A Trip to the Moon/Chapter 5
CHAP. V.
As soon as he was gone, Blmmsl invited me to drink Tea with her, over which she oblig'd me in taking poor Fribbigghe to pieces. Then she gave me the private Characters of all the beautiful Ladies in Town; but amongst them all, there was not one that got a good Word; and as the Tea Leaves began to spread themselves, so she began to discover her Mind, 'till I became acquainted with all her Secrets. I have since enquir'd of many ingenious Gentlemen, to find out the true Cause of Ladies venting their Scandal over Tea; some of whose Opinions, with their leave, I shall set down.
One told me that Sympathy was the Cause of it; for, said he, we may observe that the hot Water has the same Effect upon the Tea Leaves, that it has upon a Lady, for they both discover what was not seen before, upon taking it; whence he inferr'd, that a Woman's Soul was most like a Tea Leaf, of any thing it cou'd be compar'd to, because it is so easily oblig'd to discover its Secrets. But I objected that Sympathy was exploded, and 'till he cou'd prove that the Soul of a Woman is surrounded by the hot Water upon drinking it, as Tea Leaves are in the Pot, his Similitude would not be just; which if he undertook to prove, he must inevitably place a Lady's Soul in some part of her Belly; but I advis'd him to take care how he asserted such a thing, since thereby he might probably incur the Displeasure of the whole Sex.
Another said, since by the help of Microscopes, we have discover'd certain Eminences upon Leaves, and certain Animals creeping, nay, running among them, as wild Beasts do in a Forrest, it is probable that those Animals, upon drying of a Tea Leaf, are dried too, and become hard, and are seemingly dead, as Swallows are in Winter; but when they are put into hot Water, they come to life again, and being taken along with the Water into a Lady's Mouth, they irritate the Nerves of her Tongue, and cause some Uneasiness in that Member, which makes it then so apt to defame others. He then desir'd me to consider the Fineness of a Lady's Body, and how apt we are to give ill Language when we are vex'd. He added, that the Water might sometimes be so hot, as to kill those Animals, which he took for a Reason why sometimes a Pot of Tea might be drank without Scandal. A third was of Opinion, that it was the Voices of those Animals being scalded with the hot Water, which we took for Scandal, tho' it was not, and desir'd me to consider how apt we were to be deceiv'd in many things, and why not in this? I must confess, that these Gentlemen have learnedly accounted for it, but not to my Satisfaction: For granting that there were such Animals upon Leaves, why do not those upon Tobacco produce the same Effect, or why may we not hear those upon Tea Leaves roar before they get into a Lady's Mouth? Surely none wou'd be so unmannerly as to blame a Lady for the crying of an Animal so hard to be seen.
But the best Account I cou'd meet with, is founded upon the Relation which is given by the Natives of the Country where Tea grows; they say that this Plant was at first held in no more Esteem than common Bushes, and that the Leaves of it were never us'd, if they were us'd at all, but as Saw-dust or Chaff, 'till it happen'd once that a certain Animal among them, remarkable for its Pride and Ill-nature, came to shelter it self from the Heat of the Sun under this Shrub (they call the Animal Namow) where, as it lay a long Time secur'd from the Heat, it had an Inclination to put forth its Excrement; or to express the Matter more cleanly, to untruss a Point, and thought no place so proper for it us that where it had been rested. (This is mention'd as an Instance of that Creature's Ingratitude to its Benefactor.) In short, it left something at the Root of the Tree which did not smell very pleasant in the Noses of them who liv'd at that time. It had a strange Effect also upon the Tree, for it made it retain its Smell, and instead of not affecting Peoples Noses at all, affect them in a very disagreeable manner; so that they made as little use of it for a long time after, as they do of Hemlock in Ireland: But succeeding Ages differ'd very much from their Forefathers; for it happen'd that a Lady, famous for her great Knowledge of the Virtues of Plants, (I am heartily sorry I cannot remember her Name) took some of the Leaves of this Tree, and boil'd them to find out their Qualities, and after much Study assur'd her female Friends, that those Leaves were very wholesome, and that Water in which they were boil'd, contributed much to the dilating the urinary Passages, and by that means wou'd keep them from the Stone or Gravel; but the disagreeable Smell and Taste of 'em might be corrected by Ingredients fit to please those Senses which the Tea Leaves offended. Her Advice was follow'd by those she had any Influence on, and they chose Tea Water for their Breakfast; but they took so much of it at several times in the Day, and put so much Sugar in it, that they began to be troubled with Diseases which they might have been free from, had they never changed their Diet. But the Lady who recommended it to 'em, cou'd not bear that her Counsel shou'd be neglected, and at last persuaded 'em that it had no disagreeable Taste or Smell at all, and ought to be taken with but little or no Sugar, if they intended it shou'd do 'em any good. They were easily inclin'd to believe her, since they were already great Admirers of several stinking Things, and valu'd 'em for stinking, such as Cream-Cheeses, Venison, &c. so that in a short Time from a few, the Folly became epidemical.
This is an Account of the first Use of Tea, as it is now among the Ladies; but to give a Reason for the Scandal which attends it, must be the next Thing I shall mention.
I have already observ'd to you, that the Animal which gave this Tree its Qualities, was proud and ill-natur'd; and it is very probable, if it could speak, that Defamation would attend such an evil Disposition; and since neither the Animal nor the Tree were endued with Speech, and that the Seeds of Defamation, as we may reasonably suppose, were transmitted from the one to the other, inasmuch as a bad Temper often depends chiefly on the Habit of the Body, it follows, that a Lady must speak for both, since she can do it, lest Nature might be said to intend an Effect, and not produce it, when and where she may. The only Objection of any Moment which this Account is liable to, is, that it is very strange that so remote a Cause should operate so strongly and universally upon Ladies, and not upon Men, who have not yet degenerated into Misses. But to this I answer, that the Delicacy of a Lady's Constitution renders her more capable of being influenc'd by a weak and remote Cause than a Man is; for surely there is a Difference between the Dirt which they are made of, and the Dirt of which the rest of Mankind is form'd, or else they would never take so much upon them. But to return whence I digress'd: I sat with Blmmsl till it was near the Time that I was to meet Fribbigghe at. I was very glad that I was so near my Delivery; for I confess that I was heartily tir'd with playing the Hypocrite so long. I left her, seemingly, as much concerned as she was, and walk'd towards the Park, reflecting on her strange Behaviour and monstrous Credulity: I was surpriz'd to think that I had gain'd her affections so much at the first Visit when others had spent some Lunar Years in their Addresses to her, without being favour'd with any thing that might give them Hopes. I could attribute my good Success to nothing, but that I had hit the critrical Minute, so much talk'd of in Ireland, when a Woman gives her Consent.
I was no sooner come to the Park, but two or three of my Acquaintance, told me that Fribbigghe had been there a long Time before, expecting me to fight him, and was resolv'd to post me for a Coward for not meeting him. I assur'd them I was come sooner than the appointed Time, and begg'd of 'em to assist me in looking for him, that I might use him as he deserv'd. After we had spent some Time in looking for him, we were inform'd that he went with some Ladies to walk in a Green adjacent to the Town; thither we went and found him; but I am confident that he would have given any Consideration to be remov'd some Miles from me when he saw me. He seem'd very earnest in Discourse with the Ladies, and wou'd fain not take Notice of me, but I call'd to him so loud, that he could not but hear me: Upon which he turn'd, and trembled. I call'd him aside; though I must own it was a little rude to take him from the Ladies; yet I conceiv'd so ill of them all, upon Blmmfl's Account, that I have never since paid them so much Respect as I did before. Upon telling him of some Truths, for which he saw I had Vouchers, he began to put them off with a Joke, and told me he would always esteem me as a particular Friend, since, he assur'd me, that I had something very engaging in my Countenance. The Offer he made me of his Friendship was as provoking to me, as any Thing he could have said to me. I told him that I could not be by any Means persuaded to keep such a Fool, as I was sure he was, Company, and that I was resolv'd to make him as ridiculous as I could. I then pull'd off his Wig, and shook all the Powder in it upon his Cloaths, whilst he was asking me all the while, whether that was Usage for a Gentleman, and was telling those that flock'd about us how much his Cloaths, which I had spoil'd, had cost him. I confess'd that the Usage I had given him was not at all fit for a Gentleman; and since he was so much troubled about his Cloaths, I would vex him the more. I took him accordingly, and led him to a Ditch full of Water, where I toss'd him in as gently as possible. There I left him to be laugh'd at by the Crowd, which was very merry at his Expence.