The Way of a Virgin/John and Joan
JOHN AND JOAN.[1]
There was a Maid the other Day,
Which in her Master's Chamber lay;
As Maidens they must not refuse,
In Yeomens Houses thus they use
In a Truckle-bed to lye,
Or another standing by:
Her Master and her Dame,
Said she shou'd do the same.
This Maid cou'd neither rest nor Sleep,
When that she heard the Bed to crack;
Her Master Captive busie was,
Her Dame cry'd out, you hurt my Back
Oh Husband you do me wrong,
You've lain so hard my Breast upon;
You are such another Man,
You'd have me do more than I can:
Tush Master, then says Joan,
Pray let my Dame alone;
What a devilish Squalling you keep,
That I can neither rest nor Sleep.
This was enough to make a Maiden sick
And full of Pain;
She begins to Fling and Kick,
And swore she'd rent her Smock in twain
But you shall hear anon,
There was a Man his name was John,
To whom this Maid she went alone,
And in this manner made her moan;
I prithee John tell me no Lie,
What ails my Dame to Squeak and Cry?
I prithee John tell me the same,
What is't my Master gives my Dame?
It is a Steel, quoth John,
My Master gives my Dame at Night:
Altho' some fault she find,
I'm sure it is her Heart's Delight:
And you Joan for your part,
You love one withal your Heart:
Yes, marry then quoth John,
Therefore to you I make my moan;
If that I may be so bold,
Where are these things to be sold?
At London then said John,
Next Market day I'll bring thee one.
What will a good one cost,
If I shou'd chance to stand in need?
Twenty Shillings, says John,
And for Twenty Shillings you may speed
Then Joan she ran unto her Chest,
And fetch'd him Twenty Shillings just;
John, said she, here is your Coin,
And I pray you have me in your Mind:
And out of my Love therefore,
There is for you two Shillings more;
And I pray thee honest John Long,
Buy me one that's Stiff and Strong.
To Market then he went,
When he had the Money in his Purse;
He domineer'd and vapour'd,
He was as stout as any Horse:
Some he spent in Ale and Beer,
And some he spent upon good Cheer;
The rest he brought home again,
To serve his turn another time:
Welcome home honest John,
God a mercy gentle Joan;
Prithee John let me feel,
Hast thou brough me home a Steel?
Yes, marry then quoth John,
And then he took her by the Hand;
He led her into a Room,
Where they cou'd see neither Sun or Moon
Together John the Door did clap,
He laid the Steel into her Lap:
With that Joan began to feel,
Cuts Foot, quoth she, 'tis a dainty Steel:
I prithee tell me, and do not lye,
What are the two Things hang thereby?
They be the odd Shillings, quoth John,
That you put last into my Hand:
If I had known so much before,
I wou'd have giv'n thee two Shillings more.[2]
- ↑ J. S. Farmer: Merry Songs and Ballads: Privately Printed, 1897: vol.3: from Pills to Purge Melancholy (1719). A similar ballad. John and Jone, from Merry Drollerie (1661) is given by Farmer in the second volume of his work.
- ↑ John and Joan, strictly speaking, is a variant of three stories quoted earlier on in this volume, (The Instrument, The Timorous Fiancee and The Enchanted Ring), inasmuch as all contain the same idea—the possibility of purchasing a membrum virile. At the same time, our ballad has a totally different setting, the maid in this case obtaining her first knowledge from the actions of others.