - No, not a bit.

Gent - Do you find that your bowels act with regularity?

Lady - Quite so, thank you for your kind enquiries, I go punctually every ten days or so.

Gent - Now that is very naughty of you, you ought to go every morning.

Lady - But the seat is so dreadfully cold to sit down on in this nasty weather.

Gent - Might I warm it for you?

Lady - What would mama say?

(Here you see, the conversation is gliding into a flirtation and should be diverted unless you have honourable intentions. If you have, it may continue as follows:)

Gent - Your mama would say we were two cozy dicky birds to bolt ourselves into the water-closet.

Lady - But you would go away after you had warmed the seat, would you not, because I might make a little noise?

Gent - If it played a pretty tune I would love it.

Lady - And would you rumple the paper for me?

Gent - All day long.

Lady - For little me only and for no one else?

Gent - For no one but you would I rumple a particle of paper. Is it not extraordinary that there are no public urinals for ladies?

Lady - You men would be always standing about the doors,

Gent - But you ought to have them built like ours, you know, with the trough projecting a little further.

Lady - Butter-boat fashion, how very nice.

The Bankrupt Bawd.[edit]

Tune - "Vicar of Bray."

Near Jermyn Street a bawd did trade
In credit, style and splendour,
Well known to every high-bred blade,
And those of doubtful gender.
How nature once, in marring mood,
Her body formed, I'll tell ye,
Upon her back a swelling stood,
To mock her barren belly.


For some succeed and others fail
That into commerce enter.
So few are chaste and many frail
In this great trading center.

In coney skins her commerce lay,
A charming stock she'd laid in;
She ne'er to smugglers fell a prey,
Her practice was fair trading.
These skins when dressed were red and white,
The fur of each fair creature,
Of different hues, as day and night,
Kept warm man's naked nature.

Chorus: For some succeed, etc.

The trading stock of this old bawd
A vital stab sustain'd, sir,
The news like wild-fire flew abroad,
Each customer complairid, sir.

Some coney skins lay with a lot
By caution uninspected;
So quarantine, alas, forgot,
Foul plague the whole infected.

Chorus: For some succeed, etc.

Now old and young her shop forsook,
Insolvent was her plight, sir,
When Habeas Corpus catch-pole took
Her body off by night, sir,
From Banco regis civil law,
To liquidate her debt, sir,
Between the sheets this old bawd saw
Of London's fam'd Gazette, sir.

Chorus: For some succeed, etc.

To give each creditor his due,
Three men, the Lord's anointed,
Jack Wilkes, Lord Sandwich and Old Q
Were assignees appointed;
But luckless bawd! the after day
Her stock on fire they found, sir;
So 'twas agreed she could not pay
A condom in the pound, sir.

Chorus: For some succeed, etc.

The skin (her own) this bawd had left,
Each assignee did handle;
'Twas found of all its fur bereft,
By singeing flame of candle;
Same butter'd buns concealed within,
Old Q's keen eye beset, sir;
So Wilkes defin'd this coney skin
A fund for floating debt, sir.

Chorus: For some succeed, etc.

By headlong lust her claimants led,
They seized her mortal treasure;
The furious coney skin was spread,
A dividend past measure.
No wall came in, not one stood out;
The bawd was set at large, sir;
Her coney skin (of worth, no doubt),
Did every man discharge, sir.

Chorus: For some succeed, etc.


Cease, foolish painters, Hercules to draw
With wooden club, inspiring man with awe;

A different club that here should adorn,
This god's most powerful weapon is the horn;

No mightier spear than that the champion hurls,
With which one night he fucked three score of girls!

A crowd of grave enquirers made resort,
To where the learned doctors held their court;

And asked them who had been that serpent brute,
Which tempted mother Eve to eat the fruit?

"Ye silly men," the sages did reply,
"Why do you waste your time and ours, oh, why?

Eve's tempting snake was but a long and thick,
Great, knotty, ruddy, massy, mighty prick!"

Always, except on Sabbath days,
Nell with her busy needle plays;
But not the milliner's needle, Miss!

No, 'tis the sailor's needle, dear!
That shows the mariner how to steer
Right through the ocean of her piss.

The Editor of the Standard is a good-natured fellow, ever ready to attend the wants of his customers, more especially when they happen to be good-looking members of the fair sex.

The following conversation which recently took place in the office of the Standard, fully carries out our assertion:

Enters Lady:[edit]

Lady - Is the Editor in?

Editor - Yes, Madame, what can I do for you?

Lady - I desire an article inserted and should like you to put it in for me.

Editor - Certainly, with pleasure, if you will first show it to me, so that I may see what it is like.

Lady - I wish a situation as a wet nurse and should like to get a good healthy boy.

(Editor prepares this advertisement and shows it to the Lady, who likes the look of it and wishes it to be put in at once, and asks the price.)

Editor - How often shall you want it put in?

Lady - Well, I cannot tell! That will depend whether it is taken or not; but what will you charge for inserting it three times?

Editor - One dollar for putting it in three times.

Lady - Oh, how dear! You might do it for me for less!

Editor - No, Madame, we have so many ladies to oblige, that is our lowest price for inserting three times such an article as you ask for.

Lady - Well, suppose you do not get me a baby in three times, how much will you charge me for three times more?

Editor - Why Madame, if you can manage to keep the affair standing after that, for one dollar more I will put it in as often as you like, till I get you a child; that is, of course, provided the ink continues to flow.

Flunkeyania; or Belgravian Morals.[edit]



Honour amongst maid-servants, you would have thought so, had you but seen how Sophy and Lucy, after receiving the Duke's retaining fee, worked for his pleasure in hopes of getting a refresher when he retired.

Nor were their labours in vain. Yet, I verily believe he had stimulated himself by a dose of tincture of cantharides, phosphodyne, or something of that sort, for he was a perfect goat.

Lucy in her nightdress was sitting on the edge of the bed with a finger between her thighs, evidently trying to impress upon his Grace the necessity of another bit of flimsy for her bedfellow; and from what I could only partially hear, he made that depend on how they pleased him first.

Although I could not hear all that was said, what I saw will enable me to supply the dialogue.

Lucy now proceeded to business by suddenly throwing the bedclothes off Sophy, whose chemise she turned up, and began to smack her lily-white bum before she could very well help herself.

I could see the red marks flush on her tender skin at every slap. This seemed greatly to please the Duke, who did his best to prevent the helpless girl from getting up.

Sophy struggled desperately, looking both flushed and cross but afraid to call out for fear of making too much noise.

His Grace had gone on his expedition in slippers and dressing-gown. So when this slapping was over; he slipped off his only coverings, and dropping the slippers, had nothing but his stockings on as he jumped on the bed between the two girls, his great affair as stiff and ready as possible.

Sophy was the first to take possession of that red-headed prize. She was evidently excited by the rough usage of her posteriors and begged to be comforted at once.

"So you shall, my dear," said the Duke, "and let your bedfellow straddle over my face, that I can tickle her up with my tongue whilst you ride my cock."

This was a luscious sight and raised all my own lustful feelings quite to burst point, till, as they all seemed to come together, I actually emitted in my breeches.

After this, each of them sucked his prick and balls by turn, till he mounted Lucy and fucked her like a satyr; Sophy all the while kissing and fondling his testicles and working one finger in his arse-hole to excite him to the utmost.

Even this did not exhaust him, for he gamahuched them by turns, and even did the "La Rose" trick of the French women, by frigging their bottoms with his long tongue, which seemed to drive them almost mad. They got his prick in a glorious state again, and at his request, both knelt down on hands and knees, presenting their bottoms to him. What a surprise I had, for he buried that great bursting prick of his in each arse-hole in turn, and then for a change, in their cunts. He made it last awfully long and I could see plainly by their wriggles of delight and the subdued ejaculations of pleasure which I heard, such as: "How nice - lovely - delicious. How you do make me come. Oh, do spend into me," etc., as each girl was also busy frigging herself as well.

At last it was over. I saw him taking the second fiver out of his dressing-gown. So, turning from the keyhole, I retraced my steps. Everyone to his taste, I reflected, as I quickly and cautiously descended the stairs on my homeward journey. And yet again, I thought, a man might do worse; and if I had not been so exceptionally fortunate, as I am, I might be very glad of two such buxom lasses as Sophy and Lucy.

These reflections brought me to the door of the Duchess of Dashwood (quite in another part of the house from that of the Duke) and here I essayed to make my knocking with my knuckles.

But whether Juliette was in the arms of Morpheus or of one of our young footmen, or of M. Duroque, or of all three, I cannot tell; but at any rate, I could not obtain admittance, until I heard the bolt withdrawn and the voice of the Earl, my master, telling me to come in.

I entered accordingly and made a full report of what I had seen, much to the pretended surprise of His Lordship, but not at all to the surprise of the Duchess, who declared with considerable emphasis, "It was just like him!"

She, then totally oblivious of my presence, as it seemed and of her own dishabille, which might be charming but was somewhat remarkable for her own peculiar situation, that is to say, a married woman comfortably in bed with another woman's husband - totally forgetful of all these trifles as it seemed - she began to expatiate upon the enormities perpetrated by his Grace of Dashwood.

Of the valuable impulse he had given to the population in his neighbourhood through the medium of the farmers' daughters and pretty cottage-girls; that she never could keep a decent-looking chamber-maid or housemaid in the castle - that in London he was worse, if possible - that she suspected him of improper conduct with Mademoiselle Juliette, the best soubrette she ever had, and was getting on at a great rate, when the Earl politely reminded her that my presence in the room was no longer required and suggested that I should be allowed to retire, which her Grace cordially agreed to, commenting at the same time upon my manners and general appearance in a style which I may be forgiven for not repeating, but which suggested my having found favour in her eyes.

As the reader may believe, I took particularly good care to report to my Lady on the following morning all that I had seen regarding the Duke and Duchess.

As concerned the proceeding of the former there was no embellishment required; a plain unvarnished statement of facts was all that I dared venture on and it was enough in all conscience.

But where her Grace and my Lady's husbands were concerned, I must plead guilty, I fear, to having thrown in a little colouring, suggested a few natural touches in fact, that brought out (so to speak) the prominent features of the picture into high relief.

The trifling episode about Juliette coming by herself into my room and assisting at my toilet, I thought it judicious to say nothing about whatever.

My report produced, as might be expected, a variety of conflicting emotions in the mind of Lady Pomeroy.

But while she was reflecting, I suppose as to what opinion to express, Justine, like a favoured girl, took the liberty to open the ball with: "Pray, Master Ernest, when you were bound on such an errand why did you not call at my room and take me with you? Two witnesses would have been better than one, you know."

I replied with as much gravity as I could, though I could hardly suppress a laugh, that I could not think of introducing such youthful purity to such a scene of licentious sensuality.

At this remark, notwithstanding her vexation, my Lady Pomeroy fairly smiled, and I think that Justine would have boxed my ears if she had dared.

Then she continued her examination by asking if: "That wretch, Juliette, was in the room when I made my report to the Duchess?"

"No, she was not," I briefly answered.

"And where the dev- (it was nearly out) -was she then?"

"How should I know?" was my reply.

"Rocking somebody to sleep, I presume; Lady Georgiana, or M. Duroque, or somebody else."

"Hush, Justine," said the Countess now laughing, "you are too forward, and as for your report, Ernest, it is all very disgusting of course, but it is very painstaking and faithful on your part, and it is a comfort to know that I shall not be I bothered with the attentions of that brute of a Duke, while he is here; and I'll take care that Justine is not annoyed. As for those two fools of housemaids, I shan't take any notice of their conduct; it would only create a general scandal. Of course I knew that my Lord misbehaved himself grossly with the Duchess but did not know that she abandoned herself so completely when there was a third party, and a handsome young man, in the room. What is your opinion on the subject?"

To this I replied with all becoming indifference that it was a subject on which I hardly felt competent to express an opinion, when in the presence of such a good judge as Her Ladyship, but as far as my own personal feelings were concerned, that her Grace's self-abandonment and forgetfulness of the barriers which modesty might have interposed in the presence of a third party, produced no effect whatever. And that I had lately been taking lessons in an academy of such a very superior grade to that in which it appeared her Grace had taken her degrees, that I consider myself too proficient to require instruction from her in any branch of learning whatever.

Of course this speech was understood precisely as I intended it to be.

Justine laughed and my lovely mistress smiled and coloured and said that I was "a silly, flattering boy," but seemed very much gratified nevertheless.

I was then dismissed for the present, under directions to attend her Grace when she took Lady Georgiana out for a drive in the afternoon.

I could not help laughing in my sleeve, as I wondered whether they would drive in the direction of her Lady's nurse, who lived in a certain obscure street, or if Miss Courtney would be picked up anywhere and make a third inside passenger.

According to the old adage a third makes bad company, but under these circumstances I do not think that either of the ladies would have objected to the addition.

However, I may as well say at once that nothing of any consequence occurred during the drive. That is, nothing at all ostensible to speak about.

If any conversation took place between the ladies that produced some effect on them shortly afterwards, I cannot tell for a certainty, as of course could hear nothing of it. But, judging from the hints thrown out by my Lady Pomeroy to Lady Georgiana and her longing to see her haughtiness and scorn of men brought down to a proper level, and connecting these suggestions with a mysterious adventure which befell me the day after the ladies drove out together, I cannot but think that Her Ladyship had some hand herself in bringing about the fulfillment of her own predictions.

On that day as it happened, or most probably it was selected on purpose, the Duke and Duchess and the Earl had gone to the theatre; the Countess desiring to remain at home and Lady Georgiana stayed to keep her company.

It had become quite late in the evening and as my services were not required, I was sitting by myself, when Juliette came in without knocking, silently and mysteriously, as once before, but not with the same results. She merely came, as she said, to tell me that my presence was required.


Never mind, I was required, that was enough, and very flattering to me!

Moreover it was absolutely requisite that my eyes should be bandaged.

Now, I was no fool and I was pretty certain that no harm could come to me in the Earl's mansion at any rate. Moreover, if my eyes were bandaged, my hands were free; besides, I may as well confess to my readers that my last association with my eyes bandaged, or more nearly proposed to be bandaged, was an extremely agreeable one; so after a faint show of objection I submitted, having a pretty strong notion of the object of the grand adventure.

I was then led by my conductress up one passage and down another, evidently for the purpose of puzzling me, and this was successful, for on being ushered into a room, I certainly could not make out where I was. That the room was comfortable and with some luxurious articles of furniture in it, there was no doubt. Also that there were two or three females in it, I was persuaded, for I heard low whisperings, some of an argumentative character. Some as if in fun, and some seemed made in allusion to me in connection with some sport or other.

But I was not such a fool as not to make a shrewd guess as to what sort of sport was likely to take place, when a few merry young women have got a handsome young man in a room among them, with his eyes bandaged, and awaited my fate with becoming fortitude.

I had not long to wait.

I heard someone give a whispered persuasion, some more giggling and then violent hands were laid upon me. I don't mean to say that I was hurt or that the hands laid upon me were particularly rough, but at any other time I would have protested against indignities offered to me; under the circumstances I considered it wiser and pleasanter to hold my tongue and submit to my fate.

So I did. So would my reader if he had such a chance. Fancy yourself blindfolded as I was, and fancy several pairs of delicate soft hands pulling off your clothes, till there was no rag on your body except your stockings and the handkerchief over your eyes. How would you like to hear a soft, gentle voice as pleasant as a rippling brook, say: "Look at that beauty, won't you kiss its ruby head?" Then a soft hand takes John Thomas, gently draws back the foreskin and you first feel the warm breath, then the touch of the velvety tongue of some beauty who, you instinctively know, feels her blood at that moment in a boil of voluptuously longing excitement.

You are drawn softly to a couch, laid gently on your back, and some delightful creature splits herself upon your rod, rides it with spirit, till just the ecstatic moment; her lips are glued to yours in long lusciously amorous kisses, as the soul-dissolving emission mixes the male and female semen in one life-giving stream of pleasure.

She rolls aside and another fair creature takes her place before you have time to lose your stiffness. (Fresh cunt, fresh courage.) On you go for a steeple-chase of love again, again you come together! Each time I tasted the heavenly bliss of coition, if possible, in a more delightful degree, for I had four of them, one after another, before they allowed me to get up.

Then the darlings dressed me, but made such a pretended muddle of getting on my trousers, as they laughingly tried to put my limp prick away comfortably in its place, it got so handled and squeezed that I had the horn as ever. So, seizing the first one I could hold, I bore her to the floor, up with her dress and into her reeking cunny in less time than it takes to write it.

This was a delicious bout, for the others laughed and slapped our bottoms all the while as we wriggled on the carpet. I was so delighted I am sure I made my partner spend three times before I was subdued, and she lay listlessly beneath me in the after lethargy of satisfied desire.

Whilst feeling her beautiful legs my hands came upon a small loose strap which I slyly slipped into my trousers as I put away the limp engine of love, thinking perhaps to make out my antagonist when I examined the colours I had captured on the sly.

I was kissed and sent away in charge of Juliette and soon found myself in my own room again.

It was a most mysterious story, but I had obtained a slight clue, a very slight one certainly, when my conductress advised me to put myself in order as I should probably be required to wait upon my mistress and Lady Georgiana at the supper- table.

But no sooner was her back turned than I inspected the little waif or stray I had secured in my pocket and found, as I expected, that it was neither more nor less than a lady's garter, and one of a colour and make that I had never seen before.

Anyhow, the next morning Mlle. Juliette was making anxious enquiries about one of her Lady's elastics which I at once offered to restore on condition of being allowed to replace it. And if anyone considers this affords a clue to my mysterious adventure they are welcome to it. I have no opinion to offer except that it is time to wind up my story.

The Earl of Pomeroy and the Duchess of Dashwood never visited the theatre on the eventful evening I have just described; the Duke, who could not obtain a divorce, filled his house with such bad company that his daughter, the Lady Georgiana, has obtained permission to live under the protection of her particular friend, the Countess of Pomeroy.

Justine and I, being so comfortably fixed and quite young as yet, think it would be folly to marry at present and so we retain our confidential stations.


Memoranda From Mr. P-.[edit]

Mr. Reddie used to call me Petro, as a short familiar name; but whilst he lodged with me at my house, Brecknock Crescent, Camden Town (N.B.- This is where I first was introduced to Mr. Reddie), I was continually afraid he would bring himself or both of us into serious trouble.

Once, I remember, we went to Margate for a few weeks at the seaside, and the landlady of the house where we stopped had a very good-looking son, a youth not over fifteen, if quite so old. Mr. Reddie was in love at once, but how to win the boy over was the difficulty.

"Petro," he would say, "I must fuck that boy or go out of my mind from frigging myself as I lie in bed and think of him. How can we manage it, old boy?"

I recommended patience, and an opportunity would be sure to turn up.

"Treat him well, and let's take him out for a bathe or a walk with us whenever he will go," I said.

My advice was taken. Young Frank was soon quite at home in our rooms and evidently pleased at being made such a favourite by the lodgers, who were always treating him to cakes, wine or fruit.

We took several promenades with him as companion, and in a few days he also regularly accompanied us and shared the same machine with us when we bathed.

How we joked him about his little doodle, asked him if it would stand stiff and about boys playing with each other's cocks at school. This was of course done very carefully and gradually, and we began to think him discreet enough as he had often assured us that he told no tales out of school, when we gave him shillings or half-crowns.

His mother was a buxom woman of about eight and thirty, who had been left a widow for some years, her husband having been in the Civil Service, but died after they had been married about ten years.

Now Mrs. Glover was decidedly more to my taste than the boy. So I made assiduous courtship of her on my own account, for Mr. Reddie couldn't even bear for a woman to touch him.

Her bedroom was next to mine, and I had a peephole so that I could watch all her movements as she dressed or undressed, and had often noticed how she sometimes looked at her cunt in the glass and seemed to sigh as if thinking of past joys. One night in particular, before sitting on the chamber-pot as usual before getting into bed, she seated herself on the bedside drawing up her night-chemise to her navel, whilst she at first gently frigged her clitoris with a couple of fingers. I could see the little piece of flesh stand out quite excitedly. Her fingers worked nervously for a moment or two, as her face began to flush, and her bosom to heave with emotion, when all of a sudden, she fell backwards on the bed in the act of spending, her legs wide open, allowing me to see clearly a few pearly drops glistening on her busy fingers.

Now was my chance. I had observed she never locked her door. My prick was rampant for such a glorious fuck, as I believed she would be, and having only my shirt and stockings on, I noiselessly opened my door as well as her own so quietly as to be quite unperceived by my luscious victim, as she lay gasping on the bed, from the effects of her copious emission. I had previously well oiled the locks of both doors on the sly.

Stooping down, so that she would not see my approach and having neither boots nor slippers on my feet, I soon was kneeling between her open legs and gazing my fill at the delicious throbbing cunt of my landlady. She still lay with two fingers right in, but not frigging. The mark was fair and open, so, slowly rising, I brought the nose of my impatient prick within an inch of the spot. It was then very gently touched. There was a kind of spasmodic twitch of sympathy, but she did not otherwise seem to notice it, and I could see her eyes were closed.

Mr. Peaslin went on gently to insinuate himself and fortunately for my game-cock, the spending had oiled her so that I gained an inch or two, and then with a sudden plunge as I clasped her round the hips, I was three-quarters entered in a moment.

What a start she gave, but seemed to have the presence of mind not to scream.

"Oh, Heavens, sir, what are you about? I'm ruined! Leave me, you wicked man, this instant!" she exclaimed, as I could see the tears start to her eyes, and the deep blush of shame overspread her face.

"Not yet, my darling Mrs. Glover! I had a peephole and the sight of you fingering yourself drove me quite mad with desire. Now, won't you forgive me? I couldn't help myself," I replied, as I seized the opportunity to push on to victory, and felt myself buried to the hilt in her throbbing sheath.

I lay on her kissing and imploring for forgiveness, making my prick throb inside of her as I did so, and at last she faintly smiled my pardon. I need not tell you more, how we used to sleep together every night, and that our liaison quite blinded her to our intentions regarding Master Frank.

We soon proceeded to all sorts of indecencies with the youth. Mr. Reddie and myself would compare the immense difference in the size of our pricks before him in the bathing-machine (Reddie's was a very small one, not five inches). We asked him to feel and judge for himself. The very touch of his delicate soft youthful hand made the seed shoot from me, which you may be sure immensely surprise the lad, and made him blush scarlet, so that we were afraid of having gone too far.

Another morning Mr. Reddie gamahuched him till he spent in his mouth and seemed to enjoy the sucking, after which we handled each other's pricks and he amused himself with them, until we emitted our juice, mine spurting all over his belly as he stood in front of me. Then we went into the sea to refresh ourselves and afterwards made him a present of half a sovereign, which his innocent mother, I believe, thought was only a delicate way of pleasing herself.

A day or two after this, Mr. Reddie pretended to be obliged to return to town for two or three days and we easily persuaded Mrs. Glover to allow Frank to go with us, and I promised to show him all the sights, while Mr. Reddie was attending to his business; this she also took as another kindness to herself and we started on our journey.

We took apartments in town at the house of a Mrs. Anderson (an old friend of Mr. Reddie's where he was always safe to do as he pleased). They consisted of a sitting-room and bedroom adjoining, the latter with two beds in it so that Frank had to sleep with either one of us.

Then we showed him a fine collection of coloured plates of boys and girls, boys with boys or men, etc., some of the latter plainly showing they had got their cocks in their partners' bottoms.

"You'll let him do it to you, Petro, won't you?" appealed Mr. Reddie as he whispered in ecstasy: "I shall soon be landed now!"

There was no object on my part; his little cock couldn't hurt me. Besides, I had a great fancy for it at the moment, and told him he must put his arms around my waist and handle my cock and make it come.

Frank was quite pleased to try. His youthful affair was quite stiff and hard at the idea of having a man.

We threw off everything and I knelt down on all fours on the hearth-rug. Then, Mr. Reddie guided Frank's prick to my arse-hole and he soon wriggled it in whilst his hand clasped and frigged my big cock in front. It was so extraordinarily exciting to my ideas that I spent at once, and clasped one of my hands round each of his wrists to make him frig quicker; also to secure him in case he flinched from Reddie's assault.

My friend had already got a finger well greased with cold cream up Frank's fundament which the boy seemed to enjoy rather than not, as I might judge by the increasing activity of his little prick in my arse.

"Now, Frank," said Mr. Reddie, "you will let me try to have you, won't you, you dear boy? It won't hurt."

I had previously taken a looking-glass from the dressing-table and placed it on the floor, so I could see every motion of both of my companions. With one hand Reddie was caressing the cock and balls of the boy, as he fucked my bottom, whilst his right hand presents his prick to the tight little pink arse-hole which kept bobbing towards him.

Frank winced a little at the attack; but Reddie being small, as I have said, had no difficulty in effectually getting into him. How his face flushed and his eyes sparkled with delight as he almost screamed out: "I'm in, oh, delicious! I'm landed at last, Petro, my dear fellow! I'm coming - I can't stop!"

This made me come again and I also felt Frank spend at the same moment. We kept our places and had another splendid bottom-fuck before separating.

My prick was too big to get into either of my companions but I loved to have the boy fuck me, and frig me whilst Reddie had him.

The very thought of that adventure makes my old pego stand at any moment.

The Rev. Kettle of Battersea met on the Rhine-boat a lady who had not seen him for years. "How do you do, Mr. Kettle, I heard you were married. Any family?"

"Yes, Madame, six."

"Six, dear me! how many are boys and how many girls?"

"The number is divided, Madame, there are six little Kettles, three with spouts, three without."

Things I Don't Like To See.[edit]

I'm a modest young man, I'd have you all know,
And I can't bear to hear or to see anything low;
From a child all my friends could not fail to detect,
That my notions were moral and strictly correct.

Now some of you, doubtless, may think me an ass,
And declare my confession is naught for a farce;
Still, to what I have said I'll religiously stick,
And, to use a low phrase, stand my ground like a brick.

Stop, a few minutes you are able to spare,
A bit of my mind I intend to lay bare;
Tho' with my way of thinking you'll p'raps not agree,
I'll tell you a few things I don't like to see.

I don't like to see vulgar girls in the town
Pull their clothes up, and stand to be goosed for a crown;
Nor a man with light trousers, of decency shorn,
Stop and talk to young ladies while having the horn.

I don't like to see women wear dirty smocks,
Nor a boy of fifteen laid' up with the pox;
And I don't like to see, it's a fact by my life—
A married man grinding another man's wife.

Nor I don't like to see - you'll not doubt it, I beg,
A large linseed poultice slip down a man's leg;
Nor a gray-headed sinner that's fond of a find.
When a girl under twelve he is able to grind.

In church, too, believe me, I don't like to see
A chap grope a girl while she sits on his knee;
Nor a lady whose visage is allover scabs,
Nor a young married lady troubled with crabs.

Nor I don't like to see, through it's really a lark,
A clergyman poking a girl in the park;
Nor a young lady, wishing to be thought discreet,
Looking in print-shops in Holywell Street.

I don't like to see, coming out of Cremorne,
A girl with her muslin much crumpled and torn;
Arm in arm with a fellow who's had the mishap,
To forget, when he shagged her, to button his flap.

Nor I don't like to see, though some think it a treat.
A young woman scratching her thing in the street;
And a boarding-school miss, with no sense in her pate.
Sit and chalk a man's tool on the back of her slate.

I don't like to see, in the bright face of the day,
A man stand and piss in the public highway;
Nor a Newfoundland dog, without any disguise.
Tied fast to a bitch not a quarter his size.

Nor I don't like to see, little sisters and brothers
Get playing at what they call fathers and mothers;
And I don't like to see, though at me you might scoff,
An old woman trying to toss herself off.

I don't like to see - it's a fact that I utter -
That nasty word — written up on a shutter:
And I don't like to see a man, drunk as an Earl.
Getting into a lamp-post thinking it's a girl.

I don't like to see, 'cause my feelings it shocks.
Two girls busy playing with each other's c-;
Nor I don't like to see, though it may be a whim.
A hole like a pit-mouth in place of a q-.

But I fear I'm encroaching too much on your time,
So I'll put an end to my quizzical rhyme;
Though with my way of taste you'll perhaps not agree,
I've told you the things I don't like to see.

A' That and A' That.[edit]

Put butter in my Donald's brose,
For weel does Donald fa that;
I love my Donald's tartan hose,
His naked prick, and a' that.

For a' that and a' that,
And twice as mickle as a' that:
The lassie get a skelpit gnat,
But wan the day for a' that.

For Donald swore a solemn oath,
By his first hairy gravat,
That he would fight the battle there,
And fuck the lass and a' that.

Chorus: For a' that and a' that, etc.

His hairy cock, both side and wide,
Hung like a beggar's wallet;
His prick stood like a rolling-pin,
She nicker'dwhen she saw that.

Chorus: For a' that and a' that, etc.

And then she turned up her cunt,
And she bade Donald claw that;
The devil's dizzen Donald drew,
And Donald gave her a' that.

Chorus: For a' that and a' that, etc.


Boss returning from the wars,
Wearied out with wounds and jars,
Tells the tale of blood and strife,
Woe and suffering to his wife;
"Never mind, dear Boss," she said,
"Your tool is safe - let's go to bed."

Through my brain strange musings ran,
Deeply pondering: "What is man?"
Still the question I resolve,
Philosophic doubts to solve:
"What is man? I'll tell you true,
He's but a pizzle's dirty spew!"

Lines for Valentines.[edit]

What a fate this poor girl in her lovers befalls,
A prickless old man, and a youth without balls.
Boast not that you have won a rich wife,
Length of tool, not of purse, makes the comfort of life.

Your prick is so useless for love's pleasant game,
Your nose long and hooky and fuck of such muck,
Go, stick then your nose in the cunt of your dame,
And you'll have at one go both a blow and a fuck.

To his bed he went sleepy and drunk, oh, very!
He wanted to piss, felt about for the jerry,
Took up by mischance a big mousetrap instead,
Which snapped off, alas! his old gentleman's head!


To Be Sold—A Bargain

A Maidenhead[edit]

(Slightly Soiled)

The owner being about to get married is willing to sell the above by auction. Further particulars will be announced in the next number of THE PEARL.

To the Lovers of Good Things.[edit]

Messrs. Rogers, Rosencrantz and Co., Importers of Foreign Females, and other Curiosities, beg to announce the arrival of a cargo per steamship Orient, direct from Zululand, of young girls of all ages from 8 to 16 years of age, all genuine virgins which will be offered for selection any time next' week. Terms - C.O.D.

N.B. - As this class of goods is extremely perishable buyers must remove their purchases at their own risk.

Orders from the country per post carefully attended to; and the girls sent sealed with our trade-mark over their cunnies, without which we do not guarantee them.


Rev. Newman Hall will lecture on "The Conduct of Lot and His Daughters," December 20. Illustrated with Dissolving views of the Paternal Pego entering the Daughters' Cunts.

Also January 7: "Solomon In All His Glory," with 700 wives and 300 concubines; being an attempt to elucidate the mystery of how he gave satisfaction to them all.

Rev. J. Spurgeon will Address the Young Woman's Christian Association on the subject of:


With practical examples of the advantage of removing the hood or foreskin from the penis.

Admission to women only. No collection.