Diamonds To Sit On/Chapter 21
CHAPTER XXI
LITTLE ELLA
Scholars have calculated that William Shakespeare's vocabulary comprised some twelve thousand words. The cannibal race of Mumbo Jumbo have a vocabulary of three hundred words, but Ella Shchukin managed quite well with a vocabulary of thirty words. Here are the words, phrases, and exclamations which she had chosen from out of the rich and expressive Russian language;
(1) You're a fool.
(2) Ho! Ho! (which according to the circumstance expressed sarcasm, surprise, delight, hatred, joy, scorn, and satisfaction).
(3) Marvellous!
(4) Black (used for everything; for instance:
'Black Peter has come.' 'What black weather!'
'Oh! the black cat!' etc.).
(5) Darkness.
(6) Terror or terrible (for instance, when you meet a good friend it is a 'terrible meeting').
(7) A lad (used for all male acquaintances irrespective of age or social position).
(8) Don't teach me how to live!
(9) Like a child ('I beat him like a child'—this when playing cards. 'I shut him up like a child,' used in conversation with some one important).
(10) Beauty!
(11) Fine and Fat (used to describe both the animate and inanimate).
(12) Let us take a cab (when speaking to her husband).
(13) Let us take a taxi (when speaking to any male acquaintance). LITTLE ELLA
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(14) Your back is all white (a joke). (15) Fancy that ! (16) The suffix ‘ -kin ’ (used for its caressing quality, e.g. Peterkin, Sashkin). (17) Oho ! (sarcasm, surprise, delight, hatred, joy, scorn, and satisfaction). (18) You’re joking ! If you were to examine the photographs of Ella which hung over her husband’s bed, one full face and the other profile, you would see a pleasant high fore head, large shining eyes, the sweetest httle nose, and a chin with a little brown mole on it. Ella was pretty, and her height flattered men. She was small, and even the smallest man felt tall and powerful by her side. The two hundred roubles which was her husband’s monthly salary at the ‘ Electrolustre ’ factory was an insult to EUa. It was totally inadequate in her struggle to try to make ends meet, for she was very extravagant; and this life had been going on for four years. To try to help matters, her husband, Ernest Pavlovich Shchukin used to bring work home with him from the office. They gave up having a servant and they had a ‘ Primus ’ stove. He would empty the rubbish into the dustbin and fry his own cutlets. But it did not help, for Ella was always buying crSpe de Chine blouses and other fineries. One morning a friend of hers brought in a fashion journal in which a photograph caught her eye. It was a photograph of the American millionaire’s daughter. Miss Vanderbilt, taken in evening dress. She was wearing furs and feathers, silk and pearls ; her dress was wonderfully designed, and her hair was most beautifully dressed. ‘ Oho ! ’ said Ella to herself, and made up her mind to be like the American. She imitated her by buying an evening frock and by having her hair well dressed. Then she decided she must be in the fashion and have 144
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some smart furniture, so she went to a sale and bought two upholstered chairs. ‘ A wonderful chance,’ she said to herself ; ‘ not to be missed.’ And without asking her husband she took the price out of the housekeeping money. She brought the chairs home triumphantly. Her husband was not at home, but he soon returned from the office. ‘ The black husband has come,’ said Ella. ‘ Hullo, darling ! What’s this ? Where have these chairs come from ? ’ ‘Hol Ho !’said Ella. ' No, seriously ? ’ ' Beauty ! ’ ‘ Yes, they are good chairs.’ ‘ Marvellous ! ’ ‘ Are they a present ? ’
- Oho 1 ’
‘ What ? You surely haven’t bought them ? Not out of the housekeeping money ? Haven’t I told you a thousand times—'—’ ‘ You’re a fool! ’ ‘ But how can you do such things ? We’ll have nothing to eat! ’ ‘ Fancy that! ’ ' But it’s simply disgusting ! You’re hving beyond your means ! ’ ‘ You’re joking 1 ’ ‘ I tell you you’re living beyond your means I ’ ‘ Don’t teach me how to live ! ’ ‘ EUa, be serious. My salary is only two hundred roubles----- ’ ‘ Darkness 1 ’ ‘ Look here. You know I don’t take bribes, and I don t steal money. I’m an honest man.’ ‘ Ter-r-rible ! ’ Her husband was silent. At last he said: 'We can’t go on hving hke this.’ LITTLE ELLA
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' Ho ! Ho ! ’ said Ella as she sat down on one of the new chairs. ‘ We’ll have to separate.’ ‘ You’re joking ! ’ ‘ We are utterly incompatible. I----- ’ ‘ You’re a fine, fat lad ! ’ ‘ How many times have I told you not to call me a lad? ’ ' Fancy that! ’ ' Where have you learnt this idiotic jargon ? ’ ‘ Don’t teach me how to live ! ’ ‘ Oh, damn ! ’ he shouted. ‘ We shall have to separate ; only, for goodness’ sake, let it be done amicably.’ ‘ Oho ! ’ ‘ I shall go and fetch a van and we can divide the furniture between us.’ ‘ Dreadful! ’ ‘ You can have a hundred roubles a month and you can keep the room. You can live as you hke, but I’m not going on any more in this way----- ’ ‘ Marvellous ! ’ said Ella sarcastically. ‘ I shall go over to Ivan Alekseyevich.’ ‘ Oho ! ’ ' He’s gone to the country and I can use his flat. He’s given me the key, but there isn’t any furniture.' ‘ Beautiful! ’ Five minutes later he returned with a van. ‘ I shall take the writing-table,’ he said, ‘ and one of these chairs. I think I’m entitled to it.’ He made a bundle of his personal belongings and moved towards the door. ' Your back is all white ! ’ said Ella in a gramophone voice. ' Good-bye, EUa I ’ He expected his wife to drop her jargon at least for once. Ella too felt it was an important moment: she tried hard to find suitable words for their parting, but IO 146
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all she could summon up was : ‘ Are you taking a taxi ? Beautiful! ’ Her husband raced downstairs.
At ten o’clock in the morning Bender turned into Varsonofiev Street, and the urchin who was running ahead of him pointed out the house. ‘ Sure you’re not lying ? ’ ‘ Of course not. Here you are ; it’s this one ! ’ Bender gave the lad his honestly earned rouble, and knocked at the door without knowing what excuse he could give for calling. He relied on inspiration when dealing with women. ‘ Oho ! ’ came from behind the door. ' On business,’ said Bender. The door opened and Bender walked into a room, where he found Ella sitting in a dressing-gown trimmed with fur. He knew what to do on such occasions, so he stepped back and exclaimed : ' What a wonderful fur ! ’ ‘ You’re joking,’ said Ella shyly. He started to talk about furs, and without giving her a chance to speak he went on to tell her all he knew about silk, and wound up by promising his dehghtful hostess a present of a few hundred silk cocoons from Uzbekistan. ‘ You’re a fine lad ! ’ said Ella. ‘ No doubt you are surprised at receiving such an early visitor ? ’ said Bender. ‘ Ho ! Ho ! ’ answered EUa. ‘ But I have come to see you about a dehcate business matter.’ ‘ You’re joking ! ’ The conversation went on in this strain for some time until Bender realized that the second chair was not in the room. He would have to be tactful and discover the trail, but very gradually he found out what had happened between Ella and her husband. LITTLE ELLA
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‘ I wonder if you would care to sell me that chair ? ’ said Bender presently. ‘ I do like it, and I know that only a woman of taste could have chosen such a chair. Do sell it to me. I will give you seven roubles for it.’ ' Oho ! ’ said Ella slyly. ‘ I shall have to use the method of exchange with her,’ thought Bender. ‘ Do you know that in Europe and in the best houses of Philadelphia they have revived the oldfashioned habit of pouring out tea through a strainer ? It is extraordinarily effective and most elegant.’ Ella was immediately interested. ‘ One of my friends, a diplomat, has just arrived from Vienna and has brought me one as a present. It is a nice little thing.’ ' It must be marvellous I ’ said EUa. ‘ Shall we exchange ? You give me the chair and I’ll give you the tea-strainer. How would you like that ? ’ Bender took the gilt tea-strainer out of his pocket, and as the sun shone down on to the strainer, Ella was tremendously impressed. Presently she said quietly: ‘ Ho ! Ho ! ’ Without giving her time to change her mind. Bender put the tea-strainer down on the table, asked for her husband’s address, which she gave him, bowed most gallantly to the charming lady and ran downstairs with the chair.