A Trip to the Moon/Chapter 4
CHAP. IV.
We then began to discourse about an Amour that was much talk'd of, between a Tabby Cat, and a black and white Lap-Dog, and it was believ'd that it wou'd be a Match, from the Similitude of their Intellects.
The Cat which was the Male, was a noted Fortune-hunter, and one that had as little pretensions to a Lady's Heart as any in the Kingdom of Qugns, if he was consider'd to be what he really was. He was one that laid out his small Fortune entirely upon his Cloaths, and contented himself with more ordinary Meals than an Irish Footman wou'd do, when he eat at his own Expence. He was a great Pretender to Wit and good Sense, tho' destitute of both: This I affirm on my own certain Knowledge of the Man, but others proceeded some what further, whose Censure I shall submit to the candid Reader. They said that he was a Coward and had broke off the Point of his Sword one Day under a Pretence of sharpening it; but those Gentlemen may be pleas'd to consider, that a Cat (whose Form Fribbigghe, for that was the Creature's Name) usurp'd, does sometimes, force its Nails into a Post in order to make them sharper, tho' it may by chance meet with one somewhat too hard to be pierc'd, and break a Nail in the Experiment; why then might not Fribbigghe run his Sword into a Beam, for none are positive as to the Manner of breaking it, and if the Blade prov'd bad, with a safe Conscience leave a Bit of it in the Wood; or else he might designedly break it to prevent Murder, since he was often affronted? Others reported that he was a Fool, and had given out that he had kick'd a Gentleman, who it was believ'd had kick'd him, since he always shunn'd him; and that he boasted of Favours receiv'd from a Lady, who upon his Second Visit had forbid him her House. But what he hated most of all to be told of was, the laying out of 3 s. and 7 d. which was all that he had at a certain Time: He gave 3 s. 3 d. to Chairmen on a dry Day, and after buying Snuff with 3 Pence more, reserv'd but a single Penny for his Supper, when it unfortunately happen'd that he was oblig'd to Sup in his own Room. He never met with so good Success in any Amour as he did in this I am speaking of, for he had often patiently born a Beating for his Impudence, which he call'd Gallantry, and began to be tir'd of the Lap-dog, because he had met with so little difficulty in his Addresses, and valu'd her as he did all others chiefly for her Fortune. The Lap-Dog which was so much taken Notice of in the Moon, wou'd not I am certain obtain the same Character in Dublin: I rather think that she wou'd pass for an accomplish'd Lady; and that every Mathematical Figure which she would publish in her Head-cloaths would be industriously taken notice of, and set forth in many different Editions. If I begin with her Motion, it was neither Natural or Easy, for if it were, it wou'd be always the same, and she wou'd not be so choice of it. I have seen her in many different ways of passing along a Walk; such as Ambling, Pacing, Trotting, and sometimes Running, and often in a Je ne seay quoy Manner that was a Compound of several of the foremention'd; And have been told that when the has had no Visitors to excuse her, she has call'd a Servant to reach her the Poaker from the other Side of the Fire. At all publick Places she only minded the various Appearances which others made; perhaps it may be hence concluded, that she was a Lady of good Sense and one that observ'd Mankind, to make her own Conduct the more Regular: But I assure you that she only minded the Outside, and could not smell a Beaux Brain's, for the Essence in his Wig, or discover a groveling Soul in a Brocade Wastcoat; and People that did not much care for her, were wont to say that it was a Maxim with her, that much Powder on a Beaux Shoulders signified much Sense; and smart Repartee, was denoted by an Hat, if I may so call it, made to be carried under the Arm. Yet this I may venture to say in her Praise, that she always minded one thing in publick Places, and that was the Dress of others, which she cou'd give a better Account of when she came Home than of any thing that was said; which will be an Argument of her good Judgment as long as a Philosopher is held preferable to a Verbalist, or Observations on Substances better than Observations on Words.
Her uncommon Character I confess, made me once turn Fribbigghe's Rival and pay her a Visit under the Pretence of Courtship. I am justly sensible how much I expose my self, in putting my self in competition with such a contemptible Animal as a Beaux, who has nothing but his being a Beaux to recommend him: But why may I not be allow'd this Liberty, as well as some of my Countrymen are allow'd to go to Bawdy-Houses for Speculation. When I came to her Apartment I was introduc'd by her Waiting-Maid with much Ceremony, and desir'd to sit down directly opposite to her, I suppose that she might view me the Better. But I cou'd soon perceive that she did not like me, because I made no gaudy Appearance: And I believe she took me for a Fool, for she ask'd me half a Dozen impertinent Questions before I got leave to make her an Answer to one of them; among the rest, she ask'd me what a Clock it was, tho' there was a Clock in the Room; and she was seated more conveniently for looking at it than I was; she ask'd me besides, whether I had heard of a Duel that was fought the Night before, which unless I had been entirely Deaf I cou'd not but have heard of as I pass'd along the Streets, for the News-boys were very loud in proclaiming it. I told her Ladyship, that from the Moment that I had seen her, I became incapable of observing the most common Occurrences, being wholly taken up in contemplating her Charms. Here she began to look at me with a more pleasant Countenance, which encourag'd me to proceed.
I call'd to mind all the eloquent Jargon I had ever heard or cou'd think of, and resolv'd that Nonsense shou'd pass for Wit with my now adorable Blmmsl; since I was persuaded that her Understanding was much about the same Size with that of most of our Irish Ladies, who never begin to believe that a Man loves them till he has told them such Lies as would startle any but themselves. I swore that my Body was like a Bundle of Matches, which was fir'd by the Lightning of her Eyes, and earnestly pray'd that a gentle Breeze of her Pity wou'd vouchsafe to cool my glowing Heart. Thou Primrose of Perfection, said I, were a Demiculverin let off within my Belly, it cou'd not discompose my Frame, more than a Frown from thine awful Brow. Alas! How often have I strove to rid my self of this hated load of Life, since the Magnet of my Soul holds its repelling end to me; but the cruel Fates deny me the Happiness of dying yet, especially in the Manner I wou'd chuse; I thought to steal from this unpleasant World: For what can delight me, when I do not enjoy what I most ardently wish for? I thought to entomb my self in the River, and assist the God of it with my Tears to supply his Urn. But my Flame was so great, so far beyond what can be imagin'd, that I made a greater Noise in my plunge, than the Sun does when he dips in the Straights of Gibraltar. The affrighted Fishes roar'd, the God frown'd, and the Nymphs threw me on the Bank again. I next attempted to swing by the Neck in my Garters; Fool that I was, to think that they cou'd withstand the Fire that rag'd within me! They were soon consum'd, and I left almost in despair of dying; never were you, my Fairer than the fairest, more griev'd for the breaking of a Necklace: Yet I had a Sword, and resolv'd to make a new Passage for my Sighs, and wound this Heart of mine, which gave me such Uneasiness; but here my Attempt was vain, my Blade was melted, and my Fingers burn'd, for the Heat of my Breast exceeded that of the Sun-beams collected in many Glasses. How great was then the Anguish of my Mind? I rav'd and fann'd my Flame by repeating Blmmsl. Then my good Genius appear'd, and bid me be comforted, and said, your Goddess's Heart is not made of Steel; she will consider your deplorable Condition, and as you deserve, reward you. 'Twas this embolden'd me to approach you, and made me hope, since I knew my own Sincerity, that I shou'd not be despis'd.
The Effect which this rapturous Bombast had on her, is almost incredible; she presented her Hand to me to kiss, and told me that she pitied my Sufferings; but I mistook her Meaning, and grasping it with one of my Hands, made bold to kiss her Lips; she seem'd a little angry at my Rudeness, but was pacify'd by my swearing that her Breath was sweeter than the Breeze which wantons in Amaranthine Bowers. I then repeated my Caresses with little difficulty, and persuaded her that I was all over Love, and she all over Charms. But Fribbigghe's unlucky Stars sent him into the Room just as we were in a strict Embrace. It seems that she had lately permitted him to enter her Apartment without sending first to know whether she was pleas'd to be within or not; and this which he took for a Mark of her special Favour, prov'd his Disgrace. After he came into the Room, he stood for some time without Speech or Motion, and like a religious Man that is loth to believe his Eyes, often rubb'd them. Blmmsl, who was ready enough to find Faults where there were none, was a little confounded at the Sight of Fribligghe; but since I had sworn that I lov'd and suffer'd so much, the thought I absolv'd her from her Promises, and that Fribbigghe was to be discarded: She took the Hint from his rubbing his Eyes, and told him that the believ'd he was not right awake; or else he wou'd not have the Impudence to come into the Chamber of one that shou'd command his Esteem, without first knowing whether his Visit was seasonable, and told him that for that Time she wou'd pardon him; but begg'd of him to be more discreet for the future. As great a Fool as he was, he cou'd not but perceive that he was ill us'd, and tho' he did not love her, yet his little Soul cou'd not bear to see her in the Arms of another: What, Madam, said he, is it thus that I am slighted? Are all my Sufferings and your Vows so soon forgotten? And have I seen you in the Arms of one whom of all living I shou'd never suspect for a Rival? But Madam you are fond of Rarities, or else you cou'd never leave me for such a Person. Here I was going to reply, but the prevented me, and told him that I was more than I appear'd to be; but for some Reasons which he shou'd never be acquainted with, had chosen that Dress, and desir'd him to be cautious in speaking of me. Madam, said he, I shall never think well of any that regard you, since you have blam'd me for what I have done with your Permission. Then turning to me, he told me that he wou'd remember me, and would be glad to see me in the Park at six that Evening. I assur'd him, that I shou'd be very sorry that he shou'd forget me, and as he was going down Stairs, lent him two or three Kicks for a Token to put him in mind of me. He was so much enrag'd, that he seem'd not to take notice of them, but walk'd off in some Disorder.