never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation" (Mark iii. 29). And I did the rather give credit to this because of that sentence in the Hebrews: "For ye know how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected: for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears." And this stuck always with me.
149. And now was I both a burden and a terror to myself; now was I weary of my life, and yet afraid to die. Oh, how gladly now would I have been anybody but myself—anything but a man, and in any condition but my own! for there was nothing did pass more frequently over my mind than that it was impossible for me to be forgiven my transgressions and to he saved from the wrath to come.
150. And now I began to call back time that was past, wishing a thousand times twice told that the day was yet to come when I should be tempted to such a sin; concluding with great indignation, both against my heart and all assaults, how I would rather have been torn in pieces than be found a consenter thereto. But, alas, these wishings and resolvings were now too late to help me; this thought had passed my heart, God hath let me go, and and I am fallen. Oh, thought I, that it was with me "as in months past, as in the days when God preserved me" (Job xxix. 2).
151. Then again I began to compare my sin with others, to see if I could find any of those who were saved had done as I had done. So I considered David's adultery and murder, and found them most heinous crimes, and those, too, committed after light and grace received; but yet, by considering, I perceived that his transgressions were, only such as were against the law of Moses, frome which the Lord Christ could, with the consent of his Word, deliver him. But was against the gospel—Yea, against the Mediator thereof: have sold my Saviour.
152. Now again as should I be as if racked upon the wheel
