Memorials of Capt. Hedley Vicars, Ninety-seventh Regiment by Marsh, Catherine, 1818-1912/Chapter 3
III.— CONVERSION.
"Henceforth I live."—St. Paul
"To be awakened," writes one[1] who both from individual and ministerial experience, well knew the difference between convictions and conversion, "you need to know your own heart, To be saved, you need to know the heart of God and of Christ."
Hitherto Hedley Vicars had been the subject only of the awkening work of the Spirit. In later days, when he looked back on that period of his life, he distinctly stated, "I was not then converted to God." He was seeking, but he had not found, "the grace of life." Thank God! there is no such asking eye directed upward, to which He does not, sooner or later, "reveal His Son." After all his anxious alarms, which had resulted in efforts succeeded by failures, he was now to be taught that the strength to preserve would be found, when the God of Hope should have "filled him with all joy and peace in believing;" and that he was to continue "diligent to be found of Him in peace," as the one way of being "without spot and blameless."
It was in the month of November, 1851, that while awaiting the return of a brother officer to his room he idly turned over the leaves of a Bible which lay on the table. The words caught his eye, "The blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin." Closing the book, he said, “If this be true for me, henceforth I will live, by the grace of God, as a man should live who has been washed in the blood of Jesus Christ."
That night he scarcely slept pondering in his heart whether it were presumptuous or not to claim an interest in those words. During those wakeful hours, he was watched, we cannot doubt, with deep and loving interest, by One who never slumbereth nor sleepeth; and it was said of him in heaven, "Behold, he prayeth."
In answer to those prayers, he was enabled to believe, as he arose in the morning, that the message of peace was "true for him" — "a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptation." “The past," he said, “then, is blotted out. What I have to do is, to go forward. I cannot return to the sins from which my Saviour has cleansed me with His own blood."
An impetus was now given in a new direction, of sufficient power to last till the race was run—until he could say with the Apostle Paul, "I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith." Thenceforth he lived. And the life he now lived in the flesh, he lived by the faith of the Son of God, of whom he delighted to say, with realizing faith and adoring gratitude, "He loved me, and gave himself for me."
On the morning which succeeded that memorable night, he bought a large Bible, and placed it open on the table in his sitting-room, determining that "an open Bible" for the future should be "his colours." “It was to speak for me," he said, "before I was strong enough to speak for myself." His friends came as usual to his rooms, and did not altogether fancy the new colours. One remarked that he had “turned Methodist," and, with a shrug, retreated. Another ventured on the bolder measure of warning him not to become a hypocrite: "Bad as you were I never thought you would come to this, old fellow." So for the most part, for a time his quarters were deserted by his late companions. During six or seven months he had to encounter no slight opposition at mess, "and had hard work," as he said, "to stand his ground." But the promise did not fail, "The righteous shall hold on his way, and he that hath clean hands shall wax stronger and stronger."
All this time he found great comfort in the society of a few brother officers who were walking with God, but especially in the faithful preaching of the Gospel of Jesus Christ by Dr. Twining, Garrison Chaplain at Halifax, and in the personal friendship of that man of God, which he enjoyed uninterruptedly from that time until the day of his death. Under so deep an obligation did he consider himself to Dr. Twining, that he frequently referred to him as his spiritual father; and to his scriptural preaching and teaching, and blessed example of "walking with God," may doubtless be traced, under the mighty working of the Holy Spirit, those clear and happy views of religion, and that, consistency and holiness of life, which succeeded his conversion.
We learn, from a letter recently quoted,[2] that from this time his conversion grew daily more deeply spiritual, and that he lost no opportunity of attending every public service in Dr. Twining's church, and his Bible Classes tor officers, soldiers, and those in hospital. His rapid growth in knowledge and grace is mainly attributed to the instruction and profit gained at these classes, by a senior officer in the 97th, whose friendship he deeply valued.[3]
A heart so large and loving by nature as that of Hedley Vicars can scarcely accept the open invitation to come to Jesus for pardon, peace, and eternal life, without giving him an immediate response to the injunction, "Let him that heareth say, Come," Accordingly, he began to teach in a Sunday-school, to visit the sick, and to take every opportunity of reading the Scriptures and praying with the men singly. Of three of these, whom he describes as "once great sinners, nearly as bad as myself," he could soon say confidently that they had followed him in turning to God. At the same time he was also the means of awakening some of his brother officers to make the earnest inquiry, "What must I do to be saved?"
"As he felt he had been much forgiven," writes the friend before alluded to, "so in proportion was the ever-burning and increasing love to Him whom he had so long grieved by his sins. The name of Jesus was ever on his lips and in his heart. Much grace was given him to confess Jesus boldly before others; and when he was Adjutant, his example and his rebukes to the men for swearing carried great weight, and showed his zeal for the honour of God."
The Adjutancy of his regiment was offered to him by his Colonel in the spring of that year (1852), with these flattering words: "Vicars, you are the man I can best trust with responsibility." This appointment appears to have given universal satisfaction amongst officers and men, although one of the officers remarked, jestingly, "He won't do for it — he is too conscientious."
This conscientiousness was not only evinced in his military, but also in his private life. Every amusement which he found to be injurious in its effect on his spiritual condition was cheerfully relinquished. In a letter to his eldest sister, he inquires her opinion of balls and other public entertainments, and adds: "I have of late refused every invitation to such amusements, on finding they made me less earnest and thoughtful, and indisposed me for reading and prayer."
We find his growth in grace indicated in the following letter:
TO MISS VICARS.
April 29, 1852.
"My Darling Mary — I am going on much in the same manner as usual, with nothing to disturb the even tenor of my way. But no; I must correct myself here for I trust that I have really turned over a new leaf, and that my heart is gradually but surely undergoing a purifying process.
"I have been fighting hard against sin. I mean, not only what the world understands by that term, but against the power of it in my heart; the conflict has been severe — it is so still; but I trust, by the help of God, that I shall finally obtain the mastery. What I pray for most constantly is, that I may be enabled to see more clearly the wicked state of my heart by nature, and thus to feel my greater need of an Almighty Saviour. You cannot imagine what doubts and torments assail my mind at times, how torn and harassed I am by sinful thoughts and want of faith.
"You, Mary, can never experience my feelings, for you know not in what a sinful state my life has been passed. Well may I call myself 'the chief of sinners!' I sometimes even add to my sins, by doubting the efficacy of Christ's atonement, and the cleansing power of his precious blood to wash away my sins. Oh, that I could realize to myself more fully that his blood 'cleanseth us from all sin!'
"I was always foremost and daring enough in sin. Would that I could show the same spirit in the cause of religion; would that I felt as little fear of being called and thought to be a Christian, as I used to feel of being enlisted against Christianity!
"'Am I a soldier of the Cross.
A follower of the Lamb;
And shall I fear to own his cause
Or blush to speak his name?'
"I trust I am beginning to see and feel the folly and vanity of the world and all its pleasures, and that I have at length entered the strait gate, and am travelling the narrow road that leadeth unto eternal life.
"I trust you will not consider me a confirmed egotist, for writing so much of myself. I have done so, because, I thought you would like to hear how changed I am become.
"I trust, dearest, that your heart has been changed long before mine; was touched. Let us both remember that we can do no good thing of ourselves, for it is the Lord alone who worketh in us both to will and do of his good pleasure. Let us not trust in our own righteousness, which is but as 'filthy rags,' but let us trust entirely in the merits and blood of our blessed Saviour. I never can sufficiently show my gratitude to God, who has shown such long-suffering forbearance towards me — who has spared me through so many scenes of sin and folly.
"Summer has begun to change the face of nature, and everything is looking green and lovely. I took a delightful walk into the country yesterday evening — the first time I ever enjoyed the blessed sense of communion with God. But when I came home it had all lied, and left me in a disturbed and restless state of mind: my summer heart of warmth and love had changed back into its natural state of winter, cold and dead!
"I am sorry to say that poor Lieutenant J— is in a very precarious state; even if he recovers, he will never have the use of his leg. I go sometimes to sit with him, and endeavour to bring to his mind the things which belong to his everlasting peace. He said to me one day, 'Vicars, tell me, do you really feel happier now than you did?' Poor fellow! he is in a very desponding state of mind.
"I generally spend four or five hours each day, when not on duty, in reading the Bible, and meditation and prayer, and take a walk every afternoon for a couple of hours. I am longing to see you all again, but I do not know when shall be able. Write soon, and tell me how you all are getting on, especially how my darling mother is. Is she looking ill? Does she get out every day? Do not you think that the summer will make her better? Give my fond love to her. I will write to her by the next mail, please God.
"Pray for me, and believe me, I never forget to pray for you all.
"How little we do to show our love for that Saviour, who agonized on the cross for our sakes. I cannot close my letter better than by beseeching Him to give us his Holy Spirit, to draw our hearts above this world, to look to the Saviour with the eye of faith.
"'When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of Glory died,
My richest gain I count but loss,
And pour contempt on all my pride.
"'Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast,
Save in the cross of Christ my God:
All the vain things that charm me most,
I sacrifice them to his blood.'
"Adieu my dearest Mary; and always remember me as
"Your affectionate and attached brother,
"Hedley."
To his brother he writes:
May 13th, 1852.
" * * * Let us pray earnestly for the Holy Spirit; and we shall not be sent empty away. Let us ask Him to show as the selfish state of our hearts. I have found comparatively little trouble in giving up external sins, but the innate sin of my heart, oh, how great it is! It is here the real battle must be fought, and the more humbling is the sense of our vileness, the more we shall feel the need and value of a Saviour. We all have our temptations, and in scarcely any profession could they more beset the Christian beginner, than in the army.
"But let us remember, whatever be our calling, God has promised that we shall not be tempted above that we are able to bear. Only let us feel that we are unable of ourselves to resist evil, or to do anything good: lot us look to Christ, and trust in Him alone, and take up our cross, and follow Him. We must give up the pleasures of the world for they unfit us for spiritual meditation: and although they may be hard to part with, as a right eye or right hand, there is no alternative, if we wish to grow in grace.
"You will, perhaps, be surprised, as you read this letter, at the change which has come over me. Yes, I believe and I feel that I am a changed man; that I have taken the important step of declaring on whose side I will be. Oh, that I could persuade you to enrol yourself with me on the side of Jesus Christ!
"As Newton says, I know what the world can do, and what it cannot do.' It cannot give or take away that peace of God which passeth all understanding. It cannot soothe the wounded conscience, nor enable us to meet death with comfort. I have tried both services. For twenty-four years have I lived under the thraldom of sin, led by the devil. None need despair of being welcomed by the Saviour when he has pardoned and brought to repentance such a sinner as I have been. The retrospect of my past life is now miserable to me; yet before I was taught by the Spirit of God, I thought and called it a life of pleasure! The very name, when applied to sin, now makes my heart sicken. Even then I never could enjoy recalling the occupations of each day; and think you my conscience was quiet? No, though again and again I stifled it, as too many do. Bitter experience has taught me that 'there is no peace to the wicked.' Blessed be God, I know now that I am pardoned and reconciled to God, through the death of his Son. How happy is the Christian's life when he has this assurance!
"Do not think, dear Edward, that because I write thus I wish you to think me very religious, or that I consider myself better than you. I do not. But I find more pleasure now in writing on these subjects than on any other, and I want to draw out your thoughts about them. If you have not yet turned entirely to God, take my advice, and if you want to find true happiness, do so at once."
A letter, dated June 23rd, 1852, indicates his steady progress in the new course:
"My Darling Mother — If you look out you will probably see my name in the Gazette in a fortnight or so, as the Colonel sends the recommendation home by this mail. My worldly prospects will soon be considerably improved. What reason I have to be thankful to Him who, notwithstanding my utter unworthiness, has been so kind and merciful to me. Oh! that I felt more love and gratitude to Him. I trust, my dear mother, that in the performance of the arduous duties of an adjutant I may never neglect the more important duties of a Christian, and that I may do all to the glory of God. How amply shall I be repaid if even one of my fellow-soldiers is brought by my example and advice, as a means in the hand of God, to a saving knowledge of his mercies in Christ. I must be prepared to meet with much discouragement from ignorance and hardness of heart, but I will endeavour to do my duty and leave the issue to God, remembering the words, 'Paul may plant, and Apollos water, but it is God alone who giveth the increase."
"Poor J—'s leg was amputated above the knee on Saturday. The operation was performed under the influence of chloroform. He bore with Christian resignation the will of his Heavenly Father. I was in Dr. Twining's house during the time, but not present at the amputation, as I could be of no use. He is now getting on well, poor fellow. I am delighted to say I firmly believe that his suffering illness has, through the blessing of God, been made the means of the conversion of his immortal soul.
"Four or five of my brother officers attend Dr Twining's Bible-class. One of them has, I trust, been truly converted. He was, like myself, about the last in the regiment one would ever have thought likely to become religious; but God's ways are not as our ways, or his thoughts as our thoughts. I trust his example may do much good. It is grievous to see how little regard men pay to the salvation of their never-dying souls. But I must ever remember that I was once like them, and worse; and that it is only through the grace of God that I am now different. It may truly be said of me, 'Is not this a brand plucked from the burning?' I now see the direful effect of a long coutinuance in evil, for sin has had for such a length of time so entire a dominion over me, that I find it hard to fight against it, and often think I must be worse than any one else. If the Holy Spirit did not help me, I never could have made even the little progress in religion that I have made. If left to myself I must fall. Oh! that I may increase and grow in grace each day!"
The same earnest tone pervades all his lotters during the remainder of his residence in Nova Scotia. We find allusions to conflicts and difficulties in overcoming temptations and establishing a new course of life. "But I know it must be done, and in God's strength it shall be," is ever the conclusion.
Newton's "Cardiphonia" was a book which at this time afforded him much help and consolation:
"Do send for it, if you have never yet read it. I get great comfort from his letters, for they show that every believer is exposed to the same temptations and trials, in a greater or less degree, and that his life is one of continual warfare. Does not even St. Paul tell us that he had a constant conflict of conscience against inclination, of the desire to do right against the promptings of evil? I feel with Newton how poor, and weak, and simple I am, but that Jesus is wise, and strong, and abounding in grace. He has given me a desire to trust my all in his hands, and he will not disappoint the expectation which He has himself raised.
To rend my soul from thee, my God.
But everlasting is thy love,
And Jesus seals it with his blood."
A letter written by Dr. Twining to Captain Vicars' eldest sister, upon receiving the intelligence of his death, may find its place most appropriately here, as it gives a sketch of this period of his life:
"Halifax, May 21, 1855.
"My Dear Lady Rayleigh—I felt impelled to write to you so soon as I had learned that the Lord had been pleased, in the inscrutable dispensation of his providence, to call my dear and highly-valued friend from his service on earth to the fulness of joy at his right hand for ever.
"I thank you very much for your letter, written at a time when your heart must be wrung with sorrow. I have long perceived in my beloved young friend a rapid ripening for glory. This was evident in his entire devotion of soul to the Saviour, whom he Loved, and that intimate knowledge of the length, and breadth, and depth of the love of Christ which he possessed, it seemed to me, in an increased and increasing degree every time I heard from him. Our short-sighted eyes might see many reasons why lie should be continued in a sphere of usefulness which he so eminently filled and adorned; but we see through a glass darkly: He who has been pleased to say unto him,' 'Come up higher,' has condescended to say to us that all shall be explained when we see face to face, and know as we are known. 'What I do thou knowest not now, but thou shalt know hereafter.'
"You ask me for some details relative to my dear friend. It affords me a melancholy pleasure to give them, as well because it is the wish of those to whom he was most dear, as because it recalls the occasions when we took sweet counsel together and walked as friends.
"When I first knew Captain Vicars he was 'walking according to the course of this world.' He had, as he told me, been under strong convictions in the West Indies and attended religious meetings: but trusting in his own resolutions, and not in the Saviour's strength, he had fallen again under the power of temptation. There was something very attractive in his appearance, and I asked him to meet with a few officers and others at my house to join in reading the Scriptures, conversation, and prayer. He came at once, and never failed to attend regularly. It was soon evident that he took a deep interest in the matter. He became a teacher in my Sunday-school, and attended a Bible class which I had established on Sunday-evening for soldiers, and another during the week for soldiers' wives; this he did to encourage the men and women of his regiment to come. He and Mr. Nash always spent Sunday evening at my house, as they never dined at the regimental mess on that day. He told me of all his trials, and we often knelt together in my little study, laying them all open before a throne of grace. It was evident as time passed on, that he was growing in knowledge, in grace, in consistency, in firmness, in Christian experience.
"I knew him much more intimately afterwards. An officer in the 97th Regiment, Mr. J , was shot through the knee in moose-hunting, and being very uncomfortable at his quarters, I brought him to my house, and took care of him until (after the amputation of his leg) he finally recovered. Vicars evinced the tenderest regard for the body and soul of his brother officer: he mused him with the greatest assiduity, and for six weeks was a constant inmate of my house. Then I began most intimately to know him — his high and honourable principles, his tender heart, his sweet disposition, and all sanctified by Divine grace? His was a lovely character; it was impossible to know him and not to love him; every creature about my house did love him. He had to suffer a fiery persecution from some of the officers of his regiment. The Lord saw that it was best, and made it a means of strengthening and confirming him in the faith. You know, my dear madam, that a certain degree of religion is considered by the world to be decorous and proper, but there is nothing so much dreaded as being 'righteous overmuch.' It is quite impossible for a Christian to comply with the maxims and customs of a world which 'Lieth in wickedness;' but my beloved friend was strengthened to bear a consistent testimony to the truth, to take up his cross and follow Jesus.
"He took part in all efforts amongst us in the Redeemer's cause to win souls to Him. For example, the Naval and Military Bible Society, City Missions on the plan of those at home, and a Society for giving the Scriptures in their own language to the Micmac Indians — the aborigines of this country. Of these Societies he was a member, and his memory is now warmly cherished by those with whom he was a fellow laborer in these causes. But he rests from his labours, his emancipated spirit is with its God. Oh, that we may have grace to follow in his steps. I enclose one or two of his letters to me; may I ask their return? They are now doubly precious in my sight. My prayers are offered up at the throne of grace for the bereaved mother and afflicted relatives of my friend.
"I am, my dear Madam,
"Your faithful servant in Christ,
"J. T. TWINING."