Way to wealth, or, Poor Richard's maxims improved/The Advantages of Drunkenness
THE ADVANTAGES OF DRUNKENNESS.
If you wish to be always thirsty, be a drunkard; for the oftner and more you drink, the oftner and more thirsty you will be.
If you seek to prevent your friends from raising you in the world, be a drunkard; for that will defeat all their efforts.
If you would effectually counteract your own attempts to do well, be a drunkard; and you will not be disappointed.
If you wish to repel the endeavours of the whole human race to raise yon to character, credit, and prosperity, be a drunkard; and you will assuredly triumph.
If you are determined to be poor, be a drunkard; and you will soon be ragged and pennyless.
If you would wish to starve your family, be a drunkard; for that will consume the means of their support.
If you would be spunged on by knaves, be a drunkard; and that will make their task easy.
If you wish to be robbed, be a drunkard; which will enable the thief to do it with more safety.
If you wish to blunt your senses, be a drunkard; and you will soon be more stupid than an ass.
If you would become a fool, be a drunkard ; you will soon lose your understanding.
If you wish to incapacitate yourself for rational intercourse, be a drunkard ; for that will render you wholly unfit for it.
If you wish all your prospects in life to be clouded, be a drunkard ; and they will be dark enough.
If you would destroy your body, be a drunkard; as drunkenness is the mother of disease.
If you mean to ruin your soul, be a drunkard ; that you may be excluded from heaven.
If you are resolved on suicide, be a drunkard ; that being a sure mode of destruction.
If you would expose both your folly and secrets, be a drunkard ; and they will soon run out while the liquor runs in.
If you are plagued with great bodily strength, be a drunkard ; and it will soon be subdued by so powerful an antagonist.
If you would get rid of your money without knowing how, be a drunkard; and it will vanish insensibly.
If you would have no other resource when past labour, but a work-house, be a drunkard ; and will be unable to provide any.
If you are determined to expel all domestic harmony from your house, be a drunkard ; and discord with all her train, will soon enter.
If you would be always under strong suspicion, be a drunkard ; for, little as you think it, all agree that those who steal from themselves and families will rob others.
If you would be reduced to the necessity of shunning your creditors, be a drunkard ; and you will soon have reason to prefer the bye-paths to the public streets.
If you like the amusements of a court of conscience, be a drunkard ; and you may be often gratified.
If you would be a dead weight to the community, and "cumber the ground,” be a drunkard ; for that will render you houseless, helpless, burdensome and expensive.
If you would be a nuisance, be a drunkard ; for the reproach of a drunkard is like that of a dunghill.
If you would be odious to your family and friends, be a drunkard ; and
you will soon be more than disagreeable.
If you would be a pest to society, be a drunkard; and you will be avoided as infectious.
If you dread reformation of your faults, be a drunkard ; and you will be impervious to all admonition.
If you would smash windows, break the peace, get your bones broken, tumble under carts and horses, and be locked up in watch-houses, be a drunkard ; and it will be strange if you do not succeed.
Finally, if you are determined to be utterly destroyed, in estate, body, and soul, be a drunkard ; and you will soon know that it is impossible to adopt a more effectual means to accomplish your - end.
Drunkenness expels reason - drowns the memory - defaces beauty - diminishes strength - inflames the blood - causes internal, external, and incurable wounds - is a witch to the senses, a devil to the soul, a thief to the purse - the beggar's companion, a wife's wo, and children's sorrow - makes a strong man weak, and a wise man a fool. He is worse than a beast, and is a self-murderer, who drinks to others good health, and robs himself of his own.
What is it that saps the morals of youth - kills the germ of generous ambition - desolates the domestic hearth - renders families fatherless - digs dishonoured graves? - Drunkenness! What makes a man shunned by the relatives who loved him - contemned by the contemporaries who outstripped him - reviled by the very wretches who betrayed him? - Drunkenness! What fills our asylums with lunatics — our ponds and rivers with suicides - our jails with thieves and murderers - our streets with prostitution? The same omnipotent Vice! He, who, by precept, whether spoken or written, shall succeed
in rendering Drunkenness detestable, and Sobriety an inviolated virtne throughout the land, will confer on the humbler classes of society — a boon beyond all price.
No vices are so incurable as those in which men are apt to glory. One would wonder how drunkenness should have the good fortune to be of this number. Anacharsis, being invited to a match of drinking at Corinth, demanded the prize very humourously, because he was drunk before any of the rest of the company ; for, says he, when we run a race, he who arrives at the goal first is entitled to the reward ; On the contrary, in this thirsty generation, the honour falls upon him who carries off the greatest quantity of liquor, and knocks down the rest of the company. But however highly this tribe of people may think of themselves, a drunken man is a greater monster than any that is to be fond among all the creatures which God hath made ; as indeed there is no character which appears more despicable and deformed, in the eyes of all reasonable persons, than that of a drunkard. Bonosus, one of our own countrymen, who was addicted to this vice, having set up for a share in the Roman empire, and being defeated in a great battle, hanged himself. When he was seen by the army, in this melancholy situation, not-withstanding he had behaved himself very bravely, the common jest was, that the thing they saw hanging before them upon the tree, was not a man, but a bottle.
This work was published before January 1, 1929, and is in the public domain worldwide because the author died at least 100 years ago.
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