The Journal of Leo Tolstoy/1895, November
Nov. 5. Y. P.
I have skipped 6 days. It seems to me, I thought little during this time: I wrote a little, chopped wood and was indisposed—but lived through much. I lived through much, because in fulfilling a promise to S.3, I read through all my journals for the past seven years.
It seems to me, I am approaching a simple and clear expression of that by which I live. How good that I didn't finish the Catechism!4 I think I shall write it differently and better, if the Father wishes it. I understand why it is impossible to say it quickly. If it could be said all at once, by what then would we live in the realm of thought? It will never be given me to go farther than this task.
I just took a walk and understood clearly why I can't make Resurrection go better: it was begun falsely. I understood this in thinking over again the story: Who is Right?5 (about children). I understood that one must begin with the life of the peasants, that they are the subject, they are positive, but that the other thing is shadow, the other thing is negative. And I understood the same thing about Resurrection. One must begin with her.6 I want to begin immediately.
During this time there were letters: from Kenworthy,7 a beautiful one from Shkarvan,8 and from a Dukhobor in Tiflis.9
Have written to no one for a long time. General indisposition and no energy. The stage manager and the decorator10 were here, students from Kharkov against whom I think I did not sin, Ivan Ivanovich Bochkarev,11 Kolasha.12 . . .
Nov. 6. Y. P. If I live.
November 7. Y. P.
I wrote a little these two days on the new Resurrection. My conscience hurts when I remember how trivially I began it. So far, I rejoice when I think of the work as I am beginning it.
I chopped a little. I went to Ovsiannikovo, had a good talk with Maria Alexandrovna13 and Ivan Ivanovich.14 Waltz's assistant was here and a Frenchman with a poem. . . .
November 8,9. Y. P.
Have written little on Resurrection. I was not disappointed, but I was weak.
Yesterday Dunaev15 came. Chopped much yesterday, overtired myself. To-day I walked. I went to Constantine Bieli's.16 He is very much to be pitied. Then I walked in the village. It is good with them, but with us it is shameful. Wrote letters. Wrote to Bazhenov17 and three others. Thought:
1 ) The. confirmation of the fact, that reason liberates the latent love in man for justice is the proverb, "Comprendre c'est tout pardoner." If you forgive a man, you will love him. To forgive means to cease to condemn and to hate.
2) If a man believes something at the word of another, he will lose his belief in that which he would have inevitably believed in, had he not trusted the other one. He who believes in . . . etc., ceases to believe in reason. They even say straight out, one ought not to believe in reason.
3) . . .
A very interesting letter from Holland, about what a youth is to do who is called to military service, when he is the sole supporter of his mother.[1]
November 10. Y. P.
Slept with difficulty. Weakness both physical and intellectual and—for which I am at fault—also moral. Rode horseback. Posha[2] arrived. . . . A wonderful French pamphlet about war.[3] Yes, 20 years are needed for that thought to become a general one. My head aches and seems to crackle and rumble. Father, help me when I am most weak that I may not fall morally. It is possible.
Nov. 11. Y.P. If I live.
I write and think: it is possible that I won't be. Every day I make attempts, and I get more accustomed to it.
To-day November 75.
I have been so weak all the time I could write nothing except a few letters. A letter to Schkarvan. There have been here, Dunaiev, Posha, Maria Vasilievna.[4] They left yesterday. Yeterday also I went to see Maria Alexandrovna; she is ill. To-day Aunt Tanya[5] and Sonya came.
I didn't sleep at night and therefore didn't work. But I wrote on the girl Konefsky[6] and a little in my journal. I am reading Schopenhauer's[7] "Aphorisms." Very good. Only put "The service of God" instead of "The recognition of the vanity of life," and we agree.
Now 2 o'clock, I shall write out later what I have noted down.[8]