Wikisource:WikiProject Film/Intertitles from GeoCities/Why Change Your Wife

Why Change Your Wife 1 Angels are often dead

 husbands, but husbands

are seldom live angels. Wives know this but they can't seem to get used to it.

2 Thus we meet, early one

 morning, a certain husband

with no more faults than most men and the usual amount of matrimonial resignation to fate.

Robert Gordon, . . . . . . Thomas Meighan.

3 Beth, his wife, whose

virtues are her only vices

and who willingly gave up her husband's liberty when she married him -

Gloria Swanson.

4 Marriage, like genius, is

 an infinite capacity

for taking pains.

5 Molten lead poured on the

 skin is soothing compared

to a wife's constant disapproval - but when she actually con- demns the wine cellar - Oh well - What's the use?

6

"How can you spend

money for this, Robert, when you think of the starving millions in Europe?"

7

"My dear, we give con-

stantly to help the starving millions. Why do you in- sist that everything I do for our happiness rob some one else?"

8

"Robert, I've told

you before, that dog must not come in the house!"

9 Enter now the dressing room

of a little lady who works

as a model in the "Maison Chic". Legally a widow, and optically a pippin is Sally Clark.

. . . . . . Bebe Daniels.

10 Pondering her husband's

eternal problem - the strange

difference between his wife and the girl he married, Robert de- cides that a gift may restore the long lost smile to Beth's face - but with the bad luck of a mar- ried man he picks the shop where Sally displays gowns - and Sally.

11

"I want a present for

a lady - you know - something that'll make her happy."

12

"Take a look out front at

the curly headed baby buying lingerie."

13

"Why he comes from

my town upstate. I was crazy about him when my mother was punch- ing a typewriter in his father's law office."

14

"Does the heart

go with the dress?"

15

"Don't you just

adore curly hair?"

16 A husband hates to have

his soul improved too soon

after dinner - particularly when he is thinking how charming his wife will look in her new negligee.

17

"Robert, you promised

not to smoke so much. Remember, dear, it's for your own good."

18

"Robert, why will you

play that awful, physical music? Try to cultivate your taste, dear!"

19

"Put on what you find in 

the box, honey, and then come back to me."

20 It is the wife's conscience

that "doth make cowards

of us all".

21

"Do you know,

somehow in the shop, it looked - thinner."

22

"My dearest, since time

began dress has played it's part in love, and woman has worn it to delight her mate."

23

"Robert, you've 

been drinking!"

24

"Do you expect me to

share your Oriental ideas? Do you want your wife to lure you like a - a - Oh why didn't you marry a Turk?"

25 A wife's idea of relaxation

 for her husband is to

let him share whatever en- tertainment she enjoys.

26

"I've got seats for the

'Follies', dear. Let's dine downtown and have a little party - just us two."

27

"Evelyn just sent a 

note saying that she's bringing Radinoff over after dinner to play his Adagio in E Minor."

28

"Then I'll dine at the club

- I'm tired of hearing that wired-haired foreigner tor- ture a fiddle."

29

"This belongs to the 

negligee you bought. It was left out by mistake."

30

"I'm sorry - but 

I've no one to go with."

31

"I'd hate to sit 

next to a vacant seat."

32 When a husband has had

his faults thoroughly and

constantly explained to him at home, he listens more easily to an old friend who tells him how wonderful he is. So after the theatre Robert finds it hard to leave Sally at her door.

33

"Just one little teeny

sandwich won't take a minute."

34 Music is to many women a

peculiar combination of

Romance and Religion. The musician seems to make celestial love to her soul. She feels a spiritual embrace which wrongs no one - Hence the great social suc- cess of Radinoff.

Theodore Kosloff.

35 "Here's to those who love us

   If we only cared.

Here's to those whom we'd love

   If we only - dared."

36 As the hurricane sweeps

all before it, so does the

madness of a moment some- times conquer - even love.

37 As the shadow is blackest

in the brightest sunlight,

so is remorse the deepest in a strong man's soul.

38

"Where have

you been?"

39

"A friend went 

with me."

40

"I'm sorry I was cross

and didn't come home, dear. Forgive me and let's not quarrel any more - ever."

41

"I don't use vulgar perfume

and I don't wear indecent clothes. As you've evidently found someone who does, I won't stand between you and your ideal."

42

"You needn't leave the 

house to get rid of me. If you won't live with me any more I'll go - in the morning."

43 So when morning comes,

at last, merciless virtue

proves stronger than love - and wrecks a home.

44

"Don't think you can 

come to me with another woman's kisses on your lips. I'm through!"

45

"All right - I'll take my share 

of the blame - but how about yours? All you do to make me happy is to improve my mind. All you talk about is the virtues I haven't got and the faults I have. Well - I married a woman, not a governess! I want to live in a home, not a convent! I want a sweetheart, not a judge!"

46 On the day the divorce is

granted Beth's Aunt Kate

prescribes a new gown as the most soothing remedy to apply to a broken heart.

47

"When a girl can wear

a bathing suit like this - it's her duty to do so."

48

"It's better not to wear

your wedding ring like this, dear. Put it away - and forget."

49

"I'm going to give

my whole life to charity, Aunt Kate. I hate clothes - and men."

50

"Oh, look! Mrs. Robert 

Gordon has gotten her divorce."

51

"No wonder she lost him.

She just wouldn't play with him. Then she dressed as if she were his aunt not his wife. But I'm terribly sorry for her - poor thing!"

52

"They pity me, do they?"

Pity me because I've been fool enough to think a man wants his wife modest and decent. All right: I'm still young, thank God, and I'll play their game with them. I dress like an old woman, do I? Well, you watch me - from now on.

53

"I'll take this and six 

more; and make them sleeveless, backless, transparent, indecent - go the limit."

54

"Please don't be

lonely - somebody does care!"

55 Matrimony, like a dip in

the sea, first stimulates,

then chills. But once out of the water the call of the ocean lures the bather to another plunge.

56 And for the second

time Robert learns that

wives will be wives.

57

"Bobbles, kiss um

poor little finner."

58

"I've worked hard for 

years and haven't had any real fun - and I just love big hotels. I think you might take me."

59

"Don't 'e love 'is

little wiff?"

60

"I do love you, dear 

- but I'm shaving."

61 Two who already regret

 Robert's marriage.

62

"That awful dog of yours

is trying to kill my poor Toodles again! This time he's got to go!"

63 There is a mysterious force

which draws together those

who constantly think of each other. Fools call it "coincidence"; but be that as it may, Sally takes her husband right to the hotel where Beth is staying.

64 Beth's new bathing suit is

designed to prove that

she doesn't dress like any- body's aunt.

65

"I'm here with my 

- with Mrs. Gordon and - the dog."

66 "Isn't he a darling? You know, 'the more I see of men, the better I like dogs'."

67

"If you'd like to have 

him I wish you'd take him - Mrs. Gordon is a little - nervous about dogs."

68

"Radinoff wanted a little

holiday before his season starts so he begged Aunt Kate and me to spend a few days here."

69 When a woman

meets her ex-hus-

band she realizes all she has lost; When she meets his wife she realizes all he has lost.

70

"Mrs. Gordon - this is

- er - Mrs. Gordon."

71

"What is that woman 

doing with our dog?"

72 The summer night - with

its thousand tinted lights;

when throbbing music and the scent of flowers calls youth to romance.

73

"I left my fan up-

stairs, dear; will you get it for me?"

74

"I'm in an awful fix.

I can't find a maid to fasten my gown."

75

"I wonder what's 

keeping Beth up- stairs?"

76

"You used to like per-

fume - but I never had sense enough to use it."

77

"My dear, you yourself

taught me to be faithful to one woman at a time."

78

"I'm not going down 

again; my head's just splitting, and the music makes it worse."

79

"Dance with me, 

Radinoff, make me forget.

80

"If you cared any-

thing about me, you'd stay here with me."

81 When two people have passed

a sleepless night fighting

vain regret, it is not surprising if each decides that, even though it makes the heart grow fonder, absence is certainly much safer.

82

"You're running away

because you still love Robert."

83

"I've just had a phone

call from the office, dear, and I must run right back to town."

84 But how perfectly use-

less it is to run away 

from Fate.

85 If this were fiction the train

would be wrecked or they

would have a terrible auto- mobile accident on leaving the station. But in real life, if it isn't a woman, it's generally a brick or a banana peel that changes a man's destiny.

86

"I'll take him home

with me. He - he is my husband."

87 Danger, the great revealer

of human hearts, makes 

many a woman claim the man she loves - heedless of consequence.

88

"Your husband 

has met with an accident."

89

"This is Mrs. Gordon 

speaking. I've brought him to my home. You'd better come at once."

90

"This blow on the head has

given his heart a dangerous shock. He may pull through if he is kept quiet and not moved for twenty-four hours."

91 But there are many

excellent reasons

why Sally doesn't care to leave her husband in Beth's house - for Beth to nurse.

92

"Dearest, I've been hav-

ing a terrible dream. I thought I was married to another woman."

93

"You weren't woman enough

to keep him here when you had him - and you're not going to get the chance now. He belongs in my house - and that's where he's going!"

94

"If you move him you

may kill him. The doctor says he must stay here until the crisis is over."

95

"You can order my stretcher 

bearers out of your house, but I guess the police will know who's got the right to take him."

96

"You give me that 

key - or I'll take it!"

97

"Seven years

bad luck."

98

"Get away from that 

door, or I'll spoil your beauty with this, so that no man will ever look at you again!"

99

"Mrs. Gordon has 

decided to spend the night here. Haven't you?"

100 Through night's long hours

until the day - one woman

sleeps and forgets; the other watches and remembers.

101

"The crisis is over, 

Mrs. Gordon. He will recover. He can be taken home now."

102

"Take him home now

if you like; but some day he's coming back to me - because he's mine."

103

"You don't want to go home.

You told me that you came to town on business. Some busi- ness! But I've got something here that will fix her so you'll never want to look at her again."

104

"It's all right,

dear - it's only my eye wash."

105

"You won't need this

key anymore - because you're through in my house. There's only one good thing about mar- riage anyway - and that's alimony."

106 On the night of their second

wedding there are two who

have learned that romance can go on - through Marriage into the years beyond.

107

"I've something up-

stairs, my dear, that I've been saving for you."

108

"Oh, I just adore

curly hair."

109 And now you know what every

husband knows: that a man

would rather have his wife for his sweetheart than any other woman: but Ladies: if you would be your husband's sweetheart, you simply must learn when to forget that you're his wife.

110 The End.

Home

1