The Surgeon's Warning

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The Surgeon's Warning.[edit]

The subject of this parody was given me by a friend, to whom also I am indebted for some of the stanzas.

Respecting the patent coffins herein mentioned, after the manner of Catholic Poets, who confess the actions they attribute to their Saints and Deity to be but fiction, I hereby declare that it is by no means my design to depreciate that useful invention; and all persons to whom this Ballad shall come are requested to take notice, that nothing here asserted concerning the aforesaid Coffins is true, except that the maker and patentee lives by St. Martin's Lane.


THE SURGEONS' WARNING.


The Doctor whispered to the Nurse
    And the Surgeon knew what he said,
And he grew pale at the Doctor's tale
    And trembled in his sick bed.

Now fetch me my brethren and fetch them with speed
    The Surgeon affrighted said,
The Parson and the Undertaker,
    Let them hasten or I shall be dead.

The Parson and the Undertaker
    They hastily came complying,
And the Surgeon's Prentices ran up stairs
    When they heard that their master was dying.

The Prentices all they entered the room
    By one, by two, by three,

With a sly grin came Joseph in,
    First of the company.

The Surgeon swore as they enter'd his door,
    'Twas fearful his oaths to hear,--
Now send these scoundrels to the Devil,
    For God's sake my brethren dear.

He foam'd at the mouth with the rage he felt
    And he wrinkled his black eye-brow,
That rascal Joe would be at me I know,
    But zounds let him spare me now.

Then out they sent the Prentices,
    The fit it left him weak,
He look'd at his brothers with ghastly eyes,
    And faintly struggled to speak.

All kinds of carcasses I have cut up,
    And the judgment now must be--
But brothers I took care of you,
    So pray take care of me!

I have made candles of infants fat
    The Sextons have been my slaves,
I have bottled babes unborn, and dried
    Hearts and livers from rifled graves.

And my Prentices now will surely come
    And carve me bone from bone,
And I who have rifled the dead man's grave
    Shall never have rest in my own.

Bury me in lead when I am dead,
    My brethren I intreat,
And see the coffin weigh'd I beg
    Lest the Plumber should be a cheat.

And let it be solder'd closely down
    Strong as strong can be I implore,
And put it in a patent coffin,
    That I may rise no more.

If they carry me off in the patent coffin
    Their labour will be in vain,
Let the Undertaker see it bought of the maker
    Who lives by St. Martin's lane.

And bury me in my brother's church
    For that will safer be,
And I implore lock the church door
    And pray take care of the key.

And all night long let three stout men
    The vestry watch within,
To each man give a gallon of beer
    And a keg of Holland's gin;

Powder and ball and blunder-buss
    To save me if he can,
And eke five guineas if he shoot
    A resurrection man.

And let them watch me for three weeks
    My wretched corpse to save,
For then I think that I may stink
    Enough to rest in my grave.

The Surgeon laid him down in his bed,
    His eyes grew deadly dim,
Short came his breath and the struggle of death
    Distorted every limb.

They put him in lead when he was dead
    And shrouded up so neat,
And they the leaden coffin weigh
    Lest the Plumber should be a cheat.

They had it solder'd closely down
    And examined it o'er and o'er,
And they put it in a patent coffin
    That he might rise no more.

For to carry him off in a patent coffin
    Would they thought be but labour in vain,
So the Undertaker saw it bought of the maker
    Who lives by St. Martin's lane.

In his brother's church they buried him
    That safer he might be,
They lock'd the door and would not trust
    The Sexton with the key.

And three men in the vestry watch
    To save him if they can,
And should he come there to shoot they swear
    A resurrection man.

And the first night by lanthorn light
    Thro' the church-yard as they went,
A guinea of gold the sexton shewed
    That Mister Joseph sent.

But conscience was tough, it was not enough
    And their honesty never swerved,
And they bade him go with Mister Joe
    To the Devil as he deserved.

So all night long by the vestry fire
    They quaff'd their gin and ale,
And they did drink as you may think
    And told full many a tale.

The second night by lanthorn light
    Thro' the church-yard as they went,
He whisper'd anew and shew'd them two
    That Mister Joseph sent.

The guineas were bright and attracted their sight
    They look'd so heavy and new,
And their fingers itch'd as they were bewitch'd
    And they knew not what to do.

But they waver'd not long for conscience was strong
    And they thought they might get more,
And they refused the gold, but not
    So rudely as before.

So all night long by the vestry fire
    They quaff'd their gin and ale,
And they did drink as you may think
    And told full many a tale.

The third night as by lanthorn light
    Thro' the church-yard they went,
He bade them see and shew'd them three
    That Mister Joseph sent.

They look'd askance with eager glance,
    The guineas they shone bright,
For the Sexton on the yellow gold
    Let fall his lanthorn light.

And he look'd sly with his roguish eye
    And gave a well-tim'd wink,
And they could not stand the sound in his hand
    For he made the guineas chink.

And conscience late that had such weight,
    All in a moment fails,
For well they knew that it was true
    A dead man told no tales,

And they gave all their powder and ball
    And took the gold so bright,
And they drank their beer and made good cheer,
    Till now it was midnight.

Then, tho' the key of the church door
    Was left with the Parson his brother,
It opened at the Sexton's touch--
    Because he had another.

And in they go with that villain Joe
    To fetch the body by night,
And all the church look'd dismally
    By his dark lanthorn light.

They laid the pick-axe to the stones
    And they moved them soon asunder.
They shovell'd away the hard-prest clay
    And came to the coffin under.

They burst the patent coffin first
    And they cut thro' the lead,
And they laugh'd aloud when they saw the shroud
    Because they had got at the dead.

And they allowed the Sexton the shroud
    And they put the coffin back,
And nose and knees they then did squeeze
    The Surgeon in a sack.

The watchmen as they past along
    Full four yards off could smell,
And a curse bestowed upon the load
    So disagreeable.

So they carried the sack a-pick-a-back
    And they carv'd him bone from bone,
But what became of the Surgeon's soul
    Was never to mortal known.

This work was published before January 1, 1924, and is in the public domain worldwide because the author died at least 100 years ago.