Wikisource:WikiProject Film/Intertitles from GeoCities/Don't Change Your Husband

Don't Change Your Husband 1 This does not deal with the

tread of victorious Armies,

nor defeated Huns - but is just a little sidelight on the inner life of Mr. and Mrs. Porter - who found that they should not have looked for their mar- ital troubles with a Telescope - but with a Microscope.

2 James Denby Porter, who,

through complete absorp-

tion in his business, has lost his Romance - and his Waistline.

Elliott Dexter.

3 Leila Porter, who finds her

Husband's habits - after

several dull gray years of matrimony - getting slightly on her nerves.

Gloria Swanson.

4

"Keeps out the

moths, Dear!"

5

"Jim, do you know 

what day tomorrow will be?"

6 "Thursday, the 19th."

7

"I don't mean that -

doesn't tomorrow mean anything - special?"

8

"By Jove, I've got a note 

due at the First National - glad you reminded me!"

9 "Toodles" Thomas who

believes in signs -

especially the Dollar Sign.

Julia Faye.

10 Fortunately, the Guests at

Leila's Wedding Anniver-

sary Dinner include: The Bishop - Theodore Roberts. Mrs. Huckney - Sylvia Ashton. And unfortunately, the lat- ter's Nephew, Schuyler Van Sutphen - Lewis J. Cody.

11 "Jade?"

12

"There's an Ancient Chi-

nese Tradition that when two people drink from Jade - their lives, thereafter, will run in the same path!"

13

"I'm afraid it couldn't 

be - the straight and narrow path!"

14

"I knew you were expect-

ing Mr. Porter for dinner - and thought I had better let you know that he is very busy at a meeting."

15

"Mr. Porter has 

been detained - we won't wait."

16 "Better Late than Never"

  - IF you haven't

forgotten your Wedding Anniversary!

17

"Bring me some 

onions!"

18

"Very sorry - but

him asked for onions!"

19 With the Cordial.

20

"To the Wedding

Anniversary!"

21

"Secretary have 

come."

22

"Leila - Jim regards you

a little too much like an old shoe. Why not come down to my place for the week-end, and give him a chance to miss you?"

23

"Sorry to have robbed 

you of the little gift, Bishop - but I'll square it with a check for your Widows and Orphans!"

24 Hours later when

he wearily seeks 

his Bed -

25 And when, a little later,

she magnanimously

decides to forgive him - she bumps squarely into a situation which has baffled Womankind for Centuries!

26 "Snoring!"

27 Why is it that a Man who

will run no risk with 

his Business - will run every risk with his Wife?

28

"I'm sorry, Dear, that

in the rush at the office, I forgot our Anniversary - but perhaps this will help some!"

29

"It will be a nice 

change for you - why don't you go?"

30

"Pack my trunk, Marie

- I'll spend the week- end with Mrs. Huckney."

31 Giving "Hubby"

a Chance to

"Miss" her.

32

"Mrs. Porter should

be here now - any minute!"

33 "Comparisons are

  Odious."

34

"Pack my bag - I'm

going to Mrs. Huckney's in the morning!"

35 The Dangers of a Fancy

Dress Ball lurk as in-

sidiously behind the merri- ment as a Serpent under Rose Leaves - its very Romance is Temptation! At least so discovered Van Sutphen and Leila.

36

"Come on up - the

Costumes for tonight have come!"

37

"How would I look 

as a King?"

38

"If I were King - I'd bring

you three priceless Gifts:

'Pleasure' - "Wealth" and

'Love' - and the first should be 'Pleasure'!"

39

"Next, I would bring you the 

'Wealth' of the Universe:

Chests of smoldering Rubies,

And Chains of virgin Pearls -

Sapphires, blue as Midnight,

And Emeralds clear as light - Shimmering Silks and Fabrics

As soft as your own Curls! "

40

"And lastly - I bring you

the greatest gift of all - 'Love'! Without which 'Pleas- ure' and 'Wealth' are of no avail!"

41 The safe refuge of his

dependable Arms, at

this time, might have set her worried heart straight if only -

42

"Onions, Jim -

how could you?"

43

"I've just run down to 

take Leila back with me, tonight."

44

"He can't take you 

home now - on ac- count of the Ball!"

45

"But I haven't any-

thing to wear!"

46

"Here's a Costume that

will just fit you - why not go as 'Folly'?"

47 "For the Apparel

oft proclaims

the Man - "

48

"Jim, tights were meant 

to be tight - don't you see how Schuyler has his?"

49 The Dangerous Alchemy

of a Pretty Woman -

and a Blind Husband.

50

"No thoroughfare

- to 'Romeos'!"

51

"With Love's Light

Wings did I o'erperch these Walls!"

52

"You sly old dog! Tell

me who she is - if I'm to buy you a wedding present!"

53

"I don't know where Leila 

is - but I'm like a fish out of water at a dance, and I'm going up to bed."

54

"Nothing on earth can

keep you from me, Leila - not even yourself!"

55 The Cross Roads.

56

"Why should you blame 

me for trying to get what another man is too fond of onions to try to keep!"

57

"Jim, I know it will hurt 

you - but I can't stand this 'corn beef and cabbage' existence any longer!"

58

"May I sleep in the

Blue Room, Dear - the night is so close!"

59 The Open Cage.

60

"I caught Schuyler with

the Goods last night - and here's a Souvenir!"

61

"What would you say,

Jim, if I were to tell you that I'm desperately un- happy - and that I want my freedom!"

62

"I love you, Leila - but

I won't hold you one minute longer than you want to stay!"

63 The Mind has a thousand

               Eyes -
The Heart but one!

Yet the Light of a whole life

               dies -
When Love is gone!

64

"Jim - a woman wants some-

thing besides mere personal comfort! She doesn't want a man to bury himself in a news- paper at every meal - nor to allow himself to get soft and fat - nor to kiss her invariably after eating onions!"

65 Freed at last from the many

chains that bound her, and

married to her romantic "King of Dreams" - Leila finds that it would have been much better to cure those matrimonial ills she had - than fly to others that she knew not of.

66

"Can't you find something 

to wear in the mornings, Leila, besides that queer Oriental junk?"

67 "At Thirty, Man suspects

    himself a fool -
Knows it at Forty -
  And reforms his plan."

68

"Perhaps you like

onions - better!"

69 To her dismay, Leila real-

izes that the habits of

"Kings of Dreams" are as bad - or worse - than the "Garden Variety" of Husband.

70 [interspersed with bars of music] "If this be forgetting,

you're right, Dear - And

I have forgotten you then!"

71

"If you're sure, Schuyler,

that this will really help your business - I'll give you the last of my jewels!"

72 The Eternal

  Feminine.

73 "Murray Hill 1132."

74

"My old dress is so 

shabby, Schuyler, that I'm getting a new suit - may I go as high as $150.00?"

75

"I'm sorry, Leila, but

I'm too hard up at this time - can't you let the dress go until a little later?"

76 "Murray Hill 1132."

77

"I'm over at the tailor's

- my clothes are posi- tively in rags - and I've got to have a new suit."

78

"All right 'Toodles' -

you can have it!"

79

"I've finally decided on

this one, Mr. Frankel. Please charge it to my husband - Mr. Schuyler Van Sutphen!"

80 Fate sometimes

lurks in Christ-

mas Shopping.

81

"It's good to see you, 

Leila! Can't I give you a lift home?"

82 "Old Wood to Burn -

 old Wine to Drink -

old Friends to Trust!"

83

"Mr. Van Sutphen just

'phoned - and said not to expect him for dinner, as he has an important business engagement!"

84

"Why don't you return 

and dine with Mrs. Huck- ney and me?"

85 The "Important Busi-

 ness Engagement".

86 Of those external forces

which combine to make

us what we are, DRESS is the most potent. It covers our ideas no less than our bodies - until we finally become the thing we look to be.

87

"Do you remember the 

Christmas I gave you those cuff links, Jim - and how I never could make you dress up and wear them!"

88

"You were a dear 

to remember that I loved orchids!"

89 "Dinner is served."

90

"Have you forgotten,

'Bingo', that day after tomorrow is Christmas!""

91

"That ring is going to be 

pawned to pull me out of a certain financial 'hole' - but you can wear it for tonight!"

92

"The Gown - the Fan -

the Head-dress! All the costume complete, ex- cept the Ring - I miss my solitaire, Leila!"

93

"I'll tell you what's become 

of your solitaire, Jim: my Nephew is in financial diffi- culty - and Leila has given him her jewels!"

94

"To think that I held

Paradise in my arms - and didn't know enough to keep it!"

95 Seeking diversion from

his wretched thoughts

- thoughts of a dead Yes- terday - and a Forbidden Woman.

96

"If you want a good 

laugh, watch the dame with Van Sutphen - she's cleaned him out!"

97 "I'll buy it!"

98

"That ring doesn't belong 

to you - and I'm going to see that this money reaches the rightful owner!"

99

"You'll come home to 

your wife for a little busi- ness talk - or you'll find no wife when you get there!"

100

"Some drop from a 

six carat diamond to a hundred dollar bill - eh, 'Toodles'?"

101 Even Money.

102

"I bumped into your hus-

band at the club, and pur- chased your ring from him - but he thinks you'd bet- ter handle the money."

103

"You thought you could

shake me, didn't you - well you can't! I've come to get some of that money - or I'll spill the whole mess to the Papers!"

104

"I figure that I've got 

something coming - and I came here to get it!"

105

"Don't misunderstand -

he owed you something - and you are paid! He promised me a few things, too, such as Love and Pro- tection - and he didn't pay! Let's only one of us be cheated."

106

"They're all alike, 

Dearie - you can't trust any of 'em!"

107

"Leila, if the time ever

comes that you change your mind - my home and my name are waiting for you!"

108

"Don't you think you've

done damage enough - without sneaking in behind my back and trying to make love to my wife!"

109

"Your trouble is your sense 

of humor - how about the flowers you sent Leila when she was my wife? You stole her love from me - but I'm going to try my damnedest to win it back!"

110

"It isn't for you to say, 

Schuyler, what is - or is not - to be done! When I have made up my mind - I shall let you know."

111

"I'm not going to give you

a chance to brow-beat Leila into making up her mind! And what's more - I won't leave this house until she has made her choice!"

112

"You need a little more 

practice, Young Man!"

113

"I'm going to wire for 

your same old Suite - at Reno!"

114 And with the Summer -

she comes to learn that

"Many Waters cannot

     quench Love -

Neither can the Floods

     drown it!"

115

"Do you know that if 

I were King - I'd bring you three priceless Gifts: 'Pleasure' - "Wealth" and 'Love' - and the first should be 'Pleasure'!"

116

"Jim - do you know 

what day tomorrow will be?"

117

"Of course I know - it's

our Wedding Anniversary - we've been married a month, tomorrow!"

118 And now you know what

every Woman comes to

know - that Husbands, at best, are pesky brutes; and at worst - are unfit for publication!

      THE END.

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