sometimes the tempter would make me believe I had consented to it; but then I should be as tortured upon a rack for whole days together.
137. This temptation did put me to such scares, lest I should at some times, I say, consent thereto, and be overcome therewith, that by the very force of my mind my very body would be put into action or motion, by way of pushing or thrusting with my hands or elbows, still answering as fast as the destroyer said, Sell him, I will not, I will not, I will not—no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands of worlds; thus reckoning lest I should set too low a value on him, even until I scarce well knew where I was or how to be composed again.
138. At these seasons he would not let me eat any food at quiet; but, forsooth, when I was sat at the table at any meat I must go hence to pray—I must leave my food now, and just now, so counterfeit holy also would this devil be. When I was thus, tempted, I should say in myself, Now I am at meat, let me make an end. No, said he; you must do it now, or you will displease God and despise Christ. Wherefore I was much afflicted with these things; and because of the sinfulness of my nature, imagining that these things were impulses from God, I should deny to do it as if I denied God, and then should I not be as guilty because I did not obey a temptation of the devil as if I had broken the law of God indeed.
139. But to be brief. One morning, as I did lie in my bed, I was, as at other times, most fiercely assaulted with this temptation, to sell and part with Christ—the wicked suggestion still running in my mind, Sell him, sell him, sell him, sell him, sell him, as fast as a man could speak; against which also in my mind, as at other times, I answered, No, no, not for thousands, thosands, thousands, at least twenty times together; But at last after much striving, I felt this thought pass through heart, Let him go if he will and I thought my heart freely consent thereto. Oh the diligence of Satan! ohj the desperatenes of man's heart!
