dren of Israel that because they, would not go up to possess the land when God would have them, therefore for ever after he did bar them out from thence, though they prayed they might with tears. (Num. xiv. 36, 37, etc.)
178. As 'tis said in another place (Exod. xxi. 14), The man that sins presumptuously shall be taken from God's altar, that he may die; even as Joab was by King Solomon, when he thought to find shelter there. (1 Kings ii. 28, etc.) These places did pinch me very sore, yet I thought with myself, I can but die; and if it must be so, it shall once be said that such a one died at the foot of Christ in prayer. This I did, but with great difficulty, God doth know, and that because still that saying about Esau would be set at my heart, even like a flaming sword, to keep the way of the tree of life, lest I should take thereof and live. Oh, who knows how hard a thing I found it to come to God in prayer?
179. I did also desire the prayers of the people of God for me, but I feared that God would give them no heart to do it; yea, I trembled in my soul to think that some or other of them would shortly tell me that God hath said those words to them that he once did say to the prophet concerning the children of Israel, "Pray not thou for this people" (Jer. xi. 14), "for I have rejected them; so, Pray not for him, for I have rejected him. Yea, I thought that he had whispered this to some of them already, only they durst not tell me so; neither durst I ask them of it, for fear if it should be so it would make me quite beside myself. "Man knows the beginning of sin," said Spira, "but who bounds the issues thereof?"
180. About this time I took an opportunity to break my mind to an ancient Christian, and told him all my case. I told him also that I was afraid that I had sinned a sin against the Holy Ghost, and he told me he thought so too. Here, therefore, I; had but cold comfort. But talking a little more with him, I found him, though a good man, a stranger to
