The Unpopular History of the United States by Uncle Sam Himself/Chapter 16
XVI
UNCLE SAM COUNTS THE COST
Folks say that we Americans can squeeze a dollar until the eagle squawks. Maybe so, but we begin squeezing at the wrong end of the military eagle. For instance: What do you suppose it cost to disperse those 800 British regulars who from first to last made prisoners of Hull's army at Detroit, let loose the Northwestern Indians, routed and captured Winchester's command at Frenchtown, besieged Fort Meigs, were repulsed at Fort Stephenson, twice invaded Ohio, and played the devil generally? What did it cost us to get rid of them? Tabulated totals would make the tight-fisted Yankee squawk. Here's a rough estimate of the human effort: Besides our hastily organized and half filled regiments of regulars sent to the West, about 50,000 militia were called out in the years of 1812 and 1813 from Ohio, Tennessee, Kentucky, Pennsylvania and Virginia — for service against those 800 British regulars. It finally required General Harrison with more than three thousand men to disperse and capture them at the Battle of the Thames. All of which means, that during the time they were ravaging our country we employed a force of more than sixty men against one — and employed it ineffectually for upwards of two years. This does not include the unnecessary loss of life, nor property destroyed by the Brock and Proctor command. Did you ever read that in a popular school history? Ever hear any Fourth of July orator tell that in a frenzied speech? No sir, no politician would dare run for constable on that platform.
Now, my son, can you partially understand why I want to quit that expensive form of suicide, and get down to brass tacks? Yet our folks keep on insisting, "Didn't we beat the whole British Empire in 1812?"
France helped us in the Revolution and helped us again in 1812, by making it necessary for Great Britain to withdraw her redcoats in order to combat the Emperor Napoleon. The very troops which Andrew Jackson defeated, on January 8th at New Orleans, were immediately transferred to the fields of France and contributed to Napoleon's downfall at Waterloo.
When I sit down and think it all over, it hits me square between the eyes that we Americans must be gluttons for punishment. Those nauseous doses that we were forced to take during the War of 1812 ought to have had some effect. But Congressmen can swallow a heap of bad medicine, if they continue to get elected right straight along.
After the Revolution you will remember that all knowledge of the military art was practically extinguished by reducing our army to eighty persons, not enough for supe soldiers in a comic opera.
After the War of 1812 Congress provided for a permanent peace establishment of 10,000 men, somewhat more than 1,000 to each million of population and fairly proportioned to the needs of the country. Nearly all of its higher grades were filled by officers who had acquired competent training in the war, while by the increase of the Corps of Cadets in 1812, the lower grades were in future to be filled by young men who had been carefully "trained and taught all the duties of a private, non-commissioned officer and officer." Since this time, whenever our regular army has met an enemy, the conduct of officers and men has merited and received the applause of their countrymen. More than this it has preserved to us the military art.