Traficant's one-minute speeches, 2001

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Traficant's one-minute speeches
by James Traficant

CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT BIRTH OF CHRIST[edit]

December 12, 2001
Mr. Speaker, the school prayer issue is out of control, literally. Students in Pennsylvania were prohibited from handing out Christmas cards. Reports say students in Minnesota were disciplined for having said merry Christmas. Now if that is not enough to find coal in your athletic supporter, check this out: A school board in Georgia removed the word ``Christmas from their school calendar because the ACLU threatened to sue. Beam me up. If this is religious freedom, I am a fashion model for GQ.

Mr. Speaker, I yield back the fact that Christmas is not about a jolly old fat man. Christmas is about the birth of Christ.

CHINA'S TWO-TIMING OF AMERICA[edit]

November 28, 2001
Mr. Speaker, reports say that China is two-timing Uncle Sam big time. With one hand China slaps Uncle Sam on the back and wishes us well in Afghanistan. With the other hand China sells missiles and weapons to Iran and Iraq and continues to funnel support under the table to the Taliban. Bottom line, China continues to aid and abet our enemies. Beam me up. I yield back the fact that the Taliban are a fly on our face, but China is a dragon eating our assets. Think about that.

A CHALLENGE FOR VICTORIA'S SECRET[edit]

June 20, 2001
A California woman has set a world record by hooking 7,000 brassieres together to create the biggest bra ball in history. This bra ball is a protest against the way women's breasts have been exploited. Now, if that is not enough to challenge Victoria's Secret, this buxom diva has filed a lawsuit against another artist who is also building a ball of bras. Think about it. America's courts are bogged down with drugs and murder, and now we will be tied up with 200 pounds of Maidenforms. Unbelievable. Even Slappy White of hillzoo.com cannot believe this. What is next, Congress? A stainless steel panty hose contest? Beam me up. I yield back the fact that all this money being used for this litigation would be better served if they put it towards a cure for breast cancer.

ABOLISH THE IRS[edit]

July 18, 2001
The IRS said last year's 81 percent error rate dropped to only 73 percent this past year. Unbelievable. The Internal Rectal Service screws up 73 percent of the time and then brags about it. If that is not enough to cause your 1040 to crepitate, IRS agents gave the wrong advice to taxpayers only 50 percent of the time last year, according to an investigation. Beam me up. The IRS does not need more workers; the IRS does not need more money. These stumbling, fumbling, bumbling mistake-prone nincompoops have got to go. I yield back the need to pass the Tauzin-Traficant 15 percent flat retail sales tax, abolish the income tax, and abolish these nincompoops at the IRS.

UNISEX RESTROOMS, WHAT IS NEXT?[edit]

June 12, 2001
Mr. Speaker, last week a girl was crowned prom king in Washington. This week we learn a whole new classification term for men and women: Transgenders. That is right, transgenders. Ohio University has designated 30 restrooms as transgender-type restrooms, able to be used by both men and women at the same time. They are officially called unisex restrooms. Unbelievable. What is next? Unisex locker rooms with thong/jock support dispensers? How about Maxipad vending machines in locker rooms? Beam me up. I yield back this higher education business as yet simply getting high.

HIGH GAS PRICES[edit]

May 8, 2001
Mr. Speaker, government investigators said, and I quote, there is no conspiracy by petroleum companies to raise gas prices in America. Unbelievable. Who is kidding whom here? Gas prices are over $2 a gallon, and, in addition, it just seems every weekend they just raise them 25 cents a gallon just for the sake of it. Mr. Speaker, if that is not enough to flatulate your rectangle, the oil companies announced that gas prices will hit $3 a gallon this summer. Beam me up, Mr. Speaker; those so-called government investigators are either on the payroll of those oil companies or they are smoking dope. I yield back the biggest rip-off in the history of the United States of America.

THE SELL-OUT OF AMERICA[edit]

May 2, 2001
Mr. Speaker, the Great Lakes are now open. The first foreign ship to dock in Cleveland, Ohio, carried 10,000 tons of steel from Russia. While mills are closing in Cleveland, Youngstown, and Pittsburgh, steel mills are closing all over America. Ten thousand tons of illegally dumped steel just came in to America. Unbelievable. Think about it. It is getting so bad the Army almost bought, without Congress' interference, black berets for the Army from China. Beam me up. If our trade program is so good, why does Europe not do it? Why does Japan not do it? Why does China not do it? I think it is time to put things in order in America, my colleagues. Enough is enough. I yield back the sell-out of America, wholesale, to Communist dictators, and the loss of jobs to these socialist, communist countries.

ABOLISH THE IRS[edit]

May 1, 2001
Mr. Speaker, a government investigation said that the IRS gave, quote-unquote, wrong information 50 percent of the time. In addition, they say one-third of all calls to the IRS go unanswered. Unbelievable. According to my math, the IRS is upside down about 80 percent of the time. If that is not enough to give your 1040 a hernia, the IRS says, give us more money and we will solve our problems. Beam me up. The IRS does not need more money. Congress has got to abolish the IRS. A recent national poll says 70 percent of American taxpayers favor the Tauzin-Traficant 15 percent national sales tax. No more forms, no more tax on capital gains, savings, investment, education, inheritance. Think about it. And the IRS is abolished. I yield back those stumbling, fumbling, bumbling, nincompoops at the IRS.

PASS FLAT SALES TAX AND ABOLISH IRS[edit]

March 27, 2001
Mr. Speaker, in 1998, Congress reformed the IRS and included two of my provisions. The first transferred the burden of proof from the taxpayer to the IRS; the second required judicial consent before the IRS could seize our property, and the results are now staggering. Property seizures dropped from 10,037 to 161 in the entire country. The IRS had a license to steal, and they were stealing 10,000 properties a year. And if that is not enough to tax our gallbladders, the IRS is now complaining the new law is too tough. Beam me up here. It is time to tell these crybaby IRS thieves that we are going to pass a 15 percent flat sales tax and abolish them altogether. I yield back what should be the next endangered species in the United States of America: The Internal Rectal Service.

PEACE IN THE BALKANS REQUIRES INDEPENDENCE FOR KOSOVO[edit]

March 22, 2001
From the United Nations to heads of state, everyone is hoping against hope for peace in the Balkans. I do not want to rain on everyone's parade, but in my opinion there will never be peace in the Balkans until there is independence for Kosovo. The bottom line, it is the right thing to do. Ninety percent of the citizens of Kosovo are ethnic Albanians. Freedom and independence for Kosovo is the only long-term solution for a lasting peace in the Balkans. I yield back the fact that map boundaries have been redrawn regularly throughout history to accomplish peace.

TIME TO PASS A FLAT TAX[edit]

March 20, 2001
From the womb to the tomb, Madam Speaker, the Internal Rectal Service is one big enema. Think about it: they tax our income, they tax our savings, they tax our sex, they tax our property sales profits, they even tax our income when we die. Is it any wonder America is taxed off? We happen to be suffering from a disease called Taxes Mortis Americanus. Beam me up. It is time to pass a flat, simple 15 percent sales tax, and fire these nincompoops at the IRS. Think about it. I yield back the socialist, communist income tax scheme of these United States.

AMERICA IN DANGER[edit]

March 21, 2001
Mr. Speaker, America is in danger. China just built their third missile base, and North Korea referred to Uncle Sam as an aggressor. Think about it. We are now looking down the fangs of a dragon. China is going after Taiwan, North Korea is escalating tensions, and Janet Reno is doing Saturday Night Live. Beam me up here. While President Reagan crippled communism, Reno's actions have absolutely reinvented the greatest threat America has ever had and no one is looking. I yield back all those Chinese missiles pointed at American cities.

BERETS SHOULD ONLY BE MADE IN AMERICA[edit]

March 13, 2001
First, the Air Force bought Chinese boots. Now, the Pentagon is buying berets made in China. The Pentagon said China is cheaper. Unbelievable. What is next? At 17 cents an hour, will the Pentagon hire Chinese soldiers? Unbelievable. Think about it. The beret once signified our elite ranger force. Now it is about to become a product of communism. Beam me up. What has happened to the common sense of America? I say it is time to tell the Pentagon we can hire generals and admirals a lot cheaper from China, too. Mr. Speaker, I yield back the fact that the berets should only be made in America and should only be worn by the elite Army ranger force.

CONGRESS SHOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT NARCOTICS[edit]

March 7, 2001
Mr. Speaker, every major city in America is experiencing booming heroin sales. Kids with eyes watering and noses running are running the streets and dangerous. Now, if that is not enough to scare the welcome wagon, our borders are wide open. Wide open big time. While Congress is building halfway houses, narcoterrorists are coming across the border and treating it like a speed bump. Beam me up. I yield back the fact that we are wasting billions and billions of dollars on a failed narcotics policy that could provide for a prescription drug program for every senior in America. Wise up Congress and let us really do something about narcotics.

RECORD ADDICTION PROBLEM[edit]

March 1, 2001
Mr. Speaker, another underground tunnel was found on the Mexican border with a half of a ton of cocaine in it. Dug by hand, the tunnel connected a home to a sewer system, ultimately to Mexico. Now if that is not enough to dust an angel. This is the sixth tunnel found since 1995. Think about it, kids are strung out on heroine and cocaine all across America, while drug pushers are running relay races with backpacks full of narcotics under and across our borders and Congress does nothing, because it is sensitive politically. Beam me up. Beam me up here. Shame, Congress. American children are strung out, and I yield back a record addiction problem of the world in the United States of America.

THE IRS CAN NOW RAID CHURCHES[edit]

February 28, 2001
Mr. Speaker, imagine a raid by 150 policemen. Was it a mob bust in Russia? No. Was it a drug warehouse in China? No. It was a church in Indianapolis. That is right. The Internal Revenue Service raided a Baptist Church seizing the pastor, and, in fact, removing the pastor by force. Unbelievable. Now, everyone knows there is two sides to every story. Think about it. In America, you cannot pray in school, but now, the IRS can raid churches. Beam me up. America is going to hell in a hand basket. I yield back the Gestapo attitude that just keeps growing in our Federal Government.

MONICA, MARC RICH AND A PHONY FINE[edit]

February 14, 2001
First there was Monica. While Congress investigated cigars and pantyhose, China was spying and buying America. Now it is Marc Rich. True, Rich does not deserve a pardon. But once again two big pardons in the form of plea bargains have been overlooked, namely, John Huang and James Riady, two crooks that illegally funneled cash to the Democrat National Committee and to investigate them now would be double jeopardy. Beam me up. What are we coming to, Congress? This was not only slick, this is sick; and America may someday die because of it.

I yield back a phony $8 million fine for James Riady that will be paid for by Chinese Communists who are taking $100 billion a year in trade surplus out of America's economy.

BUYING OUR WAY INTO BANKRUPTCY[edit]

February 7, 2001
Mr. Speaker, the trade deficit is at $10 billion a week, $40 billion a month, a half trillion dollars a year. Unbelievable. Japan continues to take $60 billion out of our economy a year, and China is now taking over $100 billion a year out of America, and both Japan and China continue to keep American products out.

Now, if that is not enough to neuter your dragon, China has missiles pointed at us. Beam me up. A Nation that buys more than they sell will go bankrupt, and a Nation that allows illegal trade destroys all American industry.

I yield back the bankruptcy of America's steel industry. Day after day the filings continue to mount up.

SUPPORTING THE PRESIDENT'S TAX CUT[edit]

February 6, 2001
Mr. Speaker, there are opponents trying to kill President Bush's tax cut. They say it is too big, it is not targeted. They say it is even retroactive. Now, if that is not enough to glorify a 1040, they say they are upset because all Americans would get a tax cut. Beam me up, Mr. Speaker. I support the pro-American, pro-worker, retroactive tax cut of President Bush. Let me say this, Congress: there are not two or three United States of America, there is just one; one people, under God. And one tax cut that qualifies for all of America strengthens our Republic.

I yield back the fact that we have a Tax Code that would give Hulk Hogan a hernia.

WHITE HOUSE NOT ONLY INSTITUTION TRASHED[edit]

January 31, 2001
Mr. Speaker, graffiti on the walls, furniture destroyed, doors glued shut, garbage in refrigerators. Sounds like Animal House, but I am talking about the Clinton White House. Now if that is not enough to wax your windows, former President Clinton has said, and I quote, he wants "a complete and thorough investigation into this crime at the White House." Beam me up.

This is the same President that wanted no investigation into Chinese Communist cash being funneled to the Democrat National Committee, and we let him get away with it. Unbelievable.

Mr. Speaker, the White House was not the only American institution that was trashed. The Clinton administration not only trashed, they shredded our Constitution. I yield back the garbage at the former Clinton White House.