The Truth about Marriage/Chapter6
CHAPTER VI
TAKING THE GAMBLE OUT OF MARRIAGE
The only true basis for marriage is mutual love.
But this love must be based upon mutual respect. When a man feels that he can trample on the rights and privileges and happiness of a woman he ought not to marry her.
For this reason we can see why the so-called marriages of the past among many peoples, notably where the woman was purchased or stolen, was not apt to be a marriage, but the woman was merely a plaything of a man to be tossed aside when he felt like it, as a child might drop a plaything, or else she was a servant, or worst of all a mere slave.
It takes a very high degree of civilization and spiritual development for one human being to treat another well when that other has no rights or privileges that one must respect.
We see therefore the importance of a woman being considered as a human being, with equal rights and privileges as man, but it has taken a long time to bring such a situation about. Men would never have given women their natural rights if it had depended on them. So I say hurrah for the women who have secured the rights of women.
Actually the Christian religion has brought about both the freedom of the slave and of womankind. It took a long time to do it, but the Bible showed a few men, who by the way were not slave-owners, the brutality of slavery, and the Bible showed women that they were not to continue as playthings of men, their servants, nor their slaves. The Christian religion has given dignity to womanhood, and compelled the respect of men.
So I hail the freedom of womankind with joy because of what it means not only to the happiness and welfare of women, but of the men as well.
If a man marries a girl or a woman that he considers in any way inferior to him, or one that he can easily take advantage of, he is almost sure to take advantage of her. So I would advise the men folks, for their own happiness, not to marry a woman that they consider inferior. A man must respect the woman that he marries and treat her with respect.
Of course, some men treat all human beings well, whether they are men or women, whether they are rich or poor, learned or unlearned; but they do it because of high principles within themselves.
It is the rule for many of us, because of our imperfect human nature, however, to treat people who are not so well-off or as cultured as ourselves with a certain degree of condescension. In a marriage the man must respect deeply the woman he marries, or else not even he can be truly happy, and of course the woman in such a case would live miserably.
Therefore we see how delightful it is of the Divine that He implants in the heart of the lover a feeling of unworthiness in the presence of so sweet and wonderful a creature as his beloved. And it is up to the woman to see that she is always wonderful to the man she marries. If she gives way to her temper or to her nagging habits or to other infirmities of her nature, she will surely lose the love of her husband.
Women ought to try to keep sweet and lovable, but above all else to maintain their dignity. A man ought to feel that he cannot go as far as he likes in his careless treatment of her. I do not advocate having women go around with a chip on the shoulder bristling for a fight at the first show of careless treatment, but there ought to be a certain withdrawal if the husband tries to treat her badly, the dignity of self-respect.
And it follows that a woman who does not respect her husband is apt to lose her love for him. It is too bad, sometimes, but it is true. Women like to look up to men and to respect them. This respect may be based on mentality or character or talent, but there must be respect. A woman despises a man who is not as intelligent as she is, and she is apt to show it in what she says to him and in the way she treats him.
So, be sure that you have respect for your husband's intelligence before marriage. For you want to be happy in marriage.
Do not marry him to educate him or to reform him morally. You will undoubtedly see many things that need reform, but when it comes to undeveloped brain power or to morals, you will have uphill work.
Of course, women often marry to get a home.
That is not the best kind of reason for marriage, but many people get through life in comparative happiness where the marriage has resulted from the woman's desire to be provided for rather than because of her love for her future partner.
Mutual love is absolutely essential for a perfectly happy marriage, and it ought to exist before marriage; but often after marriage, where love has not been the real basis beforehand, a strong affection may develop, especially if the husband is kind and strong and has his wife's respect because of intelligence and character.
Everyone knows that girls marry a man oftentimes simply because he is wealthy, or supposed to be. It is too bad for a girl to have to sell herself for luxury, but if she does so, and can retain her own self-respect and the consideration of the man she marries, we shall say nothing against it. Sometimes the girl finds out after marriage that she ought to have waited for the right man to come along; but then she did not want to take a chance.
We all remember the famous couplet from the poem of "Maud Muller:" "Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, it might have been." Yes, "God pity them both, and pity us all," who plunge into matrimony because of sordid reasons, or for any reasons except the highest and best.
I repeat, Love, mutual love, is the true basis for marriage; and it is the only basis for a perfectly happy one.
Another requisite for happy marriage is love to God and man in the hearts of both partners.
The self-centered life is apt to be a selfish one.
The acknowledgment of the Divine seems to be necessary to keep us properly centered and related to the world in which we live.
It is essential for husband and wife to believe alike in order to be happy, and there must be the acknowledgment of God with both and the recognition of our duties to the neighbor to get on well.
A man or woman who does not acknowledge the Divine is unhappy, restless, and sometimes the conscience is not very active to keep one true to one's obligations. A good deal of moral support is necessary to enable us to walk straight through life.
A belief in the Divine helps as nothing else does to keep us faithful to our obligations, and especially to marriage. We are not bodies alone; not minds alone; but spirit primarily, and from spirit we have minds and bodies.
Religion not only unites man with God but also with his wife. A marriage without religion is apt to be a restless one, and oftentimes an unhappy one. If you are at all religious, be sure to marry one who is either religious, or has deep respect for religion. The same advice applies to the young man who is religious.