Memorials of Capt. Hedley Vicars, Ninety-seventh Regiment by Marsh, Catherine, 1818-1912/Chapter 4
IV.— DIARY.
Keep it, for I cannot keep it for thee."
St. Augustine.
From his diary, kept daily with conscientious regularity and faithfulness, we give the following brief extracts:
"July 3, 1852.—Rode out to visit Brunt, a poor ordnance laborer. Read and prayed with him for nearly an hour. He appears to be very ill, but all his hopes are fixed on Christ.
"Sunday, 4th.—Read a chapter of Bogatsky this morning. Unrefreshed after morning prayer. Instructed my class at the Sunday-school. Thoughts wandering during Divine service. Read and prayed with Corporal Cranny, 42nd Regiment, for nearly an hour. A bright specimen of a dying Christian. There were eighteen of us at Dr. Twining's class in the evening.
"5th.—Rose at half-past five. Read a chapter in Bogatsky. I feel I am but little advanced as yet. Evil thoughts during the day. Read with Corporal Cranny for about an hour. Would that I were more like him! From not having prayed for God's blessing on what I was going to read, I felt little comfort from it. Did not offer to pray with him, as I was afraid I should break down. Read and prayed with Brunt for an hour.
"6th.—Engaged at orderly-room work, and rubbing-up drill. My mind more at peace than it is generally. I was with Jones for a short time in the evening. I told him I had been to see Cranny and Brunt. I am afraid I did so with the idea that I should be thought well of. I must strive much against self-righteousness. Let me always endeavour to feel that, having done all, I am but an unprofitable servant.
"8th.— Prayed rather hurriedly, owing to putting it off too late. Wrote to Mary. Intended to have gone to see Cranny and Brunt, but had not time. At Dr. Twining's class in the evening; there were sixteen sergeants, two privates, and two women present. Prayed at night about twelve o'clock.
"9th.— Awoke sleepy and dull, but after prayer felt much happier. Lost my temper once or twice with the men. I feel I am unable of myself to do any thing aright. Read Luke xv. with Cranny, and prayed. Afterwards read and prayed with Brunt. In the evening I became unhappy, from thoughts of all my former sins.
"17th.— In a very happy state of mind after prayer; still the merest trifles distract my mind. I attended the Temperance Meeting in the evening, when I was delighted to see about sixty soldiers of the 97th. I wish the whole regiment would join.
Sunday 18th. — Went to the Sunday-schooL In the evening, we had sixteen officers and men at the class in the hospital. Went to church afterwards. Text — 'Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.' Oh ! do thou grant me this, for Jesus Christ's sake.
"20th.— Arose this morning with no near views of Jesus. Out of temper again to-day. Oh! I must strive against this. Read with Cranny for half an hour; then went to Dr. Twining's class. Two there besides myself. I have forgotten God to-day. Thoughts wandering in prayer. I must look entirely to Christ, and live out of myself.
"26th. — Spoke to Halyard and two others this morning about religion. I believe Halyard to be truly converted. He was with poor Brunt last night. He could not speak. He is probably dead now, poor fellow! If so, I trust that his soul is now with the 'spirits of just men made perfect.' Prayed with some fervour. My past sins strike me now so differently from what they did. Jesus is my only hope. Read and prayed in the evening for an hour and a half with Brunt. I think he is dying.
"28th. — Was preserved, in answer to my prayer from an evil temper at drill. Oh! my God, grant it may always be so. Read and prayed with poor Brunt. Four of the 97th soldiers came in, and sat down. I have great hopes of all. I was enabled to speak to them pretty freely.
"August 9th. — In a happy frame of mind nearly all day. Went to the levee at two o'clock. Dined with Jones: talked with him on religious subjects; felt a good deal of pride in talking. Oh! my God, enable me to overcome this, and to feel myself indeed to be but a worthless sinner.
"10th. — Had happy thoughts of Jesus. Not many wandering thoughts at morning prayer. Showed how far I am from hating sin, by telling with pleasure of some of my mad acts at Malta to two of my brother officers.
"16th. — Still in a torpid state of mind. O god, grant that I am not going back in religion! How seldom have I this day thought of all Christ has done for me. Did not read a chapter this afternoon; prayer wandering. Read a Psalm with Brunt, but not at all happy in doing so. Read the papers till too late at night, and in evening prayer found my thoughts wandering. Oh! my God, give me thy Holy Spirit, or I must fall back to my old state! Oh! that I could rest more entirely on thee for strength!
"21st. — * * * Read and prayed with Brunt. Was enabled to speak to him, but felt how little right I had to speak.
"23d. — My mind more tranquil during the day. God I thank thee that thou hast answered my prayers, and enabled me to fix my heart on my Saviour. May I live for the future to thy glory! I want to love Christ above all. Read and prayed with Brunt for some time.
"24th. — My mind more composed to-day than usual. I must have a regular system of reading the Scriptures every day. Psalm in the morning, Gospel in the afternoon, and Epistle in the evening. Did wrong in the evening in laughing at poor ——. I must give up teasing him, for it is unchristian-like. God, give me thy Holy Spirit to enable me to overcome this habit.
26th. — I begin to see more clearly every day the depravity of my heart, and my own utter inability to turn to God of myself. At the class, in the evening, about fifteen. I went to Dr. Twining's afterwards. Spoke ill-naturedly of one or two. I would that I could do two things — never speak about myself and never speak evil of any one.
27th. — Have had happy thoughts of Christ to-day. Oh! what cause have I to love Him! God, I would devote myself to thee forever. I want chiefly grace to look out of myself — to look to Christ alone. The missionary M'Gordon came to me in the evening. He is a very good man. He talked to me of Christ.
"30th. — Had thoughts of unbelief this morning. Spoke to Langford and Wilcox; hope what I said to them may prove, through God's blessing, of some good. I feel that pride is one of my most besetting sins. Oh, that I had a humble spirit! God, undeserving as I am, grant me more of thy Holy Spirit.
"September 2d. — I have just come from seeing poor Brunt's corpse. I went there to read with him, and found him in his coffin. Oh, how my heart smote me! It is ten days since I last read with him. Forgive me, my God, this, and give me thy Holy Spirit to sanctify me more and more for thy service.
"September 8th. — Remained in bed till half-past seven. Much troubled with doubts of my being justified and the fear that I am striving to gain heaven. O God, give me thy Holy Spirit, that I may look solely to my Saviour! Better after prayer. Afraid to talk to my orderly on religion.
"September 11th. — Remained in bed till nearly eight o'clock. Oh, how hard it is to do what I know to be right! Prayed to-day for help from above to enable me to strive more against a growing desire to save myself. O God, enable me to look to the finished work of Jesus.
"Saturday 20th. — Passed the day in a very listless manner — did not, through a sort of fear, go and read with Cranny. Joking too much for my own happiness and comfort. Read a little of Haweis on the Sacrament. Oh, do thou. Holy Spirit, shine into my heart, and sanctify and prepare me for partaking aright of the blessed sacrament of the body and blood of Christ on Sunday!
"Sunday, 26th. — In a very happy frame of mind nearly all day. Went to a prayer-meeting at half past six o'clock A.M. Partook of the sacrament; rather a happy season. I trust I shall keep the vows I made.
"October 19th. — Got up at half-past six. Grievously distressed with thoughts of my great sins. O God, thou art of purer eyes than to behold my iniquity, yet for thy dear Son's sake, forgive me all my sins. I well know their exceeding sinfulness, but the blood of Christ cleanseth me from all sin.
"October 29th. — Remained in bed till eight o'clock. Must give up this slothfulness. Had not time to read my chapter till twelve o'clock, all owing to love of sleep. At mess, scarcely any thoughts of Jesus; slight symptoms of a desire to return to the world and sin.
"November 5th. — Rose at seven o'clock. Would that I could fix my waking thoughts on Jesus! How few are the moments I think of Him to those in which I forget Him! Walked with Desmond and Nash. Kirkby wrote me a letter thanking me for bringing him back to trust in Jesus. He talks of his sins. Little does he know the sinner he talks to.
"15th. — Arose at seven. A few thoughts of Jesus whilst dressing. I would that I had a heart more entirely set on things above! What a body of sin I carry about! Received the reports of the Mic-mac Missionary Society — rather proud at seeing my name in the list of subscribers. When shall I conquer this detestable pride? When shall I look upon myself as the vilest of sinners, as indeed I am?
"16th. — At the class offered up a few ejaculatory prayers to Him who seeth in secret. Walked out with Dr. Twining — spoke very profitably together about our precious Saviour. I told him what just came into my mind, namely, that I lost at Corfu the Bible my mother gave me about seven years ago, and after being about five years without any, I purchased a small one at Jamaica I think, but of so indistinct a print that I could scarcely read it. I certainly rarely did. O God, may I redeem the time that may yet be left me. I shall keep my diary in another book to-morrow, and make out a few rules to go by."
The following passage might truly be called the creed of his heart:
"I have got over some rough ground since I was first led to seek after happiness, where alone it can be found, in the religion of Jesus. I have had to battle much against the temptations of the world, the flesh, and the devil; but though often on the point of giving up the struggle in despair, the goodness, the long suffering, the wondrous loving-kindness of my God have guarded and watched over me, and kept me from falling utterly away from him. Oh, what cause have I to give him most humble and hearty thanks for all his goodness towards me. When I look back on my past life, nearly six and twenty years, I see nothing but an accumulation of transgression and sin. Oh, my soul, let me remember with disgust and horror that for nearly five and twenty years I was a willing servant of Satan. What aggravates my wickedness is, that it has been all committed in spite of the advice and warnings of a truly Christian mother, and how often I have silenced the voice of conscience. But why dwell any more on a life which has been wasted? Why bring up the remembrance of sins, each one of which would have murdered my soul had I died in the act of commission? I do it that they may humble and prostrate me in the dust before that holy God who has said, 'the soul that sinneth it shall die.' I acknowledge, O my God, that hell is only my desert — that were I ever consigned to its abode it would be but a just recompense for my transgressions. Let me ever keep in mind that if I am saved it must be entirely and solely through Divine mercy in Christ Jesus. Were I to be judged according to my works, I should be justly condemned. But thanks be to God for the gift of his precious Word which reveals his wondrous love in sending his only-begotten Son into the world to die for sinners. There I read that Jesus Christ was crucified for me, that he bore in his body all my sins — that his blood cleanseth from all sin — that He has paid the penalty due to sin — that He has satisfied God's intense hatred towards sin. Had my salvation depended upon keeping the law, I should be without hope, for I have broken it thousands of times. But through this man, the Lord Jesus, is preached the forgiveness of sins, and they that believe are justified from all things. Oh, then, let me close with God's free offer of salvation to all, 'Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved.' Let me look to Christ as my righteousness, sanctification, and redemption. Let me lay aside every weight and the sin which doth so easily beset me, and let me run with patience the race set before me, looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of my faith, working out my own salvation with fear and trembling, remembering that it is God that worketh in me to will and to do of his good pleasure. I would from this day give up the remainder of my life to the service of God. I will keep on this diary that I may be able to trace the progress I make in the Christian life, and I will faithfully put down everything. I will draw up some rules to enable me the better to devote some portion of each day to God's service. By these I will be guided while I remain in Halifax."
WINTER.
"Rise every morning at seven o'clock. Meditate on a text whilst dressing. From eight to nine, read a chapter in the Old Testament, and prayer. From nine to ten, breakfast, and read newspaper, or any light book, carefully avoiding novels. From ten to one, orderly room work. From one to half-past two, a chapter in the Gospels, and prayer. From half-past two to four, orderly room work. From four to six, exercise, visiting sick people, etc. Offer up a short prayer before going to mess, that God would keep me from temptation. After dinner, offer up a prayer to God first; then read books of general interest; and give an hour to my Bible and prayer before going to bed; and oh, I beseech thee, my heavenly Father; to enable me thus to devote the remainder of my days to Thee! May my motto be, 'Not slothful in business, but fervent in spirit, serving the Lord.'
"November 19th.— Rose at seven o'clock. Meditated, whilst dressing, on 'Ye must be born again.' Oh, how happy I am when I can fix my thoughts on Jesus! Much engaged during the day in orderly room work. In the afternoon spoke, for a short time, to Hylyard. Whilst on my way to the mess, thought on that text, 'There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not alter the flesh but after the Spirit.' During dinner, rather too much given to levity. Gave a dollar to a district charity. I do not know that I gave it in a right spirit. I know I look too much to what the world may say of me if I do not give. Oh, that I may do all things with a single eye to the glory of God. Evening prayer distracted. Oh, that I could shut out the world; that I could banish my own evil heart when at prayer! How sweet would then be my communion with God! Read 2 Thess. ii.
"November 20th.— Stayed in bed this morning till twenty minutes past seven. I have broken one of my rules again. I must endeavour to conquer this slothfulness. Read again John viii. What comfort in reading the Saviour's love and compassion, 'Go, and sin no more.' Jesus, I would hear Thy voice saying to me, 'Go, and sin no more.' My sins have been exceeding great, but they do not exceed Thy love and willingness to pardon. Yet how prone I am to think otherwise. Lord increase my faith. Read some of Bickersteth's 'Life.' Oh, that I had more of his devotion and love to the Saviour! I sometimes really doubt whether I believe that Jesus bled and suffered for me; for although I have a kind of belief that He did, yet how small my gratitude and love; how cold and hard my heart! I have not shed a tear for months; in fact, I do not think I ever cried over my sins more than three or four times.
"November 22nd. — Endeavoured to meditate, whilst dressing, on 'My soul longeth, yea, even fainteth for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh crieth out for the living God.' Alas, my soul, how different it is with thee! Mr.— called to ask me if I would become a district visitor, to which I agreed. Met Dr. Twining, on my return from walking, and told him that Mr.— had asked me to become a visitor. He disapproved of it, and said that my duly was to devote my spare time to the soldiers of my regiment. I feel that I have not been sufficiently earnest in this of late. Oh, let me start once again in the path of my own Christian duty, labouring alone from love to Christ, and praying always for his blessing on whatever I may undertake. Let me devote all my energies to the work of endeavouring to bring my fellow-sinners and fellow-soldiers unto Jesus; and do Thou, my heavenly father, bless my feeble efforts, and make me the means in Thy hands of bringing many from darkness to light. May I ever feel it a glorious privilege to be permitted to raise my voice in the cause of that Saviour whom I have so often rejected and denied; and when discouraged by seeing no good results, let me put faith in Thee, and in Thy word, 'Cast thy bread upon the waters, and thou shalt find it again after many days.' May I never omit earnest prayer for all those in whom I may perceive any sign of grace, and never despair of the hardest-hearted sinner, remembering what I once was.
"January 8th, 1853. — Rose at seven. Meditated on the words, 'I will hear what God the Lord will speak; for He will speak peace to his people and to his saints; but let them not turn again to folly.' May I ever, ever be guided by the promptings of the Holy Spirit. Let me wait patiently for His outpouring; then shall I have peace and joy; my soul shall magnify the Lord, and my spirit shall rejoice in God my Saviour. But, oh, let me beware of self-confidence and security. "Let him that thinketh he standeth, take heed lest he fall.'
"Sunday, 9th. — Rose at ten minutes after seven. Text, 'If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you.' What comfort, what consolation! O, Jesus, may I ever rest all my hopes on Thee. May I study to please Thee, and may thy word be my delight. Very happy all day. Was enabled to speak freely with the children at the class. They were more attentive than usual, Jesus, I would thank Thee for having answered my petition. I do not recollect ever being more free from wandering thoughts than on this day. Dr. Twining wrote me a note to say that as he was not well, he could not come to the class, but requested me to attend for him. Read 1 Peter ii., and prayed that God would assist me to expound it to the men. I felt very nervous about praying before so many — there being about twenty-four present and several of my brother officers. God did assist me, and I was enabled to pray, I trust, from my heart.
"18th. — Spoke to Jackson, of the Grenadiers. I was just kneeling down to pray, when I remembered that this was the class day at Dr. Twining's; hurried down there, and afterwards N— and I talked together rather unprofitably, and so the day passed by without a prayer since eight o'clock! This, has been the first day, since I made my rules, that I have forgotten to pray at noon as well as at morning and night. O Jesus, forgive me; and grant that as this is the first, so it may be the last time that I neglect to pray to Thee, the hearer and answerer of prayer.
"23rd. — * * * Lord Jesus, I would give myself up to be led by Thee in all things. Give me greater energy and zeal in the performance of my temporal duties. Enable me to please my Colonel, and yet to please Thee.
"Sunday, April 24th, 1853. — Heard a very good sermon from 'Whosoever shall be ashamed of me and my words, of him shall the Son of man be ashamed when He shall come in his own glory, and in his Father's, and of the holy angels.' Oh, does not this but too truly apply to me? Am I not often afraid of confessing Christ before men? O Jesus, make me to care less for the opinion of man, and more, far more, of what Thou thinkest. Went to hear Mr. Maturin at St. Luke's — a very good sermon, and enjoyed it. O Jesus, may the remembrance of my having again approached thy table, and renewed my vows to Thee, cause me to live closer to Thee for the rest of my life; and do Thou, blessed Spirit, warm this cold heart of mine!"