THE DARK DAY. 99
on.
It was one suited to such a day as had passed.
“The slight breeze that had ruffled the water of the bay, was hushed; I endeavoured to hasten my boat, but there was neither current, nor land mark to guide in the various eddies made by these separating channels in the bay. I had utterly lost my course, and the intensity of darkness thickened on me at every moment; I sat down in the stern of the boat; and felt, for the first time, for many weeks, some feeling of self; some personal anxiety. Death could have no terrors for me but to die so to go out in loneliness; to have no hand to smooth the pillow; none to close the eye no kind maternal bosom to pillow the agonized head to receive the last wish; and no friend to close the eyes in the decencies of death; these, and a thousand other thoughts rushed through my mind in a moment. In vain I attempted to discern a single objectmy hand within six inches of my face was totally invisible. In a small locker of the boat were carefully deposited instruments for striking fire, and after much exertion I succeeded in lighting a candle; this did but add to the horrors of the night. Its beams did not extend beyond the width of the boat; and so palpable was the darkness, that it seemed as if shadows were as visible upon it as upon a solid wall. I shouted with my utmost powers, and my voice scarcely reached my own ears; it seemed stifled; again I cried to the top of my lungs; the sound was thick and scarcely audible, as if a bandage was upon my mouth the bare tip of light that sat upon the wick of the candle, scarcely consuming it, at length expired. There was neither sight, nor sound, nor motion I felt a strange sensation creeping over me my thoughts were evidently wandering: I exerted myself to retain my reason -I endeavoured to fix my mind to some definite object; but then, not even Miriam could retain it. I knew that insanity in its worst form was approaching; yet, I was sensible to my state; and while I shouted with frenzy, I felt a doubt of the propriety or necessity of my exertions. Overcome at length, I sunk exhausted and senseless to the bottom of the boat.
“How long I lay there I cannot tell; when I recovered, my father and two of the neighbours were carrying me from the shore to a carriage. I was weak, and could scarcely move a limb. I remember there was much blood upon me, but whether I had ruptured a blood vessel, in crying out, or had torn my flesh, I knew not; but weak as I was, I could perceive that the peculiarly hushed manner of my father, his continual affirmative answer to every question I put to him, together with his evasive reply to requests; had a reference to my mental rather than bodily infirmities. He evidently believed me insane. That I had suffered enough to make me so, that I had been so the night previous, was evident; but then, so far as bodily weakness would permit, my mind was sound, whatever occurred thereafter, then I was not crazy.
“Yet no sooner had I entered the house,
than
all things conspired to convince me that the family no longer regarded me as one of its accountable members. I was melancholy, it is true -but I never had been gay and recent afflictions would warrant, I supposed, a temporary yielding to their influence; when I spoke of the events of the day and night which I passed upon the beach and bay, they attempted to draw my attention from them; yet it was certain that they had experienced the same phenomenon of darkness during the day, and the thick darkness of the night darkness that might be felt, “which I had noticed; the children spoke of it, and the older people referred to it with wonder. When I left the house I could see that I was carefully watched my knife was taken from my pocket -the clergyman was called to pray over me; with a distant allusion to my supposed malady; children shrunk from me in the street -or derided my imaginary infirmity; all these things I bore, because I knew that my efforts to convince my friends of my sanity, would be construed into confirmation of their own suspicions.
“One day, I was engaged alone in a room sharpening a razor, and, I believe, I was speaking, uttering aloud my thoughts, when my father rushed into the chamber, seized the razor, threw it violently from him, and then grasped me strongly by the hands; my mother at the same moment entered the room, with horror depicted on her face. I was at no loss to guess their fears, and for the first time, I spoke to them of their error. I besought them to consider that I had committed no act to excite such suspicions to remember that they were adding to their own burthens, and imposing upon me a load of pain and obloquy, that I could not long endure; they were separating me from my kind, and could not fail of realizing upon me their worst suspicions. If I desired to take my life, “said I, “were there not means at all times within my reach the bay on one side, and the river on the other; why should I resort to such instruments, as those of which you deprive me. I have lived long enough to see all that rendered existence dear, torn from my grasp, and in my spring of life, every green leaf and every fountain seared and dried up -but I have not asked for death; I have made my respect for kindred a check upon my utter recklessness of events. I have been unto you a profitless, but not a disobedient son. I have been wayward towards Heaven, but I would not outrage its laws. '
“My parents paused I thought them convinced indeed they were. When I attempted to leave my chamber next morning, I found the door fastened. I called, but no one answered. I beat against the door, but it would not yield to my efforts. It was then true, I thought, I am condemned as a maniac, to be immured in this or some other narrow space, without hope of retreat. There was madness in such a thought, and it was indeed coming. One effort remained, and after attempting to force the door, I set about it. It was to tear my bed clothes in strips, and by them lower myself from the window. I
