Shakespeare - First Folio facsimile (1910)/The Merry Wives of Windsor/Act 2 Scene 2
Scæna Secunda.
Enter Falstaffe, Pistoll, Robin, Quickly, Bardolffe, Ford.
Fal.
I will not lend thee a penny.
Pist.
Why then the world's mine Oyster, which I, with sword will open.
Fal.
Not a penny: I haue beene content (Sir,) you should lay my countenance to pawne: I haue grated vpon my good friends for three Repreeues for you, and your Coach-fellow Nim; or else you had look'd through the grate, like a Geminy of Baboones: I am damn'd in hell, for swearing to Gentlemen my friends, you were good Souldiers, and tall-fellowes. And when Mistresse Briget lost the handle of her Fan, I took't vpon mine honour thou hadst it not.
Pist.
Didst not thou share? hadst thou not fifteene pence? Fal. Reason, you roague, reason: thinkst thou Ile endanger my soule, gratis? at a word, hang no more about mee, I am no gibbet for you: goe, a short knife, and a throng, to your Mannor of Pickt-hatch: goe, you'll not beare a Letter for mee you roague? you stand vpon your honor: why, (thou vnconfinable basenesse) it is as much as I can doe to keepe the termes of my honor precise: I, I, I my selfe sometimes, leauing the feare of heauen on the left hand, and hiding mine honor in my necessity, am faine to shufflle: to hedge, and to lurch, and yet, you Rogue, will en-sconce your raggs; your Cat-a-Mountaine-lookes, your red-lattice phrases, and your boldbeating-oathes, vnder the shelter of your honor? you will not doe it? you?
Pist.
I doe relent: what would thou more of man?
Robin.
Sir, here's a woman would speake with you.
Fal.
Let her approach.
Qui.
Giue your worship good morrow.
Fal.
Good-morrow, good-wife.
Qui.
Not so, and't please your worship.
Fal.
Good maid then.
Qui.
Ile be sworne, As my mother was the first houre I was borne.
Fal.
I doe beleeue the swearer; what with me?
Qui.
Shall I vouch-safe your worship a word, or two?
Fal.
Two thousand (faire woman) and ile vouchsafe thee the hearing.
Qui.
There is one Mistresse Ford, (Sir) I pray come a little neerer this waies: I my selfe dwell with M[aster]. Doctor Caius:
Fal.
Well, on; Mistresse Ford, you say.
Qui.
Your worship saies very true: I pray your worship come a little neerer this waies.
Fal.
I warrant thee, no-bodie heares: mine owne people, mine owne people.
Qui.
Are they so? heauen-blesse them, and make them his Seruants.
Fal.
Well; Mistresse Ford, what of her?
Qui.
Why, Sir; shee's a good-creature; Lord, Lord, your Worship's a wanton: well: heauen forgiue you, and all of vs, I pray —
Fal.
Mistresse Ford: come, Mistresse Ford.
Qui.
Marry this is the short, and the long of it: you haue brought her into such a Canaries, as 'tis wonderfull: the best Courtier of them all (when the Court lay at Windsor) could neuer haue brought her to such a Canarie: yet there has beene Knights, and Lords, and Gentlemen, with their Coaches; I warrant you Coach after Coach, letter after letter, gift after gift, smelling so sweetly; all Muske, and so rushling, I warrant you, in silke and golde, and in such alligant termes, and in such wine and suger of the best, and the fairest, that would haue wonne any womans heart: and I warrant you, they could neuer get an eye-winke of her: I had my selfe twentie Angels giuen me this morning, but I defie all Angels (in any such sort, as they say) but in the way of honesty: and I warrant you, they could neuer get her so much as sippe on a cup with the prowdest of them all, and yet there has beene Earles: nay, (which is more) Pentioners, but I warrant you all is one with her.
Fal.
But what saies shee to mee? be briefe my good sheeMercurie.
Qui.
Marry, she hath receiu'd your Letter: for the which she thankes you a thousand times; and she giues you to notifie, that her husband will be absence from his house, betweene ten and eleuen.
Fal.
Ten, and eleuen.
Qui.
I, forsooth: and then you may come and see the picture (she sayes) that you wot of: Master Ford her husband will be from home: alas, the sweet woman leades an ill life with him: hee's a very iealousie-man; she leads a very frampold life with him, (good hart.)
Fal.
Ten, and eleuen.
Woman, commend me to her, I will not faile her.
Qui.
Why, you say well: But I haue another messenger to your worship: Mistresse Page hath her heartie commendations to you to: and let mee tell you in your eare, shee’s as fartuous a ciuill modest wife, and one (I tell you) that will not misse you morning nor euening prayer, as any is in Windsor, who ere bee the other: and shee bade me tell your worship, that her husband is seldome from home, but she hopes there will come a time. I neuer knew a woman so doate vpon a man; surely I thinke you haue charmes, la: yes in truth.
Fal.
Not I, I assure thee; setting the attraction of my good parts aside, I haue no other charmes.
Qui.
Blessing on your heart for’t.
Fal.
But I pray thee tell me this: has Fords wife, and Pages wife acquainted each other, how they loue me?
Qui.
That were a iest indeed: they haue not so little grace I hope, that were a tricke indeed: But Mistris Page would desire you to send her your little Page of al loues: her husband has a maruellous infectio[n] to the little Page: and truely Master Page is an honest man: neuer a wife in Windsor leades a better life then she do’s: doe what shee will, say what she will, take all, pay all, goe to bed when she list, rise when she list, all is as she will: and truly she deserues it; for if there be a kinde woman in Windsor, she is one: you must send her your Page, no remedie.
Fal.
Why, I will.
Qu.
Nay, but doe so then, and looke you, hee may come and goe betweene you both: and in any case haue a nay-word, that you may know one anothers minde, and the Boy neuer neede to vnderstand any thing; for ’tis not good that children should know any wickednes: olde folkes you know, haue discretion, as they say, and know the world.
Fal.
Farethee-well, commend mee to them both: there’s my purse, I am yet thy debter: Boy, goe along with this woman, this newes distracts me.
Pist.
This Puncke is one of Cupids Carriers, Clap on more sailes, pursue: vp with your sights: Giue fire: she is my prize, or Ocean whelme them all.
Fal.
Saist thou so sold Iacke) go thy waies: Ile make more of thy olde body then I haue done: will they yet looke after thee? wilt thou after the expence of so much money, be now a gainer? good Body, I thanke thee: let them say ’tis grossely done, so it bee fairely done, no matter.
Bar.
Sir Iohn, there’s one Master Broome below would faine speake with you, and be acquainted with you; and hath sent your worship a mornings draught of Sacke.
Fal.
Broome is his name?
Bar.
I Sir.
Fal.
Call him in: such Broomes are welcome to mee, that ore’flowes such liquor: ah ha, Mistresse Ford and Mistresse Page, haue I encompass’d you? goe to, via.
Ford.
’Blesse you sir.
Fal.
And you sir: would you speake with me?
Ford.
I make bold, to presse, with so little preparation vpon you.
Fal.
You’r welcome, what’s your will? giue vs leaue Drawer.
Ford.
Sir, I am a Gentleman that haue spent much, my name is Broome.
Fal.
Good Master Broome, I desire more acquaintance of you.
Ford.
Good Sir Iohn, I sue for yours: not to charge you, for I must let you vnderstand, I thinke my selfe in better plight for a Lender, then you are: the which hath something emboldned me to this vnseason’d intrusion: for they say, if money goe before, all waies doe lye open.
Fal.
Money is a good Souldier (Sir) and will on.
Ford.
Troth, and I haue a bag of money heere troubles me: if you will helpe to beare it (Sir Iohn) take all, or halfe, for easing me of the carriage.
Fal.
Sir, I know not how I may deserue to bee your Porter.
Ford.
I will tell you sir, if you will giue mee the hearing.
Fal.
Speake (good Master Broome) I shall be glad to be your Seruant.
Ford.
Sir, I heare you are a Scholler: (I will be briefe with you) and you haue been a man long knowne to me, though I had neuer so good means as desire, to make my selfe acquainted with you. I shall discouer a thing to you, wherein I must very much lay open mine owne imperfection: but (good Sir Iohn) as you haue one eye vpon my follies, as you heare them vnfolded, turne another into the Register of your owne, that I may passe with a reproofe the easier, sith you your selfe know how easie it is to be such an offender.
Fal.
Very well Sir, proceed.
Ford.
There is a Gentlewoman in this Towne, her husbands name is Ford.
Fal.
Well Sir.
Ford.
I haue long lou’d her, and I protest to you, bestowed much on her: followed her with a doating obseruance: Ingross’d opportunities to meete her: fee’d euery slight occasion that could but nigardly giue mee sight of her: not only bought many présents to giue her, but haue giuen largely to many, to know what shee would haue giuen: briefly, I haue pursu’d her, as Loue hath pursued mee, which hath beene on the wing of all occasions: but whatsoeuer I haue merited, either in my minde, or in my meanes, meede I am sure I haue receiued none, vnlesse Experience be a Iewell, that I haue purchased at an infinite rate, and that hath taught mee to say this,
Loue like a shadow flies, when substance Loue pursues,
Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.
Fal.
Haue you receiu’d no promise of satisfaction at her hands?
Ford.
Neuer.
Fal.
Haue you importun’d her to such a purpose?
Ford.
Neuer.
Fal.
Of what qualitie was your loue then?
Ford.
Like a fair house, built on another mans ground, so that I haue lost my edifice, by mistaking the place, where I erected it.
Fal.
To what purpose haue you vnfolded this to me?
For.
When I haue told you that, I haue told you all: Some say, that though she appeare honest to mee, yet in other places shee enlargeth her mirth so farre, that there is shrewd construction made of her. Now (Sir Iohn) here is the heart of my purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable discourse, of great admittance, authenticke in your place and person, generally allow’d for your many war-like, court-like, and learned preparations.
Fal.
O Sir.
Ford.
Beleeue it, for you know it: there is money, spend it, spend it, spend more; spend all I haue, onely
giue me so much of your time in enchange of it, as to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this Fords wife: vse your Art of wooing; win her to consent to you: if any man may, you may as soone as any.
Fal.
Would it apply well to the vehemency of your affection that I should win what you would enioy? Methinkes you prescribe to your selfe very preposterously.
Ford.
O, vnderstand my drift: she dwells so securely on the excellency of her honor, that the folly of my soule dares not present it selfe: shee is too bright to be look’d against. Now, could I come to her with any detection in my hand; my desires had instance and argument to commend themselues, I could driue her then from the ward of her purity, her reputation, her marriage-vow, and a thousand other her defences, which now are tootoo strongly embattaild against me: what say you too’t, Sir Iohn?
Fal.
Master Broome, I will first make bold with your money: next, giue mee your hand: and last, as I am a gentleman, you shall, if you will, enioy Fords wife.
Ford.
O good Sir.
Fal.
I say you shall.
Ford.
Want no money (Sir Iohn) you shall want none.
Fal.
Want no Mistresse Ford (Master Broome) you shall want none: I shall be with her (I may tell you) by her owne appointment, euen as you came in to me, her assistant, or goe-betweene, parted from me: I say I shall be with her betweene ten and eleuen: for at that time the iealious-rascally-knaue her husband will be forth: come you to me at night, you shall know how I speed.
Ford.
I am blest in your acquaintance: do you know Ford Sir?
Fal.
Hang him (poore Cuckoldly knaue) I know him not: yet I wrong him to call him poore: They say the iealous wittolly-knaue hath masses of money, for the which his wife seemes to me well-fauourd: I will vse her as the key of the Cuckoldly-rogues Coffer, & ther’s my haruest-home.
Ford.
I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might auoid him, if you saw him.
Fal.
Hang him, mechanicall-salt-butter rogue; I wil stare him out of his wits: I will awe-him with my cudgell: it shall hang like a Meteor ore the Cuckolds horns: Master Broome, thou shalt know, I will predominate ouer the pezant, and thou shalt lye with his wife. Come to me soone at night: Ford's a knaue, and I will aggrauate his stile: thou (Master Broome) shalt know him for knaue, and Cuckold. Come to me soone at night.
Ford.
What a damn’d Epicurian-Rascall is this? my heart is ready to cracke with impatience: who saies this is improuident iealousie? my wife hath sent to him, the howre is fixt, the match is made: would any man haue thought this? see the hell of hauing a false woman: my bed shall be abus’d, my Coffers ransack’d, my reputation gnawne at, and I shall not onely receiue this villanous wrong, but stand vnder the adoption of abhominable termes, and by him that dœs mee this wrong: Termes, names: Amaimon sounds well: Lucifer, well: Barbason, well: yet they are Diuels additions, the names of fiends: But Cuckold, Wittoll, Cuckold? the Diuell himselfe hath not such a name. Page is an Asse, a secure Asse; hee will trust his wife, hee will not be iealous: I will rather trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hugh the Welshman with my Cheese, an Irish-man with my Aqua-vitae-bottle, or a Theefe to walke my ambling gelding, then my wife with her selfe. Then she plots, then shee ruminates, then shee deuises: and what they thinke in their hearts they may effect; they will breake their hearts but they will effect. Heauen bee prais’d for my iealousie: eleuen o’clocke the howre, I will preuent this, detect my wife, bee reueng’d on Falstaffe, and laugh at Page. I will about it, better three houres too soone, then a mynute too late: fie, fie, fie: Cuckold, Cuckold, Cuckold.Exit.