The Works of Ben Jonson/Volume 6/A Tale of a Tub/Act III/Scene III

by Ben Jonson

SCENE III.

Pancras.

Enter Turfe, Awdrey, Clench, Medlay, Pan, and Scriben.

 Turfe. Well, I have carried it, and will triumph
Over this justice as becomes a constable,
And a high constable: next our St. George,
Who rescued the king's daughter, I will ride;
Above prince Arthur.^[1]

 Clench. Or our Shoreditch duke.

 Med. Or Pancridge earl.

 Pan. Or Bevis, or sir Guy,
Who were high constables both.

 Clench. One of Southampton———

 Med. The t'other of Warwick castle.

 Turfe. You shall work it
Into a story for me, neighbour Medlay,
Over my chimney.

 Scri. I can give you, sir,
A Roman story of a petty-constable,
That had a daughter that was call'd Virginia,
Like mistress Awdrey, and as young as she;
And how her father bare him in the business,
'Gainst justice Appius, a decemvir in Rome,
And justice of assize.

 Turfe. That, that, good D'ogenes!
A learned man is a chronicle.

 Scri. I can tell you
A thousand of great Pompey, Cæsar, Trajan,
All the high constables there.

 Turfe. That was their place;
They were no more.

 Scri. Dictator and high constable
Were both the same.

 Med. High constable was more though:
He laid Dick Tator by the heels.^[2]

 Pan. Dick Toter!
He was one o' the waights o' the city, I have read o' 'un;
He was a fellow would be drunk, debauch'd—
And he did zet 'un in the stocks indeed:
His name was Vadian, and a cunning toter.^[3]

 Awd. Was ever silly maid thus posted off,
That should have had three husbands in one day;
Yet, by bad fortune, am possest of none!
I went to church to have been wed to Clay,
Then 'squire Tub he seized me on the way,
And thought to have had me, but he mist his aim;
And justice Bramble, nearest of the three,
Was well nigh married to me; when by chance,
In rush'd my father, and broke off that dance.

 Turfe. Ay, girl, there's ne'er a justice on 'em all
Shall teach the constable to guard his own:
Let's back to Kentish-town, and there make merry:
These news will be glad tidings to my wife.
Thou shalt have Clay, my wench: that word shall stand.
He's found by this time, sure, or else he's drown'd;
The wedding-dinner will be spoil'd: make haste.

 Awd. Husbands, they say, grow thick, but thin are sown;
I care not who it be, so I have one.

 Turfe. Ay, zay you zo! perhaps you shall ha' none for that.

 Awd. None, out upon me! what shall I do then?

 Med. Sleep, mistress Awdrey, dream on proper men.
[Exeunt. 

1. I will ride
   Above prince Arthur.] In the procession of the society of archers (called prince Arthur's knights) to the Artillery-ground, where an annual display of skill took place. The worthies subsequently mentioned probably bore a part in the march, which seems to have been conducted with some kind of burlesque parade.
2. He laid Dick Tator by the heels.] Low as the joke is, we find Butler has borrowed it in his speech of Colonel Pride: "They talk indeed of a Roman general, who came from the plough; Dick Talor, I think they call him, who having beat the enemy went home to the country rich, and renowned for a very wise man." Last Speech of Colonel Pride. Whal.
3. His name was Vadian and a cunning toter.] A toter or tooter is a low term for a piper. Who this "cunning toter" was, I cannot inform the reader, unless it be Robert Fabyan. Fabian was parcel poet, and parcel historian, and wrote a rhyming Chronicle of English story down to his own times, the end of the 15th century. If this be To-Pan's Vadian, he certainly cannot be called a cunning toter; but he was undoubtedly popular among the lower classes: he was besides, an alderman, a sheriff, and by occupation a mercer. His Chronicle treats of pageants, lord-mayors' feasts, and other goodly matters, very delectable to city ears.