King Chabert has proved, since restored from his panic,
There's small harm in quaffing pure hydrocyanic;
But he never found out it was good for the throng.
When scrubbed on their stomachs by great Doctor Long.
A machine he's invented, stupendous as new,
To sweep one's inside as you'd sweep out a flue;
No climbing-boy, urged by the sound of the thong,
Can brush out your vitals like great Doctor Long.
Garter King has assigned, like a sad 'fleering Jack,'
A duck for a crest, with the motto, 'Quack, Quack'
To the proud name of St. John (it should be St. Johng,
Which would rhyme with the surname of great Doctor Long).
Great house-painting, sign-painting, face-painting sage!
Thou Raffaelle of physic! thou pride of our age!
Alas! when thou diest, and the bell goes ding-dong,
Sure Hygeia herself will expire with her Long!
Then fill every glass, drink in grand coalition,
Long life, long await this lorg-headed physician;
Long, long may Fame sound, with her trumpet and song,
Through each nation the name of the great Doctor Long!"
"Dr. Long's" remedy ("the prong" referred to in the foregoing ballad) was of the simplest possible character, and his dupes in nine cases out of ten being women his success complete. He invented a wonderful liniment or lotion, by means of which he professed to diagnose and eradicate the virus of consumption. With many patients an inflammation followed its application, which (according to the quack) discovered the presence of disease, and which, after
- In allusion to a complex piece of machinery he said (in his book) he had invented, which when complete would cost him two thousand guineas. This machine, said Long, alias O'Driscoll, "will search all the body, and cut away all the diseased parts, leaving the patient perfectly sound and well."
- We found a curtailed copy of these amusing verses in one of the jeux d'esprit of the time, called "Valpurgis; or, the Devil's Festival" (William Kidd, 6, Old Bond Street, 1831), illustrated by Seymour. With the exception of one immaterial verse, we now give the complete poem; in the ring of the verses the reader will have no difficulty in recognising the hand of the Rev. Richard Harris Barham, subsequently author of the "Ingoldsby Legends."