The Case is Altered/Act IV Scene V
Enter Angelo and Rachel.
Ang. Nay, I prithee, Rachel, I come to comfort thee,
Be not so sad.
Rach. O signior Angelo,
No comfort but his presence can remove
This sadness from my heart.
Ang. Nay, then you're fond,
And what that strength of judgment and election
That should be attendant on your years and form.
Will you, because your lord is taken prisoner,
Blubber and weep, and keep a peevish stir,
As though you would turn turtle with the news?
Come, come, be wise. 'Sblood say your lord should die,
And you go mar your face as you begin,
What would you do, trow? who would care for you?
But this it is, when nature will bestow
Her gifts on such as know not how to use them;
You shall have some, that had they but once quarter
Of your fair beauty, they would make it shew
A little otherwise than you do this,
Or they would see the painter twice an hour;
And I commend them I, that can use art
With such judicial practice.
Rach. You talk idly;
If this be your best comfort, keep it still,
My senses cannot feed on such sour cates.
Ang. And why, sweet heart?
Rach. Nay, leave, good signior.
Ang. Come, I have sweeter viands yet in store.
Enter Onion and Juniper.
Junip. In any case, mistress Rachel.
Rach. God's pity, signior Angelo, I hear
my father; away for God's sake.
Ang. 'Sblood, I am bewitch'd, I think;
this is twice now I have been served thus.
Rach. Pray God he meet him not.
Oni. O brave! she's yonder: O terrible! she's gone.
Junip. Yea, so nimble in your dilemmas, and your hyperboles!
Hay my love! O my love at the first sight, by the mass!
Oni. O how she scudded! O sweet scud,
how she tripped! O delicate trip and go!
Junip. Come, thou art enamoured with
the influence of her profundity; but, sirrah, hark a little.
Oni. O rare! what? what? passing,
i'faith! what is't? what is't?
Junip. What wilt thou say now, if Rachel
stand now, and play hity-tity through the
key-hole, to behold the equipage of thy person?
Oni. O sweet equipage! try, good Juniper,
tickle her, talk, talk; O rare!
Junip. Mistress Rachel, (watch then if her father come;)
Rachel! Madona! Rachel! No.
Oni. Say I am here; Onion, or Peter, or so.
Junip. No, I'll knock; we'll not stand
upon horizons and tricks, but fall roundly to the matter.
Oni. Well said, sweet Juniper. Horizons!
hang 'em, knock, knock.
Rach. Who's there! father?
Junip. Father! no; and yet a father, if
you'll please to be a mother.
Oni. Well said, Juniper; to her again; a
smack or two more of the mother.
Junip. Do you hear, sweet soul, sweet
radamant, sweet mathavel? one word,
Melpomene, are you at leisure?
Rach. At leisure! what to do?
Junip. To do what! to do nothing, but
to be liable to the extasy of true love's exigent,
or so; you smell my meaning.
Oni. Smell! filthy, fellow Juniper, filthy. Smell! O most odious!
Junip. How filthy?
Oni. Filthy by this finger. Smell! smell
a rat, smell a pudding. Away, these tricks
are for trulls; a plain wench loves plain
dealing; I'll upon her myself, smell to march-pain wench.
Junip. With all my heart; I'll be legitimate
and silent as an apple-squire; I'll see
nothing, and say nothing.
Oni. Sweet heart! sweet heart!
Junip. And bag pudding, ha, ha, ha.
Jaques. [within.] What Rachel! my girl, what Rachel!
Oni. God's lid.
Jaq. What Rachel!
Rach. Here I am.
Oni. What rakehel calls Rachel? O treason to my love!
Junip. It's her father, on my life! how
shall we intrench and edify ourselves from him?
Oni. O coney-catching Cupid!
Jaq. How is my back-side? where? what come they for?
[Onion gets up into a tree.]
What are they? Rachel! thieves! thieves!
Stay, villain, slave. Rachel, untie my dog.
Nay, thief, thou canst not 'scape.
Junip. I pray you, sir.
Oni. Ah pitiful Onion! that thou hadst a rope.
Jaq. Why Rachel! when I say, let loose my dog,
Garlick, my mastiff, let him loose, I say.
Junip. For god's sake hear me speak, keep up your cur.
Oni. I fear not Garlick, he'll not bite
Onion his kinsman; pray God he come out,
and then they'll not smell me.
Jaq. Well then deliver; come, deliver, slave.
Junip. What should I deliver?
Jaq. O thou wouldst have me tell thee,
wouldst thou? Shew me thy hands, what
hast thou in thy hands?
Junip. Here be my hands.
Jaq. Stay, are thy fingers-ends begrim'd
with dirt? no, thou hast wip'd them.
Junip. Wip'd them!
Jaq. I, thou villain; thou art a subtil
knave. Put off thy shoes; come, I will see
them; give me a knife here, Rachel, I'll
rip the soles.
Oni. No matter, he's a cobler, he can mend them.
Junip. What, are you mad? are you detestable?
would you make an anatomy of
me? think you I am not true orthography?
Jaq. Orthography, anatomy!
Junip. For God's sake be not so inviolable,
I am no ambuscado; what predicament call you this?
why do you intimate so much?
Jaq. I can feel nothing.
Oni. By'r lady, but Onion feels something.
Jaq. Soft, sir, you are not yet gone;
shake your legs, come, and your arms, be
brief: stay, let me see these drums, these
kilderkins, these bombard slops, what is it
charms 'em so.
Junip. Nothing but hair.
Jaq. That's true, I had almost forgot this
rug, this hedgehog's nest, this hay-mow,
this bear's-skin, this heath, this furze-bush.
Junip. O let me go, you tear my hair,
you revolve my brains and understanding.
Jaq. Heart, thou art somewhat eas'd; half of my fear
Hath ta'en his leave of me, the other half
Still keeps possession in despight of hope,
Until these amorous eyes court my fair gold.
Dear, I come to thee; fiend, why art not gone?
Avoid, my soul's vexation; Satan, hence;
Why do'st thou stare on me? why do'st thou stay!
Why por'st thou on the ground with thievish eyes?
What seest thou there, thou cur? what gap'st thou at?
Hence from my house. Rachel, send Garlick forth.
Junip. I am gone, sir, I am gone; for god's sake stay.
Jaq. Pack; and thank God thou 'scap'st so well away.
Oni. If I escape this tree, destinies I defy you.
Jaq. I cannot see, by any characters
Writ on this earth, that any felon foot
Hath ta'en acquaintance with this hallow'd ground.
None sees me; knees, do homage to your lord.
'Tis safe, 'tis safe; it lies and sleeps so soundly,
'Twould do one good to look on't. If this bliss
Be given to any man that hath much gold,
Justly to say 'tis safe, I say 'tis safe.
O what a heavenly round these two words dance
Within me and without me; first I think 'em,
And then I speak 'em; then I watch their sound,
And drink it greedily with both mine eyes:
Then think, then speak, then drink their sound again,
And racket round about this body's court,
These two sweet words, 'tis safe. Stay, I will feed
My other senses. O how sweet it smells!
Oni. I mar'l he smells not Onion, being so near it.
Jaq. Down to thy grave again, thou beauteous ghost,
Angels, men say, are spirits; spirits be
Invisible; bright angels, are you so?
Be you invisible to every eye,
Save only these: sleep, I'll not break your rest,
Though you break mine. Dear saints, adieu, adieu,
My feet part from you, but my soul dwells with you.
Oni. Is he gone? O fortune my friend, and not fortune my foe,
I come down to embrace thee, and kiss thy great toe.
Junip. Fellow Onion! Peter!
Oni. Fellow Juniper.
Junip. What's the old panurgo gone, departed cosmografied, ha?
Oni. O, I; and hark, sirrah. Shall I tell him? no.
Junip. Nay, be brief, and declare; stand
not upon conundrums now: thou knowest
what contagious speeches I have suffered for
thy sake, and he should come again and invent me here.
Oni. He says true, it was for my sake, I
will tell him. Sirrah, Juniper! and yet I will not.
Junip. What sayest thou, sweet Onion?
Oni. And thou hadst smelt the scent of
me when I was in the tree, thou wouldst not
have said so: but, sirrah, the case is altered
with me, my heart has given love a box of
the ear, made him kick up his heels, i'faith.
Junip. Sayest thou me so, mad Greek!
how haps it? how chances it?
Oni. I cannot hold it, Juniper; have an
eye, look, have an eye to the door; the old
proverb's true, I see, Gold is but muck.
Nay, godso, Juniper, to the door; an
eye to the main chance; here, you slave, have an eye.
Junip. O inexorable! O infallible! O intricate,
divine, and superficial fortune!
Oni. Nay, it will be sufficient anon; here, look here!
Junip. O insolent good luck! how didst
thou produce the intelligence of the gold
Oni. I'll tell thee that anon; here, make
shift, convey, cram. I'll teach you how
you shall call for Garlick again, i'faith.
Junip. 'Sblood what shall we do with all
this? we shall never bring it to a consumption.
Oni. Consumption! why we'll be most
sumptuously attired, man.
Junip. By this gold, I will have three or
four most stigmatical suits presently.
Oni. I'll go in my foot-cloth, I'll turn gentleman.
Junip. So will I.
Oni. But what badge shall we give, what cullisen?
Junip. As for that, let's use the infidelity
and commiseration of some harrot of arms,
he shall give us a gudgeon.
Oni. A gudgeon! a scutcheon thou
wouldst say, man.
Junip. A scutcheon, or a gudgeon, all is one.
Oni. Well, our arms be good enough,
let's look to our legs.
Junip. Content, we'll be jogging.
Oni. Rachel, we retire; Garlick, Godb'ye.
Junip. Farewell, sweet Jaques.
Oni. Farewell, sweet Rachel; sweet dog, adieu.