Pleased to Meet You/Chapter 10
Herr Guadeloupe, refreshed by a good snooze, descended in a more hopeful mood. As he entered the salon, however, he halted in alarm, fearing another of those scenes of violence for which the palace was famous. Silhouetted against the tall windows was a menacing figure, with arms raised above its head and holding an object of dangerous shape. A bomb, thought the Presdent, and dodged hastily behind the high-backed sofa. But Romsteck, standing by seemed calm even if disapproving. Looking again, the President saw that it was Cointreau, glittering in blue and gold, with a sword in a scarlet sash and a cocked hat with a plume. Apparently he was in a state of violent passion: his arms were lifted and quivering as if in imprecation; he was agitating a vase wrapped in a napkin, from which came a rattling sound.
"What ho!" said the Colonel. "How do you like the Dalmatian Admiral? Pretty nifty. I'm giving the Major his first lesson in cocktails. I got the shaker from the hotel at Laubach. They'll send the bill for it to old Leutz. I thought the Republic ought to own one."
He continued to brandish while the others watched in doubtful silence; then he poured three doses of pale yellowish fluid and held out two of them.
"Try that, boys," he said familiarly. "Where I come from that's supposed to be the River of Lethe at high tide."
"In Geneva?" asked the President innocently.
"Geneva!" exclaimed the Colonel scornfully, but then checked himself.—"Yes, exactly. Indeed, Herr President, the word gin is merely an abbreviation of Geneva, as any dictionary will inform. Why the very last thing Ramsay Macdonald said to me was, Teach them to drink cocktails. It'll help them over many a rough place."
Guadeloupe and Romsteck drank, and were struck chiefly by the extreme icy chill of the draught. It tasted, they thought, rather like paregoric dimly flavoured with orange.
"It seems mild enough," said the President, holding out his glass.
"Only one to begin with," the Colonel advised. "I have seen European statesmen of the very highest rank, overconfident with this mixture, sign away whole provinces. No, Herr President, speaking as your adviser, if you desire to emerge from this negotiation with a whole skin, go easy on the cocktail. Myself, having less at stake, perhaps I may be permitted"
He poured himself a second and handed the shaker to the butler.
"Remove it," he said. "Bring it in again after the Ambassador's arrival."
"Major, is everything in readiness?" asked Guadeloupe.
Romsteck was well aware of the importance of the occasion.
"Yes, Herr President. The American shrub has been generously displayed in Frau Quackenbush's bedroom, and also elsewhere about the house. The staff have their instructions."
"It makes a pretty decoration," said Cointreau, admiring the sprays of goldenrod on the marble mantel. "Just matches my epaulettes. I also instructed Lorli to dress Fräulein Nyla in yellow, which will go well with these trousers. The sword must have been rather a nuisance to Dalmatian admirals. An awkward thing when you're trotting round a dry-dock." He removed the weapon and laid it on the table.
"And now, Herr President, suppose we run over our vocabulary while we can. Did you study the list of informal phrases I wrote down for you?"
Guadeloupe took out a sheet of paper and glanced over it anxiously.
"I tried. American seems an eccentric language."
"The Americans are an eccentric people. What would you say if you wanted to express to Herr Quackenbush that something had made a powerful impression on you?"
"Zat gived me a vhale of a kick," replied the President, whose American had a rich guttural and laryngic timbre.
"Excellent," commended the Colonel. "The very idiom. Anda phrase of admiration in honour of a lady whom you desired to compliment?"
The President pondered.
"I say, she is hot dog."
Cointreau shook his head.
"I tell ze vorld, she is hard-boiled."
"That might be true," said the tutor, "but not diplomatic."
"I say she have four flushes."
"Wrong again. We'd better go over this once more."
They were interrupted in their studies by Romsteck, who announced that the Ambassador's car was coming down the avenue. The President waited nervously, muttering phrases to himself. Through the doors, open to the warm summer afternoon, they could hear the approaching whirr, but above this there rose shrill yells of distress. They looked at each other doubtfully.
"Is it possible that Frau Quackenbush arrives in hysterics?" said the Colonel. "This is ominous for the debt."
"I think it is a dog," said the President. "That same dog that followed me down the avenue yesterday. I recognize his voice." Troubled by this indignity he forgot his instructions, which were to remain in the Blue Room until the guests were ushered in. He seized the gilded sword of the Dalmatian Navy and ran briskly to the front door to drive off the intrusive animal.
But it wasn't the dog. Herr Leutz, pale with trouble, was climbing from the front seat of the government flivver, while inside the car Mr. and Mrs. Quackenbush strove to control a small girl of about nire years who was evidently in an advanced stage of weariness and bad temper. "I don't want to go to another hotel," she screamed. "I'm sickantired of hotels. Take me back to Geneva."
"Don't smack her again, Ulysses," said Mrs. Quackenbush. "It only makes her worse. Hush, Treasure. It isn't a hotel. This is where the President lives."
The screams were halted by the surprising sight of Herr Guadeloupe popping out among the assembled footmen with sword in hand. "It is a hotel," she whimpered. "I can see the elevator man," and she pointed to the Dalmatian Admiral who had appeared in the doorway. The yells began again when Herr Leutz, after a piteous glance at the horrified President, tried to lift the child out of the car. Mr. Quackenbush seized her savagely and handed her to Romsteck who carried her in and deposited her howling on the floor. A truck, containing at least three times as much baggage as the President and Nyla had brought, drove up behind the flivver. Among the general movement of servants Herr Leutz seized the opportunity to flee. He leaped into the car and was driven away.
With a series of sweeping bows and with gestures rather than articulate words the guests were cajoled into the drawing room. Mr. Quackenbush, a large handsome hearty gentleman impressively Senatorial in appearance, had not unnaturally assumed both the small man in the ill-fitting cutaway and the splendid figure in naval uniform to be attendants of some sort. Preceding weeks of this his first trip abroad had already been so full of surprises that now nothing could startle him. When Guadeloupe, in an accent enriched by embarrassment, introduced himself and presented Colonel Cointreau as his interpreter, the American envoy's manner was perfect.
"Some baby," said Guadeloupe soothingly, putting out a friendly hand toward the odious child, who gazed at him with concentrated hostility. "I am strong for vife und kiddies," he added with a polite obeisance.
Mrs. Quackenbush, holding the small girl firmly in leash, had the bearing of a resolute lady accustomed to preside over large Middle-Western women's clubs. The President, scanning her powerful bosomy figure, couldn't help morbidly thinking of her as a dancing partner. She looked prosperous and well-knit, the kind of person who would resent being trodden on.
"Oh Mr. President," she exclaimed, "do forgive our having brought the little girl without warning, but our Swiss nurse fell ill unexpectedly and we had no time to arrange to leave her in Geneva. I'm sorry she's so upset, but you know what children are, it's such a trying journey. Mildred, make your pretty curtsey to the President, that's a Treasure."
Mildred ducked sullenly.
"Please?" said Herr Guadeloupe inquiringly. He was ambitious to air his smattering of American, but his ear was not quick enough to follow rapid conversation.
"I think this is a bum hotel," said Mildred. "I bet there's no hot water."
"Pleasure to receive hard-boiled Americans to our tender republic," said Guadeloupe. "I tell de vorld." Here he broke down and gazed helplessly at the Colonel.
"My interpretation tell de vorld," he concluded.
"The President wants me to assure you of the warmth of his welcome," said Cointreau. "He apologizes for the meagerness of his English; I fear that I myself am not perfect."
"Why, you speak elegantly!" cried Mrs. Quackenbush. "Such a relief! You know we were so embarrassed when we got orders from Washington to come here, our French is bad enough but our German simply doesn't exist."
"Why does the elevator man wear a sword?" said Mildred.
"Hush, Treasure. You mustn't be rude. I'm sorry Mildred is a little peevish. She can be so sweet when she's herself. She's not just an ordinary Mildred, are you Treasure? You know she was named for her grandfather, General Mildred of Cincinnati."
"Hot dog!" said the President cheerily, eager to propitiate Quackenbush. "Your maternal vife give me one vhale of a kick, Herr Ambassador. Pretty nifty! Now perhaps she please to undress herself."
"The Herr President overstates his intention," explained Cointreau tactfully. "He does not always mean all that he seems to say."
"He's funnier than Charlie Chaplin," said Mildred. "Come on, boy, take us up in the elevator. What's the number of our room? I want to write my name in the register myself."
Her exasperated parents, already goaded by a long journey cooped in a compartment with their difficult urchin, made a joint move toward her, but at that moment Romsteck piloted in two footmen with trays of cocktails and caviar sandwiches. Mildred eluded the punitive grasp, skipped briskly across the room and seized one of the glasses.
"Gee, I'm thirsty," she cried, and drained it. "Why do they wear short pants?"
"Mildred!" exclaimed her father furiously.
"She'll be ill," said her mother. "Treasure, how can you behave so?"
In all his career as a diplomatist Colonel Cointreau never surpassed his conduct at that moment. He saw that the Quackenbushes were approaching the frontiers of endurance. With skillful suggestion he lured the excited child onto the terrace, promising to keep her amused while Frau Quackenbush could unpack in peace.