The Works of the Rev. Jonathan Swift/Volume 16/On Barbarous Denominations in Ireland
On barbarous Denominations in Ireland.
SIR,
I HAVE been lately looking over the advertisements in some of your Dublin news-papers, which are sent me to the country; and was much entertained with a large list of denominations of lands, to be sold or let. I am confident they must be genuine; for it is impossible that either chance, or modern invention, could sort the alphabet in such a manner, as to make those abominable sounds; whether first invented to invoke or fright away the Devil, I must leave among the curious.
If I could wonder at any thing barbarous, ridiculous, or absurd among us, this should be one of the first. I have often lamented that Agricola, the father-in-law of Tacitus, was not prevailed on by that petty king from Ireland, who followed his camp, to come over and civilize us with a conquest, as his countrymen did Britain, where several Roman appellations remain to this day; and so would the rest have done, if that inundation of Angles, Saxons, and other northern people had not changed them so much for the worse, although in no comparison with ours. In one of the advertisements just mentioned, I encountered near a hundred words together, which I defy any creature in human shape, except an Irishman of the savage kind, to pronounce; neither would I undertake such a task, to be owner of the lands, unless I had liberty to humanize the syllables twenty miles round. The legislature may think what they please, and that they are above copying the Romans in all their conquests of barbarous nations; but I am deceived, if any thing has more contributed to prevent the Irish from being tamed, than this encouragement of their language, which might be easily abolished and become a dead one in half an age, with little expense, and less trouble.
How is it possible that a gentleman, who lives in those parts where the town-lands (as they call them) of his estate produce such odious sounds from the mouth, the throat, and the nose, can be able to repeat the words without dislocating every muscle that is used in speaking, and without applying the same tone to all other words, in every language he understands: as it is plainly to be observed, not only in those people, of the better sort, who live in Gallway and the Western parts, but in most counties of Ireland?
It is true, that in the city part of London, the trading people have an affected manner of pronouncing; and so, in my time, had many ladies and coxcombs at court. It is likewise true, that there is an odd provincial cant in most counties in England, sometimes not very pleasing to the ear: and the Scotch cadence, as well as expression, are offensive enough. But none of these defects derive contempt to the speaker: whereas, what we call the Irish brogue is no sooner discovered, than it makes the deliverer, in the last degree, ridiculous and despised; and, from such a mouth, an Englishman expects nothing but bulls, blunders, and follies. Neither does it avail whether the censure be reasonable or not, since the fact is always so. And, what is yet worse, it is too well known, that the bad consequence of this opinion affects those among us who are not the least liable to such reproaches, farther than the misfortune of being born in Ireland, although of English parents, and whose education has been chiefly in that kingdom.
I have heard many gentlemen among us talk much of the great convenience to those who live in the country, that they should speak Irish. It may possibly be so: but, I think, they should be such who never intend to visit England, upon pain of being ridiculous; for I do not remember to have heard of any one man that spoke Irish, who had not the accent upon his tongue easily discernible to any English ear.
But I have wandered a little from my subject, which was only to propose a wish, that these execrable denominations were a little better suited to an English mouth, if it were only for the sake of the English lawyers; who, in trials upon appeals to the House of Lords, find so much difficulty in repeating the names, that if the plaintiff or defendant were by, they would never be able to discover which were their own lands. But, beside this, I would desire, not only that the appellations of what they call town-lands were changed, but likewise of larger districts, and several towns, and some counties; and particularly the seats of country gentlemen, leaving an alias to solve all difficulties in point of law. But I would by no means trust these alterations to the owners themselves; who, as they are generally no great clerks, so they seem to have no large vocabulary about them, nor to be well skilled in prosody. The utmost extent of their genius lies in naming their country habitation by a hill, a mount, a brook, a burrow, a castle, a bawn, a ford, and the like ingenious conceits. Yet these are exceeded by others, whereof some have continued anagrammatical appellations, from half their own and their wives names joined together: others only from the lady; as, for instance, a person, whose wife's name was Elizabeth, calls his seat by the name of Bess-borow. There is likewise a famous town, where the worst iron in the kingdom is made, and it is called Swandlingbar. The original of which name I shall explain, lest the antiquaries of future ages might be at a loss to derive it. It was a most witty conceit of four gentlemen, who ruined themselves with this iron project. Sw. stands for Swift, And. for Sanders. Ling. for Darling, and Bar. for Barry. Methinks I see the four loggerheads, sitting in consult, like Smectymnuuus, each gravely contributing a part of his own name, to make up one for their place in the iron work; and could wish they had been hanged, as well as undone, for their wit. But I was most pleased with the denomination of a town-land, which I lately saw in an advertisement of Pue's paper: "This is to give notice, that the lands of Douras, alias Whig-borough, &c." Now this zealous proprietor, having a mind to record his principles in religion or loyalty to future ages, within five miles round him, for want of other merit, thought fit to make use of this expedient; wherein he seems to mistake his account: for this distinguishing term whig had a most infamous original, denoting a man who favoured the fanatick sect, and an enemy to kings, and so continued till the idea was a little softened, some years after the Revolution, and during a part of her late majesty's reign. After which it was in disgrace until the queen's death, since which time it has indeed flourished with a witness: but how long it will continue so, in our variable scene, or what kind of mortal it may describe, is a question which this courtly landlord is not able to answer. And therefore he should have set a date on the title of his borough, to let us know what kind of creature a whig was in that year of our Lord. I would readily assist nomenclators of this costive imagination; and therefore I propose, to others of the same size in thinking, that, when they are at a loss about christening a country seat, instead of straining their invention, they would call it Booby-borough, Fool-brook, Puppy-ford, Coxcomb-hall, Mount-loggerhead, Dunce-hill; which are innocent appellations, proper to express the talents of the owners. But I cannot reconcile myself to the prudence of this lord of Whig-borough, because I have not yet heard, among the presbyterian squires, how much soever their persons and principles are in vogue, that any of them have distinguished their country abode by the name of Mount-regicide, Covenant-hall, Fanatick-hill, Round-head-bawn, Canting-brook, or Mount-rebel, and the like: because there may probably come a time when those kind of sounds may not be so grateful to the ears of the kingdom. For I do not conceive it would be a mark of discretion, upon supposing a gentleman, in allusion to his name, or the merit of his ancestors, to call his house Tyburn-hall.
But the scheme I would propose, for changing the denominations of land into legible and audible syllables, is by employing some gentlemen in the university; who, by the knowledge of the Latin tongue, and their judgment in sounds, might imitate the Roman way, by translating those hideous words into their English meanings, and altering the termination where a bare translation will not form a good cadence to the ear, or be easily delivered from the mouth. And when both these means happen to fail, then to name the parcels of land from the nature of the soil, or some peculiar circumstance belonging to it; as, in England, Farn-ham, Oat-lands, Black-heath, Corn-bury, Rye-gate, Ash-burnham, Barn-elms, Cole-orton, Sand-wich, and many others.
I am likewise apt to quarrel with some titles of lords among us, that have a very ungracious sound, which are apt to communicate mean ideas to those who have not the honour to be acquainted with their persons or their virtues, of whom I have the misfortune to be one. But I cannot pardon those gentlemen, who have gotten titles since the judicature of the peers among us has been taken away, to which they all submitted with a resignation that became good Christians, as undoubtedly they are. However, since that time, I look upon a graceful harmonious title to be at least forty per cent in the value intrinsic of an Irish peerage: and, since it is as cheap as the worst, for any Irish law hitherto enacted in England to the contrary, I would advise the next set, before they pass their patents, to call a consultation of scholars and musical gentlemen, to adjust this most important and essential circumstance. The Scotch noblemen, though born almost under the north pole, have much more tunable appellations, except some very few, which, I suppose, were given them by the Irish, along with their language, at the time when that kingdom was conquered and planted from hence; and, to this day, retain the denominations of places, and surnames of families, as all historians agree.
I should likewise not be sorry, if the names of some bishops sees were so much obliged to the alphabet, that upon pronouncing them, we might contract some veneration for the order and persons of those reverend peers, which the gross ideas sometimes joined to their titles are very unjustly apt to diminish.