much combat with the devil; wherefore I went to God again, as well as I could, for mercy still.
181. Now also did the tempter begin to mock me in my misery, saying that, seeing I thus parted with the Lord Jesus, and provoked him to displeasure who would have stood between my soul and the flame of devouring fire, there I there was now but one way, and that was to pray that God the Father would be the mediator betwixt his Son and me, that we might be reconciled again, and that I might have that blessed benefit in him that his blessed saints enjoyed.
182. Then did that scripture seize upon my soul, He is of one mind, and who can turn him? Oh, I saw 'twas as easy to persuade him to make a new world, a new covenant, or new Bible, besides that we have already, as to pray for such a thing; and then would that saying rend my soul asunder, "Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name under heaven given among men whereby we must be saved" (Acts iv. 12).
183. Now the most free and full and gracious words of the gospel were the greatest torments to me; yea, nothing so afflicted me as the thoughts of Jesus Christ, the remembrance of a Saviour; nothing did twinge my conscience like this. Everything that I thought of the Lord Jesus—of his grace, love, goodness, kindness, gentleness, meekness, death, blood, promises, and blessed exhortations, comforts and consolations—it went to my soul like a sword; for still unto these my considerations of the Lord Jesus these thoughts would make place for themselves in my heart: Ay, this the Jesus, the loving Saviour, the Son of God, whom you hate inserted with, whom you have slighted, despised, and abused. This is the only Saviour, the only Redeemer, the only one that could so love sinners has to wash them from their signs in his most precious blood. But you no part nor lot in this Jesus. You have put him from you; you have said in your heart, Let him go if he will.
