Pleased to Meet You/Chapter 11
"Now you must have American cock's tails," said Guadeloupe, somewhat nervous to find himself left without his interpreter. He drank one hastily himself, hoping it might cause some sprouting in his small garden of American idiom. "So much I hear about your great outlandish contry. Ve drink to dose Unitarian States, de whole tirteen of dem."
The envoy bowed graciously. "You mustn't feel offended," he said, "if Mrs. Quackenbush doesn't drink. She is a leading member of our W.C.T.U."
"Yes, yes," said the President, puzzled, but desperately anxious to understand. "Quite natural after a long journey."
But he could see from Herr Quackenbush's startled face that he had erred in some mysterious way. He struggled bravely to improve.
"Be qvite easy. Frau Quackenbush shall plenty to drink enjoy. Your liddle offsprings too. Ha ha, how it leap upon de cock's tail! Ve onderstand, peoples from de League alvays some lushers. I tink you like our liddle contry, Herr Ambassador?"
"I think so indeed. Of course you have very different views from ourselves."
"Views! Ah, for views, Herr Ambassador—when de sun sits down in de mountains, all rosy in de icebergs! Dose icebergs are like companions, as good for Frau Quackenbush as a second hosband."
"I'm afraid, Herr President, you are premature in calling me Ambassador. My nomination hasn't yet been ratified by the Senate."
"It is de same ting," said Guadeloupe, blissfully ignorant of American politics. "Ve so happy to be recognize by America, great contry, rich but honest. You tell your President perhaps, Illyria small contry very poor. Ve soffer pretty nifty in de Var, de Var got our goats good and plenty, I tell de vorld."
"Let us drink to a happier future," said Herr Quackenbush kindly. "These cocktails are delicious."
"Is it not so!" exclaimed the delighted host. "Colonel Cointreau tell me, dat is de drink you Americans use to put hair on de chest. To de generous great Repoblic of Unitarian States! Ich trink auf Ihr Wohl, Herr Ambassador. I spik Engleesch, a liddle, but American is hard-boiled, makes to me a little cuckoo."
"I think you do very well, Herr President," said Quackenbush politely, though inwardly a little staggered by the other's figures of speech. "You have several phrases of quite lively American slang."
"You think? Dat is my interpretations, Colonel Cointreau. A most singular man. It is de Colonel who introduce de cock's tails, he visit America, he spik all de tongues of men und of angels, dance de folk dance, he is how you say my right hand, I tell de vorld. I vish you talk mid him, he put you vise to everything."
"That is the gentleman in naval uniform?"
"He looks like naval's uniforms, Herr Ambassador, but dat is uniform of interpretations in Illyria. Colonel Cointreau say no officer so important as interpretation who make rich powerful contries understand troubles of poor little contries. Important officers must have important uniforms."
"And the gentleman who met us at the station, that is your Finance Minister? I suppose he is the one with whom we shall discuss the matter of payments?"
The President, painfully aware that Dlyria and the United States would be discussing payments for at least sixty years, was anxious to postpone the topic as long as possible.
"To-night I hope ve tink only of happiness. Anodder cock's tail, Herr Ambassador? So ve have arrange for you and Frau Quackenbush a little dinner, mit dancings und lust. Colonel Cointreau he is de man, alvays lusting. So chenial und so nifty mit his feets, he dance mit Frau Quackenbush, he give her a vhale of a kick."
"It's very kind of you, I'm sure. What a wonderful old house this is."
"Ve hope you und Frau Quackenbush be careless here in Farniente just so careless as you were to your own house. Ve show you all our interests, yes, de pullet holes vere dey shoot at de Grand Dukes, de pilliard tables vere dey lay out de corpses. My interpretation he exblain, he haf de gift of de gab. Like peoples in America he have how you call rubber heels. Alvays so comical, I tell de vorld. Such a charming, he can treadon people's corns und dey thank him for it."
"He'd make a good ambassador," remarked Herr Quackenbush.
Meanwhile the highly-praised interpreter had found Mildred not bad company. She was a spoiled precocious child, and now tired and cross, but this was the first time she had gone walking with an elevator man and she was naturally flattered. The Colonel's artful wiles completed the conquest his uniform had begun. He showed her the moat, held her hand while she walked on the balustrade, made tempting suggestions of future adventures with boats and fishing, and allowed her to carry the sword. Soon she was chattering away gaily. It had been her notion to insist, with screams if necessary, on staying up for dinner, but he tactfully persuaded her that an early supper and bed would put her in better condition for junkets in the morning.
"I guess there's not many Americans comes here to Illyria," she said. She was aware that she had not cut a good figure at her entrance, and with sound feminine instinct she was hunting about in her mind for reasons to re-establish her self-esteem. "I guess maybe I'm the first American child that's ever been here. You know, my nurse, in Geneva, she wasn't really sick, she just got nervous prostrations from taking care of me. I can give most any nurse nervous prostrations if I really try."
"I'm sure you can," said the Colonel. "It's a gift."
"You ought to be running an elevator in a hotel in America," she remarked. "You've got too much class for an old dump like this. Maybe I could get you a job at our hotel in Washington. I don't suppose you ever get any decent tips here.
"I manage to get along."
"It's nice to have someone to talk to," she said graciously. "Daddy and Mother aren't really congenial to me, and these people over here are such boobs about speaking English. Lots of times I have things on my mind and can't say them."
"Nothing is more painful, I quite agree."
"There was another American on the train, but he didn't amount to much."
"How can you tell when they amount to much?"
"Well, you're a foreigner, I guess you won't understand. Daddy told me for God's sake to take a walk in the corridor so's he could get a nap. In one of the other cars I saw this man, and he was chewing gum. That's how I knew he didn't amount to much. He was riding second class, too."
"It's useful to have a way you can tell, isn't it," said the Colonel amiably.
"He was some kind of policeman."
The Colonel seemed interested. "That was queer. What would an American policeman be doing, way over here?"
"He said he was looking for someone. He offered me a stick of gum, but when I told him who I was of course he knew I wouldn't take it."
"Where was he going?"
"He didn't say, but he was awful anxious to see Daddy. I fooled him, though. I wasn't going to have him wake up Daddy's nap, so I told him we'd see him after the train left Laibach. Then, you see, we got off at Laibach to change and I guess he went on with the express. I didn't see him on the other train."
"Well, you're a great kid," said the Colonel admiringly. "I guess you told your father about it afterward."
"No, I forgot about it till this minute. I had one of my tantrums, and it escaped me."
"I tell you what I'll do," said the Colonel in a burst of generosity. "If you slip up to bed right away, right away mind you, and don't bother your father and mother, because they've got to dress for dinner, I'll make you a present of that sword. You can take it to bed with you."
"Honest?" she exclaimed.
"Sure's you're born. Come on now, I'll get Frau Innsbruck to give you a glass of milk and a cooky and you beat it right to bed. Then we can pull some big stuff in the morning."